Friday's Funnies

Help?

In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student told his professor that he had prayed for the assistance of God. The professor carefully studied the answer page and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

Class Reminder

A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room. No one ever understood why he did this, until one day ... A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor didn't miss a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball, and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head. The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball ... No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!

Banned Words

English professor: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is 'gross' and the other is 'cool.'"
Student: "Yeah? So, what are the words?"

Hymns For All Professions

• Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him With Many Crowns
• Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall be Showers of Blessings
• Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
• Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
• Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
• Politician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises
• Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See
• IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All
• Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
• Electrician's Hymn: Send the Light
• Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By
• Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
• Message Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
• Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician

Panyhose

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"

Church Humor

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I'm a Lutheran, and this is a casserole."

The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."

Friday's Funnies

A Helping Hand

A preacher is walking down the street one day when he notices little Chad trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, Chad is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the preacher moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the preacher smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which little Chad hollers, "Now we run!"

Fairy Tales

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?" He replied, "No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with 'If elected I promise...'"

Memory Aid

Two middle-aged couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, like visualization, association, and so on. It was great. I haven't had a problem since." "Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

Too True

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

A tech support’s nightmare

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.....................thank you.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

The religious accident

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"

The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

Friday's Funnies

School Daze

One day a little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?" The little girl replied, "My homework."

School Books

• "Walking To School The First Day Back" by Misty Bus
• "The Day the Car Pool Forgot Me" by I. Rhoda Bike
• "Can't See The Chalkboard" by Sidney Backrow
• "Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School" by Major Crackupp
• "What I Dislike About Returning To School" by Mona Lott
• "Making It Through the First Week Of School" by Gladys Saturday
• "Is Life Over When Summer Ends?" by Midas Welbee
• "What I Love About Returning To School" by I.M. Kidding
• "Will Jimmy Finally Graduate?" by I. Betty Wont
• "What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School" by U. Will Gettitt

The Warning

Little Jon wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with a warning. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

The Top 6 Signs Your Child's Teacher Is Experiencing Burnout

• Spelling test words: "Go," "Home," "Already."
• She spends an inordinate amount of every parent-teacher conference extolling the virtues of home-schooling.
• Lately, all the math homework has involved calculating how long it will take Teacher A on Flight 201 out of Boston to reach Maui.
• "Because the scalpel method is much too slow, we're going to speed up the frog dissection with this blender."
• You hear your kindergartner singing, "A-B-C-D, E-whatever, whatever...."
• Your son comes home with a report card comment that reads, "Johnny is a snot-nosed brat, just like the other 23 losers in his class!"

Fifty Bucks

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'. Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'. One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'. To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'. The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word its fifty dollars.' Ken and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word... when they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

Barking dog

Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor’s dog, who has been barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, "I've had enough of this!" He rushes downstairs and a bit of time passes before he finally returns. Pat says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" Chris says, "I've put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how they like it!"

I need a raise

A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
B: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
B: Yes.
A: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
B: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
A: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
A: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!