Thanksgiving Divorce
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Yeah right they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,' she calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'
Good Puns…
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on ahead.'
12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass... '
13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
14. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
15. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Makes A Difference
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise. One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night. "Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."
Count On It
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
Accountant In Training
The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
Would You Be Scared?
I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?" "Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."
Day-Challenged
Jon called the newspaper office loudly demanding to know where his Sunday paper was. "Sir," said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday." There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a sudden burst of enlightenment: "I'll bet that's why no one was in church today, too… "
Friday, November 27, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Shaking Hands
"Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!" "Do you drink a lot of coffee?" "Not really - I spill most of it!"
Winners & Losers
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines. After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."
A Great Singer
"What kind of music do you sing?" "Aqua-pella." "Don't you mean 'a cappella,' singing without instrumental accompaniment?" "Nope. I mean 'aqua-pella,' singing accompanied only by the water coming out of the shower-head."
Speaking in Tongues
A Swiss guy, visiting the U.S., pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked. The two Yanks just stared at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy gave up and drove off. The first Yank turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Golfer's Secret
The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. Jon, in a foursome, teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway. As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?" The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
Blonde vs. the Telemarketer
A blonde was eating her dinner when there was a ring at her phone. She answered it to find a telemarketer on the line.
She told him politely that she didn't want it and hung up.
She went back to dinner, and not long after, the telemarketer called again. "Take me off your list and have a nice day," she told him.
Ten minutes later, the same telemarketer called back.
"Listen, stop calling me and take me off your list!" she screamed into the phone.
She returned to the phone a moment later with a note that she stuck to the phone. It read, "NO SOLICITING."
Wedding Organist
Donna was the organist for our wedding. She related a story to us about a previous wedding in which she and her husband Burk were participating, with her on organ and him singing.
During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They did not have the wedding music with them, so they began to perform one of the hymns they had practiced for church the previous week, "He Touched Me."
Just as they started, the preacher walked in and stopped, looking very surprised. He had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before. The opening line of the hymn:
"Shackled by a heavy burden..."
Sign in a store window
"We would rather do business with 1,000 Al Qaeda Terrorists than one single American."
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. But we pride ourselves on being a society that holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it IS just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians have no sense of humor?)
"Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!" "Do you drink a lot of coffee?" "Not really - I spill most of it!"
Winners & Losers
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines. After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."
A Great Singer
"What kind of music do you sing?" "Aqua-pella." "Don't you mean 'a cappella,' singing without instrumental accompaniment?" "Nope. I mean 'aqua-pella,' singing accompanied only by the water coming out of the shower-head."
Speaking in Tongues
A Swiss guy, visiting the U.S., pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked. The two Yanks just stared at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy gave up and drove off. The first Yank turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Golfer's Secret
The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. Jon, in a foursome, teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway. As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?" The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
Blonde vs. the Telemarketer
A blonde was eating her dinner when there was a ring at her phone. She answered it to find a telemarketer on the line.
She told him politely that she didn't want it and hung up.
She went back to dinner, and not long after, the telemarketer called again. "Take me off your list and have a nice day," she told him.
Ten minutes later, the same telemarketer called back.
"Listen, stop calling me and take me off your list!" she screamed into the phone.
She returned to the phone a moment later with a note that she stuck to the phone. It read, "NO SOLICITING."
Wedding Organist
Donna was the organist for our wedding. She related a story to us about a previous wedding in which she and her husband Burk were participating, with her on organ and him singing.
During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They did not have the wedding music with them, so they began to perform one of the hymns they had practiced for church the previous week, "He Touched Me."
Just as they started, the preacher walked in and stopped, looking very surprised. He had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before. The opening line of the hymn:
"Shackled by a heavy burden..."
Sign in a store window
"We would rather do business with 1,000 Al Qaeda Terrorists than one single American."
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. But we pride ourselves on being a society that holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it IS just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians have no sense of humor?)
Friday, November 13, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Art Appreciation
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death." "When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."
A Little Batty
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in. "OK!" he said with exasperation. "Follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river, and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down, and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "because I DIDN'T!"
Golf Lesson
Sheila was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
Good Question
An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling, young man?" he asked. "I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker." "A what?" the man asked. "A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States." "Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."
Which Way?
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members. "How are you feeling?" the visitor asked. "Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!" "What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?" "Yes, they are taking very good care of me." "Are you in any pain?" the friend asked. "No, I have never had a pain in my life." "Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again. The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry:"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
Life Explained
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village. A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long." they answered in unison. "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families. "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life." The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even New York City ! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist. "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, “answered the tourist, laughing. ”When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
One of a Kind
After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at the kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he blurted out, "Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school." The boy's mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are an only child?" She just said, "Thank goodness!"
New Hearing Aid
"I got this great new hearing aid the other day," said one elderly man to another.
"Really? Are you wearing it now?" asked his friend.
"Yup," came the reply. "Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line."
"What kind is it?"
"Twelve-thirty."
Children
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool even though she was worried what the child may have been told. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death." "When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."
A Little Batty
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in. "OK!" he said with exasperation. "Follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river, and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down, and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "because I DIDN'T!"
Golf Lesson
Sheila was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
Good Question
An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling, young man?" he asked. "I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker." "A what?" the man asked. "A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States." "Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."
Which Way?
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members. "How are you feeling?" the visitor asked. "Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!" "What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?" "Yes, they are taking very good care of me." "Are you in any pain?" the friend asked. "No, I have never had a pain in my life." "Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again. The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry:"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
Life Explained
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village. A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long." they answered in unison. "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families. "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life." The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even New York City ! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist. "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, “answered the tourist, laughing. ”When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."
One of a Kind
After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at the kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he blurted out, "Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school." The boy's mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are an only child?" She just said, "Thank goodness!"
New Hearing Aid
"I got this great new hearing aid the other day," said one elderly man to another.
"Really? Are you wearing it now?" asked his friend.
"Yup," came the reply. "Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line."
"What kind is it?"
"Twelve-thirty."
Children
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool even though she was worried what the child may have been told. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.
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