Friday's Funnies

This House

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a stockyard one block north."  "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.  "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

Breakfast

At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another.  Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!" 

The Beloit College Mindset List For The Class Of 2020

Students heading into their first year of college this year are mostly 18 and were born in 1998.

Since they arrived on this planet...

1.            There has always been a digital swap meet called eBay.

2.            Grandpa has always been able to reach for the Celebrex.

3.            They never heard Harry Caray try to sing during the seventh inning at Wrigley Field.

4.            There have always been Cadillac Escalades, but they just don't seem to be all that into cars.

5.            West Nile has always been a virus found in the U.S.

6.            Vladimir Putin has always been calling the shots at the Kremlin.

7.            The Sandy Hook tragedy is their Columbine.

8.            Cloning has always been a mundane laboratory procedure.

9.            Elian Gonzalez, who would like to visit the U.S. again someday, has always been back in Cuba.

10.          The United States has always been at war.

11.          Euros have always been the coin of the realm...well, at least part of the realm.

12.          Serena Williams has always been winning Grand Slam singles titles.

13.          SpongeBob SquarePants has always lived at Bikini Bottom.

14.          The Ali/Frazier boxing match for their generation was between the daughters of Muhammad and Joe.

15.          They have never had to watch or listen to programs at a scheduled time.

16.          James P. Hoffa has always been president of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters.

17.          TV ads for casinos have always been permitted to mention that there is actually gambling going on in there.

18.          Laws against on-the-job harassment have always applied to parties of the same sex.

19.          Even as the national mood gets glummer, there has always been an annual prize for the most humorous American.

20.          If you want to reach them, you’d better send a text—emails are oft ignored.

21.          They disagree with their parents as to which was the “first” Star Wars episode.

22.          “Nanny cams” have always been available to check up on the babysitter.

23.          NFL coaches have always had the opportunity to throw a red flag and question the ref.

24.          Bada Bing – Tony and Carmela Soprano and the gang have always been part of American culture.

25.          Books have always been read to you on audible.com.

26.          Citizens have always been able to register to vote when they get their driver’s license.

27.          Bluetooth has always been keeping us wireless and synchronized.

28.          X-rays have always been digital allowing them to be read immediately.

Today's Definition

Auction: A place where, if you're not careful, you'll get something for nodding.

Bar Owner Vs Church Congregation

There was a man who wanted to build a bar in the town. A church congregation that was next door strongly opposed it, but construction of the bar went on. Just before it was finished, however, lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.  The church congregation gloated and credited the Lord. The bar owner sued the church, claiming that the congregation’s prayers had cost him his building, but the church leaders denied having anything to do with it. The case went to court and the local judge was said not to know how to rule on the matter. He said he had a bar owner who believed in the power of prayer and a church congregation that didn’t!

82^nd Airborne Division

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.

"Well," he said, "its three weeks long."

"What else," I asked.

"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said.

"The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

"And the third week?" I asked.

"The third week, the fools jump."

Frazzled Cashier

I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22.  Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."  Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself."

Today’s Thought

I am the youngest of three. Both my parents are older.

Friday's Funnies

So It Goes

Just about the time a woman thinks her work is done, she becomes a grandmother.

Check

A doctor calls his patient and says, "The check you gave me for my bill came back."  The patient replied, "So did my arthritis!"

Another Lawyer Joke

A lawyer is walking along the beach and spots a glass bottle in the sand. When he opens it he discovers a genie inside.

Genie: Sir, I will grant you three wishes, but you must understand that whatever you wish for, every other lawyer in the world will get double.

Man: Hmmm. Ok. First I'd like $100 million.

G: No problem, but just understand that each lawyer got $200 million.

M: I understand. For my second wish, I'd like a new Porsche. In red, please.

G: Fine. It is in your garage. And just FYI, every lawyer in the world just got two of the same.

M: That's ok with me.

G: And for your third wish?

M: Well, I always did want to donate a kidney . . .

For Art's Sake

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They finally chose and went with the autumn themed one. "I see you prefer an autumn scene as opposed to a floral one," said the gallery owner, who happened to be nearby and witnessed the mother-son interaction. "No," said the boy. "This painting is wider, so it'll cover the three holes I put in the wall."

Signs that Childhood Is Over

*Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.

*Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

*The average 10-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

*Being bad is no longer cool.

*You have friends who have kids.

*You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's Playland.

*Your parents' jokes are now funny.

*You once said, "What-chu talkin' 'bout Willis?" or "Know whatta mean, Vern?"

*You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson's "Thriller."

*You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.

*Naps are good.

*You once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever."

*When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

*You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.

*You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.

*You want clothes for Christmas.

*You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it's a shot of you from behind.

The Bodyguard

My sister, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men." Perfect, my sister thought, and took the dog. Then one day two men in a parking lot approached her, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran and hid under the nearest car.

Following Orders

Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."

Drawing

A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.

Teacher: "What is this?"

Kid: "It's a drawing of a cow eating grass."

"Where's the grass?"

"The cow ate all of it."

"Then, where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

Today’s Thought

7/5th of all people do not understand fractions. 

Friday's Funnies

Exercise

A man has to take up a sport at the advice of his doctor, so he decides to play tennis.  After a couple of weeks his buddy asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine", the man says, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!" "Really? What happens then?" his friend asks enthusiastically.  "Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!"

Mrs. Methuselah

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of capris. "Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183!" Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

The Mixed Blessing

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead!"

The Parting Gifts

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer are gathered at a mutual friend's graveside to mourn his passing. The priest says to the others, "I would like to honor our good friend in a special way." He pulls a $100 bill from his wallet and drops it on the casket. The rabbi agrees, "That's a fine idea," and drops his own $100 bill on the casket. The doctor, not to be outdone, does the same. The lawyer murmurs, "What a wonderful thought," as he gazes down at their friend's casket. Whipping out his pen, he quickly writes a check for $400, drops it into the grave and takes the three $100 bills as change.

The Secret

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffed a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was 21." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for 27 years, she can keep it forever."

Words Not Yet In The Dictionary

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to (a) suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Today’s Thought

Whiteboards are remarkable.