Friday's Funnies

 Tax Sayings

- For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated, and wrong.

- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

- Ever wonder how Form 1040 got its name? For every $50 you earn, you get $10, they get $40.

- Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves. The IRS feels the exact same way.

- Welcome to the Accounting department, where everybody counts.

- Accountants never die, they just get depreciated.

- They say there are 3 types of accountants. Those who can count, and those who can't.

Farmer

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top-of-the-line model. The farmer is suitably impressed and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the farmer says, “What's that noise?”

Math Dyslexia

A worker returned from his visit to the doctor and a colleague asked him how he made out. "Not bad. The doctor told me that I have math dyslexia." The other fellow said, "Gee, that sounds bad." "Actually, the Doctor told me not to worry, because 17 out of 5 people have it."

Useful Words That Ought To Exist

1) Begathon - Fundraising drive on public television or radio.
2) Cheedle - Residue on your fingers after eating Cheetos.
3) Crummox - Cereal bits in the bottom of the bag.
4) Fenderberg - Deposits of snow and ice that accumulate around your tires under the fender.
5) Flopcorn - Unpopped kernels at the bottom of the microwave bag.

Medical Problem

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $18000 down, and payments of $3000 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

 

Confused

I don't have a train of thought. I have seven trains on four tracks that narrowly avoid each other when the paths cross and all the conductors scream at each other.

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Crazy In The Workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
2. Ask people to call you "Captain."
3. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Put a chair facing the printer, sit there all day, and tell people you're waiting for your document.
5. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.
6. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
7. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
8. Send email messages saying "free pizza, free donuts in the lunchroom." When people complain that there was none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that."
9. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Thank Goodness!

You have 2 minutes to live but every time you breathe it resets the timer.

 

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

- If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

- Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

- Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.

- Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?

- Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

- Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

- I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'

Dad Joke

I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.

She called me a cheap skate.

Today’s Thought

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up, or is there a number to call?

Friday's Funnies

 A Large Order

A customer sent a large order to a distributor. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid so they sent a message: "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the reply came: "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

 

Deposit With a Whisper

One day a young man went up to the teller window at the bank and whispered, "Please deposit hundred dollars in my savings account." The teller handled the transaction and whispered back, "Have a good day." He started to leave but changed his mind. "I'm sorry we have to whisper," he said, "but if my car knows I've deposited money, it'll break down again." With his finger to his lips he tiptoed out.

 

How Old Are You?

When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're four," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."

 

Speeding Ticket

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one.  I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI (Driving Under the Influence).

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car.  I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right.  But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir.  That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by more police cars, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure.  Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer.  Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk?  I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

The trunk was opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it.  The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 

Bill Murray Quotes

- Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

- Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
- Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.
- Friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you've met and you're like, 'Yep, I like this one,' and you just do stuff with them.
- Disneyland. The world's biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
- I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. When it's my birthday, and when it's not my birthday.
- You can tell how boring a person is by the lack of fear in their eyes when someone is flipping through photos on their phone.
- My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 computer. They went to the moon. I play Tetris.

King Arthur’s Unknown Knights

It is a little-known fact that King Arthur had more knights than is usually believed. They included:

~ Sir Face - the devastatingly handsome, but disappointingly shallow knight.

~ Sir Pass – Arthur's best knight of all.

~ Sir Port - a great help to all the other knights.

~ Sir Prise – the knight who could always be relied on to do the unexpected.

~ Sir Vey – a watchful knight.

~ Sir Cuitous  - a knight who approached his duties in a roundabout way.

~ Sir Pose - a knight who stands by wild predictions.

~ Sir Cumvent – the evasive knight.

~ Sir Reen – a calm and cheerful knight.

~ Sir Spicious – a paranoid knight.

~ Sir Real – a vague and insubstantial knight.

~ Sir Cumstances – a knight whose fault it never was.

~ Sir Cumference - invented the round table.

~ Sir Plus - that extra knight.

~ Sir Cumference - the obese knight.

 

Dad Joke

I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

 

Today’s Thought

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and 3 sizes smaller?

Friday's Funnies

 Things I'm Great At

- Forgetting someone's name ten seconds after they tell me.

- Buying produce...and throwing it away two weeks later.
- Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the directions.
- Making plans. And then immediately regretting making plans.
- Leaving laundry in the dryer until it wrinkles. Then turning on the dryer to remove the wrinkles. Then forgetting it again.
- Calculating how much sleep I'll get if I can just "fall asleep right now."

Wife’s Birthday

It was my wife's birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home. "Can't talk," I said, "I'm driving." "Where are you?" she asked. She wasn't happy when I said the 7th tee.

Parking Sign

Frog Parking Only. All others will be toad.

Waiter!

A waiter places a warm cup in front of the gentleman. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, "But, sir, you asked for fresh ground!"

 

Anger Management

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet.

HUSBAND: How does that help?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

 

Who Knew

It turns out when you're asked who your favorite child is, you're expected to pick one of your own.

 

Puns

- The Roman emperor's wife hates playing hide and seek, because wherever she goes, Julius Caesar.

- If you're being chased by a pack of taxidermists, whatever you do, don't play dead.
- I tried to steal some spaghetti, but the female guard saw me, and I couldn't get pasta.

- My friend Jon was going to a fancy dress party is an Italian island.  I told him, don't be Sicily.
- I'm not sure what you call a small spillage from a pen, but I have an inkling.
- My grandfather invented the cold air balloon, but it never really took off.
- I used to work in a shoe recycling shop… It was "sole destroying."
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she dye.

- Once you see in one shopping center, you seen a mall.

- It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

- I'm a big fan of erasable whiteboards.  I find them quite remarkable.

- Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.  It was such a nice jester.

- To become a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

- The other day I tried to make a chemistry joke but got no reaction.

- It's funny, England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it has a Liverpool.

- Acupuncture is a jab well done.

- Is it true that when your clock is hungry, it goes back 4 seconds.

 

Failed Engine

Fifteen minutes into flight, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed, and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left." The guy in seat 17A turned to me and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

 

Good Question

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat is accidentally killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." The boy replied, "What's God going to do with a dead cat?"

Waiting on the Doctor

If you have ever had to wait in a doctor's office for what it seems is like an eternity - you will appreciate this story. A doctor tells the story when he was having one of those days when he wondered whether he should have stayed in bed. He was running late on his appointments and had a headache. He got a surprise when he entered the next examining room. He opened the door with a little less than his usual enthusiasm only to find that his next patient had set him up. He had stretched out on the examining table, taken the sheet provided on the table and pulled it over his whole body and stuck a sign on his chest that simply stated: "TOO LATE!"

Dad Joke

Bread is a lot like the sun.

In what way?

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

Didn't knead this today!

Today’s Thought

Sometimes I amaze myself with the stuff I say and do. Other times, I try to get out of the car with my seat belt on.

Friday's Funnies

 Leap Day Groaners

- What do athletes wear on Leap Day? Jumpsuits.

- Where do most people eat on Leap Day? IHOP.
- What do kids play on Leap Day? Hop-scotch.
- What do you tell a hitchhiker on Leap Day? Hop in.
- What does a lawyer do on Leap Day? Jump to conclusions.
- What does a butterfly do on Leap Day? Jump out of his own skin.
- How do you know it's almost Leap Day? When it is only a hop, skip and a jump away.
- What does a captain do on Leap Day? Jump ship.
- What did the pastor say to all the sinners on February 29th? Take a leap of faith.
- I wasn't going to celebrate Leap Day, but I decided to jump on the bandwagon.

In A Hurry

This morning, I used Red Bull instead of water to make my coffee. After 15 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home!

 

Grandma Reading Her Bible

Every time a little boy went to a playmate's house, he found the friend's grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally, his curiosity got the better of him. "Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?" he asked. "I'm not sure," said his friend, "but I think she's cramming for finals."

 

Don't Hurt Me

Me: (sobbing, eyes swollen, nose red) I can't see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!

Trainer: It was a sit up! You did one sit up.

Updated Employee Handbook - Effective Immediately...

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $600 Prada sneakers and carrying a $1200 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you can go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. If you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1, July 4 & December 25.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.

In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employee's supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week,
The Management

 

Dad Joke

Someone said, "Nothing rhymes with orange." I said, "No, it doesn't."

Today’s Thought

Join the two-day challenge: No coffee on February 30 and 31.

Friday's Funnies

 Three Psychiatrists

Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"  "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"  The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."

All About Family

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong. - Charles Wadsworth

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories. - John Wilmott

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law. - Hubert Humphrey

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snow blower, and vacuum cleaner. - Ben Bergor

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. - Wendy Liebman

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what they're talking about. - Evan Esar

Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. - Dan Bennettt

Rain

With all this rain, we need an ark. Fear not! I Noah guy. 

Ellen DeGeneres Quotes 

Human beings only use ten percent of their brains. Ten percent! Can you imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other sixty percent?

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't really surprise me, because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.

If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move.

The word "yoga" literally means "uniting," because when you're doing it you are uniting your mind and your body. You can tell this almost immediately because your mind will be thinking, "Ouch, that hurts," and your body will say, "I know." And your mind will think, "You have to get out of this position." And your body will say, "I agree with you, but I can't right now. I think I'm stuck."

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we've checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. 

Things Learned Living In Texas

~ A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
~ There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas
~ There are 10,000 types of spiders.  All 10,000 of them live in Texas .
~ If it grows, it'll stick ya.  If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
~ 'Jaw-P?' means, 'Did y'all go to the bathroom?
~ There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
~ Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
~ "Backwards and forwards" means "I know everything about you."
~ The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning, 'Did you eat?'
~ You measure distance in minutes.
~ You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
~ You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco, and Ketchup.
~ You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
~ Fried catfish is the other white meat.

The Final Fixing of the Foolish Fugitive

Feeling footloose, fancy-free, and frisky, the feather-brained fellow finagles his fond father into forking over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with fair-weather friends. Finally, facing famine, and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farmlot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments. "Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact. Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. "Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors..." But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast. But the fugitive's fault-finding frater, faithfully farming his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of former falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile. His foresighted father figured, "Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic, and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken." "Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude." 

Dad Joke

Somebody gave me a flyer on anger management. I admit, I lost it. 

Today’s Thought

Try resistance training...refuse to go to the gym.

Friday's Funnies

 Love

Love may not make the world spin around, but it certainly makes a lot of people dizzy.

 

Great Cheese

 

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef. "Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there." "Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"

Put a Lid on It!

 

A soldier went up to the Company cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food." The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!" "That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."

 

Q & A

 

(Q:) What do you call a bear without teeth? (A:) A Gummy Bear.

 

World's First Professional

 

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. The Doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?" "No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world." "Wait," said the engineer. "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an organized civilized place from utter chaos?" "Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer.

Funny Quotes

 

- I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

 

- I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So tonight after dinner I'm dropping her off at her parent's house.

- The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.

- I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.

- Driver: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.

- I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see," & walked away. I asked another & he also said, "I'll see," & walked away. In the end, I gave up & found them myself, in aisle C.

- I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

- When I was a kid, I used to watch the "Wizard of Oz" and wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook.

- I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

- A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some 2x4s. The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?" The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

- I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.

- Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die?

- I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.

- Never trust an electrician with no eye brows.

- So my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 am. 3AM!!! Luckily I was already up playing the bagpipes.

- Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow! My house looks great."

 

What’s The Difference

 

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? A: I could be wrong, since I'm not a zoologist, but I believe the main difference is that one you will see later and the other in a while. 

 

Bad Driver

 

You know you're a bad driver when Siri says, "In 400 feet, stop and let me out.

 

Dad Joke

 

When does a joke become a dad joke?

A: When it falls in love with a yo mama joke
B: When it becomes apparent
C: When you store it in a dad-a-bank
D: When the punchline is full groan

Today’s Thought

A ship carrying a load of red paint collided with a ship carrying a load of purple paint. Both crews were marooned.

Friday's Funnies

 Super Bowl

There was a Super Bowl football game between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals. At half time the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5-yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach, and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too," said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5-yard loss?" "That was me as well," said the centipede. "SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach. "Well," replied the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

What do you call forty German naysayers from San Francisco? The San Francisco Forty Neiners

 

How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire? Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up.

 

Top 10

Whenever I read a list of "Top 10 things to do before I die" I'm always surprised that "call 9-1-1" is never number one.

 

Translations of men’s responses

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

 

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

 

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

 

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

 

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

 

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated: "Are you still talking?"

 

"OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

 

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

 

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

 

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

 

"I HEARD YOU."

Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

 

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

 

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

 

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

 

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

 

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned. At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!" The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades. She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued, "I want to be a Zamboni driver!"

 

The Bathroom

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers." "That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

 

Dad Joke

So I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe, I said to the assistant "It's too tight".

She said, "Try it with the tongue out". I said, "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight".

 

Today’s Thought

Why did the football coach shake the vending machine? Because he needed a quarterback.