Friday's Funnies

Asking Questions

Jack and Max are walking in the hallway after a religious service. Jack wonders if it would be all right to smoke while praying. Max replies, "Why don't you ask the rabbi?" So Jack goes up to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?" But the rabbi says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion." Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good rabbi told him. Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try." And so Max goes up to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?" To which the rabbi eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Moral: The reply you get depends on the question you ask.  For example: May I work on this project while I’m on vacation?

The Bonus

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money. The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.

Knowing Noah

My sister's youngest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his grandfather's knee and have stories read to him. One day after a story about Noah's ark and how Noah led pairs of animals to the safety of the ark the little boy asked, "Granddad, you are very old, were you in Noah's ark?" "Oh, no", said Granddad. "In that case, how come you didn't drown when the flood came?"

From the Australian Association Of Retired People

Q:Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?      

A: Try a bookstore under 'fiction'.

Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband? 

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?   

A: Take off your glasses.

Q:Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking? 

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory ?  

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.

Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?     

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?    

A: On their foreheads.

Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?     

A: "I remember these!”

Medical Records

As an expert witness in the healthcare profession, I have come across the following quotes from actual medical records dictated by physicians. For you MDs, excuse me!

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

Coin Toss

Golfer 1: "Why are you so late?"

Golfer 2: "I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"

Time

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.  Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A minute."  Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A penny."  Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"  The Lord replies, "In a minute."

Friday's Funnies

Heaven

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.  "NO!" the children all answered.  "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"  Again, the answer was, "NO!"  "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.  Again, they all answered, "NO!"  "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"   A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Maple Leaf

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After he was sworn in, the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.  After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident, he finally got around to the meat of the case: "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."  "Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.  "Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."

You Know You Live in a Small Town When...

•   The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.

•   The local phone book has only one yellow page.

•   Third Street is on the edge of town.

•   You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.

•   You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.

•   No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

•   You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct one.

•   Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher got it right.

Actual complaints received by Thomas Cook Vacations (a British firm) from dissatisfied customers:

1.    "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

2.    "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

3.    "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

4.    "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

5.    "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

6.    "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

7.    "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

8.    "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

9.    "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time — this should be banned."

10.  "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

11.  "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom suite and ours was significantly smaller."

12.  "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

13.  "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

14.  "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

How come?

"Teacher," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."

"What's that Joey?" asked the Sunday school teacher.

"Well according' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So what's your question?"

"What I want to know is this," demanded Joey. "What were all the grown-ups doing?"

How High Can You Count?

A father and son were riding in their truck together one day and the son asked the father, "Dad, how high can you count?"  The father replied, "Well, I don't know, son -- how high can you count?"  The son immediately replied, "One thousand, five hundred, forty-two."  The father said, "Why did you stop?"  The son shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, church was over."

Football

A guy decides to bring his new girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.  She replies: "Oh it was great, but there is one thing I don't understand." "What don't you understand?" The girlfriend replies, "Well, at the beginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, what’s the big idea, it's just a quarter!"

Today’s Thought

Football is not a contact sport; it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport. 

Friday's Funnies

Pun Alert

The wives of two Irish brothers, a chef and a public health inspector, both gave birth to twins, each having a boy and a girl, on March 17th. The chef's kids were christened Sam and Patty. The health inspector named his babies Sam and Ella.

Check That Reference

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference and accidentally dropped the number one before the word John. So the newly married couple received a beautifully inscribed cake reading simply "John 4:18", which states, "For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."

Sounds Right

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

Hearing Aid

Helen and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told us how his hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. His granddaughter was sitting on his lap one day when the device started to beep.  Surprised, little Lorraine looked up at him and said, "Oh, Grampa, you've got e-mail!"

Car Sale

Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."  "That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."  "Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles.  Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."  The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic.  Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"  "No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

Chocolate Ice Cream

A man approached an ice cream van and said, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."  The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate."  "In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."  "You don't understand, sir," the girl said. "We have no chocolate."  "Then just give me some chocolate," he insisted.  Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla'?"  The man spelled, "V-A-N."  "Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"  "OK. 'S-T-R-A-W.'"  "Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in 'chocolate.'"  The man hesitated and then looked confused as he replied, "There is no stink in chocolate."  "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screamed.

The Surprise

Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it. "I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God." the little girl replied. "He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."

Conundrum du Jour

Why do those caution signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

You Know You’re in a Large Urban Church When…

~ You have to ride a shuttle bus to get to the worship service
~ You stand in line waiting for the previous service to end and when it does, you feel as if you are swimming upstream
~ You have attended the same church, at the same time each weekend, for the past month and have not heard the same preacher twice
~ You wonder why there are hymn books in the pew rack that are never used
~ You can meet with a leader of the church in the atrium coffee shop
~ There is a 400-seat prayer chapel besides the 2000+ seat main sanctuary
~ You have to speak with a pastor through the appropriate administrative assistant after getting past a receptionist
~ The staff are required to wear picture ID tags

City Kid on the Farm

A city kid went to his grandpa's farm for the weekend. He tagged along as Pa did what had to be done around the place, taking it all in. Then Grandpa came across a cow having trouble calving. He didn't know how the whole process would be taken in by the six-year-old, but had no option but to get on with the job of assisting the birth. When the calf had been 'pulled' and the cow was happily cleaning it up, Pa asked the boy if he had any questions about what he had just seen. At first the kid seemed overwhelmed by the experience, but finally asked, "Just how fast was that calf going when it hit the cow's behind?"

Today’s Thought


The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.

Friday's Funnies

If Websites Had Warning Labels

Google: "Warning! You may actually find more than what you're looking for."

Blogs: "May cause drowsiness."

Microsoft: "Warning! Bill Gates isn't *ever* going to share his money with you."

MySpace: "Age, gender and attractiveness of members may differ from what is actually posted."

Apple Computers: "Warning! High Smug Advisory."

Wikipedia: "Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?"

iTunes: "Be alert for falling album sales and shifting music industry paradigms."

YouTube: "Warning! Contents may be stupid."

Match.com: "Contents may just be settling."

The DJ

Our son was a DJ at a university radio station. During one shift, he ran through his material faster than expected. He asked listeners for requests, but no one phoned. So Sam played a few more wild hard-rock numbers and asked for calls after each one, but still no response. Finally he got serious with his audience. "Okay," he threatened, "if I don't get any requests, I'll play something my parents would like." The phone rang immediately.

Dentist Appointment

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.  The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a terrible hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. Forget about the anesthetic; I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town, and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work."  The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man, asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."  So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"  The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show him."

Get Me One Too

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning." After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister."

The Break

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician. "Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked. "Yes," the girl replied. "Did it hurt?" "No." "Really?" the technician said. "Which bone did you break?" "My sister's arm."

You Know You’re in a Small Country Church When…

~ People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

~ People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

~ The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and five guys stand up.

~ Opening day of hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.

~ A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because: "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of!"

~ Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

~ The choir group is known as the "O.K. Chorale."

~ The pastor wears boots.

~ Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

~ There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

~ Baptism is referred to as "branding."

~ There's a special fundraiser for a new septic tank.

~ Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

~ High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

~ The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear."

Poof

A salesman, an office manager, and their boss are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it...  POOF! A genie comes out. The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."  "Me first! Me first!" cries the office manager. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."  POOF! She's gone.  In astonishment, the salesman shouts: "Me next! Me next! I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, and the love of my life."  POOF! He's gone.  "Okay, you're up," the genie says to the boss.  The boss says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Blondes fight back

All members of Mensa have I.Q.s of at least 140.

At one Mensa convention, several members at a local cafe noticed the shaker with an S on top, for salt, contained pepper and their pepper shaker, with a P on top, was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, here was the marvelous Mensa mystery!  They presented ideas, debated them, and finally came up with what they felt was a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.  They called the blonde waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.  "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains..."  "Oh, sorry!" interrupted the blonde waitress. "Here," and she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

Today’s Thought

Q: What do you call 100 rabbits dancing backward?

A: A receding hare line.