Friday's Funnies

Inner Peace

I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie and a small box of candy. I feel better already. Pass this along to those who need inner peace.

Church Football

• Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
• Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
• Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
• Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work or apparently do anything but sit.
• Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
• Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
• Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
• Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
• Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".
• Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
• End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
• Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
• Halfback Option - The decision of 50 percent of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
• Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, ” I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty, guilty, guilty’ So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!”

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer.”

Golf

The hacker hit the ball into the rough and landed on an anthill.  He tried three times to hit the ball and each time he missed the ball and hit the anthill.  Ants went flying all over the place.  One ant turned to the other ant and said, "If we are going to survive, we had better get on the ball."

Five Amusing Shop Signs

1.Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.

2.Tailor shop, Greece: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.

3.On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

4.At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.  IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

5.Shipton-under-Wychwood in Oxon, UK has a local plumber whose van announces: ‘The Lone Drainer – he come pronto.’

Time to get back to the gym?

You know it is time to resume running when…
- You try to do a few pushups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.
- Your children look through your wedding album and want to know who mom’s first husband was.
- You get winded just saying the words “10 kilometer run”.
- You come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch your toes each morning, He would have put them somewhere around your knees.
- You analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humor.
- You step on a talking scale and it says, “Come back when you are alone”.

On The Clock

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$250 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what is your third question?"

The Wedding

A wide-eyed little girl, attending her first wedding, did not miss a single detail. Afterward she asked her mother: "Did the lady change her mind? She went up the aisle with one man and came back with a different one!"

Think About It
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Shorts

• Know why a room full of married people looks so empty?  There's not a single person in it.
• Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.
• What do you call a boom-a-rang that doesn't come back?  Answer: A stick!

Dilemma

Q. Who is more satisfied a man with a million dollars or a man with six children?

A. The man with six children.  The man with a million dollars wants more.

Friday's Funnies

Unqualified

Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because of a lack of campaign funds? Anyone who stops spending just because he's out of money doesn't belong in Washington anyway!

Untraveled

• I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
• I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.
• I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.
• I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.

Juror

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The prosecutor asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant? The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?" "English and theater," I responded. "Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped. "No" I shot back. "You better watch your acting." When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.

If I were a millionaire

“Take a pencil and paper,” the teacher said, “and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’”  Everyone but Philip began to write furiously. He just leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. “What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”  “I’m waiting for my secretary,” he replied.

House Keeping

My 17-year-old niece was looking for a job, so her mother scoured the want ads with her. "Here's one. A couple are looking for someone to watch their two kids and do light housekeeping." "Hel-looo!" said my niece, rolling her eyes. "I can't take that job. I don't know anything about lighthouses."

The Difference Between an Optimist and a Pessimist

"What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?" I asked my husband. He thought for a minute before responding, "An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guy who created the parachute."

Advertising Lingo

Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?

NEW – Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE – Imported product.

UNMATCHED – Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.

IT’S HERE AT LAST – Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED – Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY – Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC – No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED – Previous flaws fixed – we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY – Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH – We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS – Ours, not yours.

HIGH RELIABILITY – We made it work long enough to ship it.

Tip?

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.   To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.   "Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.   "Yep," he replied proudly, "not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"

4 Funny Attempts at Speaking English

English is tough to learn, as these attempts from classes in English as a second language prove:

"Do you like this food? I made it from scratching."

"I never liked mushrooms, but now they are beginning to grow in me."

"Do you like your coffee cremated?"

"I usually worm up my food before I eat it.

Death

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.  "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.  "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.  The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

Regular

The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at the table next to ours. "Regular?" She asked her customer.  "Yes, thank you." said the man. "Due to a steady diet of fruit."

Friday's Funnies

Love Letters

After being married for fifty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." "What does that mean?" she inquired. He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot." She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. But what about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" He will have his missing teeth replaced as soon as the swelling in his face goes down.

Bottle Blues

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Getting an exasperated glance from her mother, the little girl told the minister, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

Jurisprudence

The brilliant lawyer F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man's arm. "Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?" Smith asked the plaintiff. The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face contorted with apparent pain. "Thank you," said Smith. "And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before the accident?" The man's arm shot above his head.

SIGNS YOUR TRAVEL AGENT HAS MISLED YOU

~ On your descent into Auckland, you catch a glimpse of the Golden Gate Bridge.

~ You've driven halfway around New Zealand and have yet to see a single Hobbit.

~ "Alabamastan" ain't really a country in Eastern Europe.

~ Sun? Check.  Sand? Check. Carrying an M16 while being shouted at by a drill sergeant? Uh-oh.

~ The "Transylvania" tour is nothing but a visit to a Polish union town in Ohio led by a couple of Goth chicks.

~ It turns out that Cawker City, Kansas, only has the world's "second" largest ball of twine!

~ As you board the plane, you find the "occupied" sign is up on your "private cabin."

Church offering

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the atmosphere, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make an offering.  “Great idea!” the chicken replied. “Let’s offer them ham and eggs!”  “Not so fast,” said the pig. “For you, that’s an offering. For me, it’s a sacrifice.”

Places I'd like to go

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.

Stay!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.  She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"  "Stay! Stay!"  The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look, and said, "Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

Getting Older

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?”  

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

Funny Cap

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.

Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of them.  He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do," and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."