Friday's Funnies

More funny signs

In A Safari Park:  Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

At a propane filling station:  “Tank heaven for little grills.”

Message On A Leaflet:  If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

At The Electric Company:  “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

On A Scientist’s Door:  “Gone Fission”

On A Taxidermist’s Window:  “We really know our stuff.”

Outside A Hotel:  “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”

In the front yard of a funeral home:  “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At A Farmer’s Field:  “The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.”

On A Billboard – Ad For A Safe Company:  “If your stuff is stolen, it’s not our vault.”

On a fence:  “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership:  “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

The Collection Selection

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Bible Q&A

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?

A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?

A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. What's the phone number of the Garden of Eden?

A. ADAM-8-1-2

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua, son of Nun.

The Lord's Prayer

From San Francisco:

When I was a child, I learned this prayer as "Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I always thought that was God's real name.

Missoula, MT:

My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"

Uniontown, OH:

I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread."

Grand Junction, CO:

When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.

Today’s Thought

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Friday's Funnies

Imponderables

• Why do we say something is out of whack? What's "in" whack?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
• Did Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
• Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
• What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
• How come no one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning?

How It Works

My parents are both busy professional people and have trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On weekends they each make a list of things to be done. Father's list is never completely crossed off, but Mother's always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that. "Simple," she answered with a satisfied grin. "I do the chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it off!"

Understanding the Signs

Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped. Recently my husband, Dave, wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus." Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?" "Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men." "Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."

Headlines from 2050
Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen
Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens
Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
Younger Generation’s Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby’s
Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges
50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
Baby Conceived Naturally

Personalized plate

One of my customers at the Department of Motor Vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, “This way I can’t forget the date.”

A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, “I need to change the numbers on that plate application.”

Marriage Advice

Being married is a little like living in California. If you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

Speechless

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof.'" "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog and man sit on the curb dejected. The dog turns to his owner and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Hearing Aid

While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt. "How does that help your hearing?" I asked. "Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."

Rise & Shine

I really didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but the manager at the Bed Warehouse was so insistent!

Family Matters

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you." When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him. "He's gone to Rome," she replied in a huff, "to blow out that candle."

Today’s Thought

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

Friday's Funnies

The Perceptive Doctor

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!!

The Wedding

I had the pleasure of attending a wedding last week. It was a beautiful event, and emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.

Real Resume and Cover Letter Excerpts

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

• I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
• I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
• Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
• Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
• Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
• Its best for employers that I not work with people.
• You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
• Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
• Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
• Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
• As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
• Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
• Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
• Marital status: often. Children: various.
• Finished eighth in my class of ten.
• Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

Fun Things To Do During Boring Sermons

~ Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.

~ See if a yawn really is contagious.

~ Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.

~ Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

~ Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.

~ Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.

~ Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

~ Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.

~ Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.

~ Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.

~ Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.

~ Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.

~ By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.

~ While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn.

~ Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed.

~ See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before your mother catches you.

~ Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room.

~ Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can.

Office signs

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

A sign on the elevator door:

“This elevator is out of whack.” Later someone had penciled in, “More whack is on order.”

In a non-smoking area:

“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and we will put you out.”

Seen During A Conference:

For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Today’s Thought

A word to the wise: Never allow a tobacco-chewing dyslexic near your "tips" jar.