Friday's Funnies

Christmas one liners

 

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? 

 

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has NO “L”.

 

Christmas carols in the psych ward

1. SCHIZOPHRENIA -- Do You Hear What We Hear?
2. AMNESIA -- I Don't Know If I'll Be Home for Christmas.
3. NARCISSIST -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing All About Me.
4. MANIC -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants, and.....
5. MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER -- We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
6. PARANOID --- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me.
7. BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER -- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
8. FULL PERSONALITY DISORDER -- You Better Watch Out! I'm Gonna cry; I'm Gonna Pout! -- Maybe I'll Tell You Why.

9. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.....
10. AGORAPHOBIA -- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day, but Wouldn't Leave My House.
11. SENILE DEMENTIA -- Walking in a Winter Wonderland--Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe
12. OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER -- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, So I Burned Down the House.
13. SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER -- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
14. ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER -- We Wish You.. . . Hey Look!!! It's Snowing!!

 

Top Things Overheard on the Wise Men's Journey to Bethlehem

 

- "OK, we got gold. We got the frankincense. We got the myrrh. Think we should get something more practical, like diapers, maybe?"

 

- "I thought this was SUPPOSED to be a WEEKEND road trip.

Boy, is my wife ever gonna be ticked when I get home."

 

- "All this gazing at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy."

 

- "I still say it wouldn't hurt to drop by Balthazar's place for another visit on the way back. That was SOME buffet!"

 

- "16 hours a day on a camel. Are you sure this beats walking?"

 

- "Why should I always have to be in the rear? It's somebody else's turn to get sand in his face."

 

- "You guys have any idea how to treat saddle sores?"

 

- "Man, I'm starting to get a rush from this frankincense!"

 

- "You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like chicken."

 

- "You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem."

 

- "What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow? Phoenician?"

 

- "Hey, do either of you know why 'MYRRH' is spelled with a 'Y' instead of a 'U'?"

 

- "Okay, who forgot to give his camel a bath before we left?"

 

Christmas Riddles

 

Q. If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
A. Mistletoe!

Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Q. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A. Sandy Claus!

Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.

Q. What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A. Santa caught in a revolving door!

Q. If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A. A subordinate claus.

Q. What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A. Pour Santa flush on him.

Q. How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer, "Olive"?
A. Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."

Track Santa

 

Don’t forget to track Santa starting on Christmas Eve:  http://www.noradsanta.org/

Friday's Funnies

Too Many Videos

 

As we drove slowly through a scenic Texas park, my eight-year-old daughter spied a doe and her spotted twin fawns grazing under oaks just a few feet from the narrow pavement.  "Mom! Mom!" she cried, head swiveling as we passed. "Deer! Rewind!"

 

Car Trouble

 

Airhead: "Hey, can you come pick me up?  Car trouble again."

Friend: "OK. (sigh) What went wrong this time?"

Airhead: "It's the brakes."

Friend: "Well, I'll be right there.  Where are you?"

Airhead: "I'm in the drugstore."

Friend: "And where's the car?"

Airhead: "It's in here with me."

 

Snowstorm

 

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

 

PUN-ishment

 

Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

 

The Solution

When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers. Nevertheless they found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning "Alarm will sound if opened," failed to deter people from using it. One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: "Wet paint."

 

The Privileged Rich

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'" Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously. "What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" "I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

 

Police stop

 

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.  "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.  "I juggle them in my act."  "Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it."  The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch. "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

 

Best Responses if Found Asleep at Your Desk

 

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

 

Word Game

 

Give this PLENTY of thought, and don't cheat! See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Assess
Uneven

Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try... you'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. Go back and look at them again; think hard. OK... Here you go... hope you didn't cheat. This is so cool.

Answer . . . . .

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

Today’s Thought

 

One of the greatest labor-saving inventions of today is tomorrow.

Friday's Funnies

TOP POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS — EXCUSE ME, HOLIDAY — SONGS

 

9. Chestnuts Roasting on an Environmentally-friendly Fuel Source

8. Rudolph, the Endangered and Exploited Specie

7. We Three Politically Oppressive Patriarchs

6. Rocking Around the Recycled, Flame-retardant, Artificial Holiday Tree

5. All I Want For Christmas is a Dental Plan

4. Frosty the Snowperson

3. I'm Dreaming of a Racially Diverse Christmas

2. I'll Be Home For Ramadan (or Chanukah or Kwanzaa or Winter Solstice or . . .)

1. We Wish You a Non-sectarian Holiday

 

Sad But True

 

Back before Thanksgiving, the teacher asked the children in her class about the upcoming holiday. She thought it might be effective to inch toward its meaning by having them playfully correct some wrong statements. "Now let me think," she began. "Thanksgiving. That's the day when we think about all the stuff we have. And how we want more things than anybody else has. And how we don't care about anybody but ourselves. And ..." "No!" the preschool kids were starting to chorus! "No-o-o!" Then one little guy looked up and said, "That's not Thanksgiving. That's Christmas!"

Fourths?

Our culture is so dependent on technology, we don't even know how to count change back or do simple math any more. I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a sub shop the other day, and I asked the man to cut it into fourths. "I'm sorry, I can't," he said. "I already cut it in half."

The Getaways

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India. One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"

The Well-Wisher

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better." One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

Olympics Joke

 

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.  A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.  The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.  The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.  The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says: "Fencing."

 

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

"I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club."

Computer Term Dictionary

 

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
MacBook Air: Apple's Mac that makes you say, "Gee, it's three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago."
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.
GUI (pronounced "gooey"): What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

 

Speeding

 

A motorist was caught by a speed camera going 10 mph over the limit.  He received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.  Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.  In return, the police department sent another picture - of handcuffs.

His Reason

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," the boy said. "Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?" "Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

Patience Persists

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?" Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Dewey, I've been telling you for the last half hour... I'll be ready in a minute!"

Today’s Thought

 

I'm a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things at once

Friday's Funnies

Eclipse of the Moon

 

Teacher: There will be an eclipse of the moon tonight. Perhaps your parents will let you stay up to watch it.

Pupil: What channel is it on?

 

Lessons Learned During Extended Power Outage

 

* Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.

 

* No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.

 

* He who has the biggest generator wins.

 

* There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people realize.

 

* TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful.

 

* Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.

 

* Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing.

 

* Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the batteries remain charged.

 

* A store that sold only ice, chainsaws, gas, and generators would make serious money.

 

* I can walk a lot farther than I thought.

 

Impossibilities in the World’

 

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

 

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you moron.

 

Yes officer

 

A lady who was speeding was pulled over to the side of the road by an officer.  She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.  After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"  "Oh, yes I do, officer," she replied.  "Well," asked the officer, "do you always loop it through your steering wheel?" 

 

Hearing Aid

While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt. "How does that help your hearing?" I asked. "Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."

Concert Program

When my youngest daughter was three, she begged to be allowed to attend a concert with her older sister and brother. She assured me she was a big girl and would behave herself. As we took our seats in the orchestra hall, I handed programs to the kids. Following the lead of her older siblings, my three-year-old opened her program, and in her most grown-up voice said, "Mommy, I'll have the chicken, please..."

Leaving Home

While putting my 4-year-old daughter to bed one evening, I read her the story of the Prodigal Son. We discussed how the young son had taken his inheritance and left home, living it up until he had nothing left. Finally, when he couldn't even eat as well as pigs, he went home to his father, who welcomed him. When we finished the story, I asked my daughter what she had learned. After thinking a moment, she quipped, "Never leave home without your credit card!"

Sooner Than Later

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is because this prescription is marked 'No Refills'!"

Going Out With A Bang

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this faithfully and he lived to the ripe old age of 93. When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

Ten Things I Know About You

 

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face, and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person and everyone does it, too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Friday's Funnies

CUSTOMER APPROVAL

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Dewey mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items... with a "thank you" note from the manufacturer. "Well, what do you think?" asked his smiling wife, Olga. "I think that next time," Dewey replied, "I'm writing to Toyota."

THE RAISE

Our boss told us that she is planning a salary raise. One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?" The boss answered, "As soon as you do."

BEST FRIEND

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"  "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.  But, there is a Higher Power.  Can anybody tell me what it is?"  One child blurted out, "Aces!"

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.  "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."  "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.  "Yes, sir." the boy replied.  "And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.   "No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime"

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.  "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."  "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified.   She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"  Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"

ENGLISH LESSON

1. Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?

2. Do you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?

3. And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense, "ate"?

PUNNY RIDDLES

What do you get if you cross an oyster with an owl?
Pearls of wisdom.

What do you call a person who just downloaded 1,000 puns from the Internet?
Well e-quipped.

How do you get a baby astronaut to go to sleep?
Rocket.

What do you get if you cross a rabbit with a sprinkler?
Hare Spray.

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
After a month they were fighting tooth and nail.

TODAY’S THOUGHT

We child proofed our home - but they're still getting in.

Friday's Funnies

Things learned from TV:

 

~ All crimes are solved in 1 hour.

~ The good guy always wins.

~ When you're trapped, you always find a way out.

~ A trip from Los Angeles to China takes 5 seconds.

~ All women still have makeup on when they wake up in the morning.

~ When you're a hero, you will never get burnt in a fire.

 

Shoe Cover-Up

 

One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.  Later that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.  That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.  "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

 

If Websites Had Warning Labels

• Google:  "Warning! You may actually find more than what you're looking for."
• Blogs:  "May cause drowsiness."
• Microsoft:  "Warning! Bill Gates isn't ever going to share his money with you."
• MySpace:  "Age, gender and attractiveness of members may differ from what is actually posted."
• Apple Computers:  "Warning! High Smug Advisory."
• Wikipedia:  "Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?"
• YouTube:  "Warning! Contents may be stupid."

Coffee Options

Man:  "Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."
Waiter:  "I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

Say It With Flowers

 

A guy goes into a florist shop that has a sign: "Say It With Flowers."  He says, "One rose, please."  "Just one?" asks the florist.   "Yes.  I'm a man of few words."

 

How Long?

 

After the pastor finished his sermon, he stayed at the doors and shook the people's hands as they went by, making sure to give a smile and a kind word to each one.  By the time he finished, most of the people milling around in the church lobby had left except for a few. The pastor noticed in particular one elderly woman who was sitting on one of the hallway plush benches, nearly in tears, rocking back and forth. Concerned, the pastor walked over to her and heard her emit the words, "How long, Lord? How long?"  Touched, he laid a hand on the white head. "Ma'am, God has heard you. I am sure that he will come through for you," he said soothingly. She looked up at him with a small smile and thanked him.  Feeling that he had done a very good deed, he turned and was about to walk out the doors when one of the bathroom doors opened and someone came out.  The pastor definitely had a feeling of chagrin when the old woman yelled, "Praise the Lord!" and ran inside.

 

Texting for Seniors

 

Since more seniors are texting and tweeting, here are some STC (Senior Texting Codes). If you qualify for the senior discount, this is for you.  Please pass this along to your children and grandchildren so they can understand you.

 

ATD: At The Doctor's

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can't Get Up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

FWB: Friend With Betablockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGLKI: Gotta Go! (Laxative Kicking In)

GGPBL: Gotta Go! (Pacemaker Battery Low)

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

ROFL & CGU: Rolling On the Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

 

No Money at College

A young man away from home and at college was feeling low. He had no money at the present time, so he decided at ask dad for some help. He sent a simple three line six word letter to dad. It said,

"No mon.  No fun.  Your son."

A week later he had a response from dad another three line six word letter. It said,

"Too bad.  So sad.  Your dad."

 

Today’s Thought

 

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Friday's Funnies

Halloween Q & A

Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton?

A. Napoleon bone-apart.

 

Q. Which building does Dracula visit in New York?

A. The Vampire State Building.

 

Q. What do Italian's eat on Halloween?

A. Fettuccine Afraid-o.

 

Q. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?

A. Ghoul-aid!!!

 

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

A: He had no guts.

 

Q. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?

A. A sand-witch.

 

Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?

A. He didn't have a haunting license.

 

Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?

A. He had no body to dance with.

 

Q. Where did the goblin throw the football?

A. Over the ghoul line.

 

Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal?

A. He heard it had great circulation.

 

Q. What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae?

A. Whipped scream.

 

Q. What do you give a skeleton for valentine's day?

A. Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

 

Q. What are ghosts' favorite kind of streets?

A. Dead ends.

 

Q. What is a vampires favorite holiday?

A. Fangsgiving.

 

Q. What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?

A. Mas-scare-a.

 

Old Friends

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.  "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"  The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding." 

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.  

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.  

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.  

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are, "Gentlemen, start your engines. "

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.  

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.  

14. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.  

15. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.  

Wrong
First guy:  "I'm really in the doghouse. I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask." Second guy:  "What kind of question?" First guy:  "She asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat, and ugly." Second guy:  "That's easy. You just say, 'Of course I will.'" First guy:  "Yeah, that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
Making Music
My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh," said my dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "How come?" I asked. "Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."

Amen
A father and son were riding in their truck together one day and the son asked the father, "Dad, how high can you count?" The father replied, "Well, I don't know, son — how high can you count?"  The son immediately replied, "One thousand, five hundred, forty-two." The father said, "Why did you stop?" The son shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, church was over."

Today’s Thought

 

You know you're getting old when you come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

 

Friday's Funnies

Counting

The teacher asked little Andy if he knew his numbers yet. "Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me."  "Good, Andy. Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said. "Three," replied Andy.  "Very good. What comes after five, Andy?" asked the teacher. "Six," answered Andy.  "Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.  "A jack!" replied Andy.

Goal!

A three-year-old in the congregation regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes. On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"

Wrong Wording

 

First guy: "I'm really in the doghouse. I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask."

Second guy: "What kind of question?"

First guy: "She asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat, and ugly."

Second guy: "That's easy. You just say, 'Of course I will.'"

First guy: "Yeah, that's what I meant to say.  But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

 

Counting

 

A father and son were riding in their truck together one day and the son asked the father, "Dad, how high can you count?"  The father replied, "Well, I don't know, son -- how high can you count?"  The son immediately replied, "One thousand, five hundred, forty-two."  The father said, "Why did you stop?"  The son shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, church was over."

 

French Police

 

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.  The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.  Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French law why he is going to be arrested.  The Englishman answers with humor: "No, sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving ... on the other side?"

  

Medical Condition

 

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true??" she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"  "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.  There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'!"

 

Blond Joke

 

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.  The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.   She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. ‘What does it look like?' she finally asked.  The policewoman replied, ‘It's square and it has your picture on it.’  The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.  The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,' Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.’

 

You have lost something

 

A wife called her husband as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and the husband could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me.  And now I can't find it!"  The husband replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?" There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

 

Laws still on the books

 

Connecticut:
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

Illinois:
It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

Iowa:
Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

West Virginia:
No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

Oklahoma:
Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.

Calorie burning

 

I just burned 1,200 calories.  I forgot the pizza in the oven.

 

Today’s Thought

 

People who are wrong can be hard to correct. People who are right can be hard to live with.

Friday's Funnies

Savings

 

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for way back in 2000." "You mean a brand-new Mercedes?" she asked eagerly.   "No," he replies, "a 2000 Mercedes."

 

Organist

 

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, at the end of the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.  "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."  During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."  At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."  And that is how the substitute became the regular.

 

Smarty pants

 

On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."  A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

 

Waiter

 

The waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat as he is carrying on the plate.  "Are you crazy?"  complained the customer, "You have your hand on my steak!"  “What?"  answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

 

Four Little Words

 

Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in a while, so they decided to meet for lunch.  The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.  "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"  "He said, 'Will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.  Heather replied, "No, he said, 'Put your money away.'"

 

The Unluckiest Man Alive

Four blokes were sitting in a pub drinking.  As time went on, the face of one got longer and longer.  "What's the matter, Fred?"  "I guess I'm the unluckiest man alive!"  "Why so, Fred?"  "Well, you know I went to that funeral last week."  The other three nodded. "But he was in his nineties!"  "I know." He paused as his face got longer. "It's just that I caught the wreath!"

 

GRANDPARENTS - as defined by children

 

~ Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.

~ A grandfather is a man grandmother.

~ Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

~ They don't say, "Hurry up."

~ Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

~ They wear glasses and funny underwear.

~ Grandparents don't have to be smart.

~ Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown-ups who like to spend time with us.

~ They know we should have snack-time before bedtime.

~ They kiss us even when we've acted bad.

 

That’s Gross

 

Customer: "What's the luncheon special today?"

Waiter: "Beef tongue with onions."

Customer: "Oh, yuck!! I could never eat anything that was in a cow's mouth!!"

Waiter: "Very well. What will you have?"

Customer: "Gimme a couple fried eggs."

 

Mom's Clarinet

 

My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.  "Oh," said my dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."  "How come?" I asked.  "Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."

 

Winter Morning

 

A wife texts her husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Her husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."
The wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely messed up now."

 

Pay back

 

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex watch." "But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.  "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he'll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

 

Weird Dream

 

A man went to his doctor complaining about having weird dreams. "Doc, I keep having these bad dreams. One night I'm a wigwam, the next I'm a teepee, wigwam, teepee every night. Am I going crazy?"

The doctor replied, "No, you'll be just fine. You're just too tense."

 

Today’s Though

 

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this stuff before.