Friday's Funnies

The Most Important Discoveries

 

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

Treadmill

 

My friend hates to exercise, which means the treadmill in her bedroom barely gets used. Nevertheless, she swears by it.  "It really works," she told me. "I throw my jeans over it and they get smaller."

 

Appointment Calendar Warning

"Caution: Future dates are much closer than they appear."

 

Food For Thought

A man identifying himself as a Christian wrote a letter to the editor of the newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me I can't remember a single one of them. So I think I'm wasting my time ... and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all." This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher: "I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But for the life of me, I cannot recall what the menu was for a single one of those meals. I do know this: they all nourished me and gave me strength. If my wife had not given me those meals, I would be dead today." That pretty much ended the discussion.

Nevermind

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu, ignore it. It's just Spam.

What You Don’t Know Until You Have Kids

 

~ How many seconds it takes to microwave four fish slicks perfectly.

 

~ Who John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt is.

 

~ How to change a diaper in the dark, in a parked car, on a standing child, and all of the above simultaneously.

 

~ Which lines of "The Cat in the Hat" and "If I Ran the Circus" can be skipped over without a child noticing.

 

~ How bright a 3 a.m. full moon is.

 

~ The design marvels of hooded towels, Velcro-strap shoes, and mitten clips.

 

~ Locations of public restrooms all across town.

 

~ Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost blankie.

 

~ The fine art of vacuuming a floor with out hosing up a Barbie shoe or a Playmobil cannonball.

 

~ How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.

 

~ Almost every Disney lyric ever penned.

 

~ How to spell amoxicillin, let alone say it.

 

~ That reverse psychology really works.

 

~ Why they call them Happy Meals.

 

~ The blessedness of naps.

 

~ How much you can love one human being.

 

Generation Gap

 

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try to stop me!"  With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.  "Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try to stop me."  "Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

Good point!

 

Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Advice is like cooking - you should try it before you feed it to others.

 

Friday's Funnies

The Bus Trip

The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"  "No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.  The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the brakes, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."  "Is this Oriskany Falls?"  "YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"  "Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."

Wedding

 

A five-year-old boy was in church with his parents, witnessing the wedding of a family friend.  "Mommy," he whispered, "why does the lady wear white?"  His mother smiled and whispered back, "Because she is very happy to be getting married."  The little boy thought for a moment, then replied, "So why does the man wear black?"

 

Office Arithmetic

 

Smart boss + smart employee = profit.
Smart boss + dumb employee = production.
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion.
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime.

Actual Quotes from Medical Records

 

• "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better."
• "Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
• "The patient has no past history of suicides."
• "The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."
• "The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days."
• "She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December."
• "The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints."
• "The patient refused an autopsy."
   
  Birthday Surprise
  
  Little Johnny's mother was having difficulty gulping down the birthday cake he had made for her as a surprise. When she was finished, Little Johnny happily exclaimed, "I'm so glad you like it, Mommy. There should have been 32 candles on the cake, but they were all gone when I took it out of the oven."
  
  Whopper
  
  A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, the minister asked for a show of hands from those who read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
   
  Life Lessons
   
  Now that I'm older here's some of what I've discovered:
  1.            I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  2.            I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
  3.            Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
  4.            If all is not lost, then where is it?
  5.            It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.
  6.            I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
  7.            It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  8.            Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
  9.            The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
  10.         If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
  11.         It's not hard to meet expenses — they're everywhere.
  12.         The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  13.         These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter — I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after."
  14.         Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
   
  Milking It
   
  A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the doctor prescribed a milk bath." The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?" "Oh, no," she replied, "just up to my chin."
   
  Yes!
   
  Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around and gave her a high-five!
   
  Wake Up Call
   
  One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.  "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call." Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6!," I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"  "Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in this motel!"
   
  The Arrest
   
  A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
   
  Today’s Thought
   
  Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
   

Friday's Funnies

4^th of July

 

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."  One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, . . .  "I'm not  free. I'm four."

 

Top 12 Signs Your City Has Hired A Discount Fireworks Company

 

12. P.A. announcer keeps practicing the word "Incoming!!" over and over again

 

11. Company employees all have Frequent User punch cards from Red Cross

 

10. Their tech seen with "Light fuse, run away" reminder tattoos

 

9. They shoot bottle rockets out of used vuvuzelas

 

8. You see their reps at local drug store buying up all the burn cream

 

7. Advertised as world's first "Noise-less Fireworks Show!"

 

6. Old chimp in sailor uniform with a sparkler pretty much their salute to the troops

 

5. Local inmates seen assembling aerial rockets in the back

 

4. They have a guy making "boom!" noises in a mic

 

3. Their recycled Roman Candles shoot out car wash coupons

 

2. Aerial display nothing more than guy with confetti and big flashlight pointed at sky  

 

1. Local mortuary is primary sponsor

 

But The Sign Said...

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'

Country Music

Q: What do you get when you play country music backwards?

A: You get your dog back, you get your pickup back, you get your wife back.......

First Aid

A blonde lady had just completed a CPR course and was on the lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left a shopping center, she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people gathered around him. Screaming, "I know first aid!" she ran to the person, threw her bag down, loosened all his tight clothing, and got ready to start mouth-to-mouth. At this stage a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Do you mind? I am trying to arrest this man."

The Proposal

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked. Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink." Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition." "What is that?" Lisa asked. "You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.

The Cue

My nine-year-old nephew, Phillip, was a ring bearer in my wedding. At the wedding rehearsal, the singer asked when she should begin singing. The pastor answered, "After the vows." She asked: "What are the vows? I'll need a cue." Phillip shook his head and explained: "The vowels are A-E-I-O-U. There is no Q!"

Actual Warnings on Product Labels  

• On a blanket from Taiwan: "Not to be used as protection from a tornado."
• On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists: "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you."
• On a Taiwanese shampoo: "Use repeatedly for severe damage."
• On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink: "After opening, keep upright."
• On a New Zealand insect spray: "This product not tested on animals."
• In a US guide to setting up a new computer: "To avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening." (Sensible, but the instruction was inside the box.)
• In some countries on the bottom of Coke bottles: "Open other end."
• On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
• On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
• On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions. Use like regular soap."
• On a Superman Halloween Costume: "Warning: This costume will not enable your child to fly."

Today’s Thought

I tried to exercise, but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.