Because Seniors are now texting, here is the STC (Senior Texting Code)
ATD: At The Doctor's
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FMI: Found My Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
Life's not fair
Says one humorist: “Life is unfair. I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet — I found them and five more.”
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Clifton,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Clifton, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading to both the ladies and men's restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
14. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,
'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Don't want to go to school
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!” “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.” “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.” “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!” “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.” “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.” “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!”
21st-century
Forgetting an e-mail attachment is the 21st-century version of licking an envelope shut and then realizing you forgot to put the letter inside.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
Friday's Funnies
The Meaning Of Life
There was a woman who was a high school counselor and thus knew all the signs of emotional upheaval. One morning her preteen daughter showed up for breakfast, dragging her feet and rubbing her eyes. The young girl flopped down in her chair and told her mother she was sick of life. All of her mother's high school counselor alarms went off as she rushed around the breakfast bar, put an arm around her daughter, and began to explain to her why life is worth living. The daughter looked up at her with a confused look on her face and said, "Mom!?! I meant Life cereal."
Government Workers
Two guys were working for city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."
Trooper's Orders
Driving through Georgia on Interstate 75, I came upon a group of cars that were abnormally traveling exactly at the 55 m.p.h. speed limit. In the middle of the group was a state police cruiser that everyone was reluctant to pass. After several minutes the officer's voice rang out over his roof-mounted loudspeaker. "For heaven's sake, move!" he commanded. "I am a Tennessee trooper."
Singing At Sea?
There was a nice bathroom scale in our cruise ship's cabin. Since the sign in front of the fitness center claimed that the average cruiser gained seven to ten pounds during a cruise, I figured the scale was a way to help the cruiser avoid the weight gain. I stepped on the scale. It was ten pounds too low. I asked my wife to try it. She said that it was registering about ten pounds too low. The thing was apparently broken. The ship had excellent service and I was super impressed with the cabin steward. I didn't mention it to him, but he must have known that our scale was out of whack and not measuring correctly. When I stepped on the scale on the last day of the cruise, sure enough my weight was reading perfectly. Excellent cruise service!
36 Funny Places to Live Around the World
Would you live in a place called Accident or would you rather call your home Rest or Cool? Check out these real town names and choose your favorite spot to live.
Places you want to live
Cool, California
Beer, Devon, England
Disco, Tennessee
Fear Not, Pennsylvania
Wonkifong, Guinea
Places you may not want to live
Accident, Maryland
Arsenic Tubs, New Mexico
Dismal, Tennessee
Double Trouble, New Jersey
Moron, Mongolia
Satan's Kingdom, Vermont
Delicious places to see
Bead Loaf, Vermont
Hot Coffee, Mississippi
Clam, Virginia
Egg, Austria
Toast, North Carolina
Cute places
Cabbage Patch, California
Silly, Belgium
Sweet Lips, Tennessee
Polkadott, Ohio
Punkeydoodles Corners, Ontario, Canada
Places where the animals go
Bumble Bee, Arizona
Chicken, Alaska
Porcupine, South Dakota
Doghouse Junction, California
Scary places
Eek, Alaska
Frankenstein, Missouri
Hell, Michigan
Hurt, Virginia
Monster, Netherlands
River Styx, Ohio
Questionable places
Why, Arizona
Whynot, North Carolina
Who's Thought It, Texas
There was a woman who was a high school counselor and thus knew all the signs of emotional upheaval. One morning her preteen daughter showed up for breakfast, dragging her feet and rubbing her eyes. The young girl flopped down in her chair and told her mother she was sick of life. All of her mother's high school counselor alarms went off as she rushed around the breakfast bar, put an arm around her daughter, and began to explain to her why life is worth living. The daughter looked up at her with a confused look on her face and said, "Mom!?! I meant Life cereal."
Government Workers
Two guys were working for city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."
Trooper's Orders
Driving through Georgia on Interstate 75, I came upon a group of cars that were abnormally traveling exactly at the 55 m.p.h. speed limit. In the middle of the group was a state police cruiser that everyone was reluctant to pass. After several minutes the officer's voice rang out over his roof-mounted loudspeaker. "For heaven's sake, move!" he commanded. "I am a Tennessee trooper."
Singing At Sea?
There was a nice bathroom scale in our cruise ship's cabin. Since the sign in front of the fitness center claimed that the average cruiser gained seven to ten pounds during a cruise, I figured the scale was a way to help the cruiser avoid the weight gain. I stepped on the scale. It was ten pounds too low. I asked my wife to try it. She said that it was registering about ten pounds too low. The thing was apparently broken. The ship had excellent service and I was super impressed with the cabin steward. I didn't mention it to him, but he must have known that our scale was out of whack and not measuring correctly. When I stepped on the scale on the last day of the cruise, sure enough my weight was reading perfectly. Excellent cruise service!
36 Funny Places to Live Around the World
Would you live in a place called Accident or would you rather call your home Rest or Cool? Check out these real town names and choose your favorite spot to live.
Places you want to live
Cool, California
Beer, Devon, England
Disco, Tennessee
Fear Not, Pennsylvania
Wonkifong, Guinea
Places you may not want to live
Accident, Maryland
Arsenic Tubs, New Mexico
Dismal, Tennessee
Double Trouble, New Jersey
Moron, Mongolia
Satan's Kingdom, Vermont
Delicious places to see
Bead Loaf, Vermont
Hot Coffee, Mississippi
Clam, Virginia
Egg, Austria
Toast, North Carolina
Cute places
Cabbage Patch, California
Silly, Belgium
Sweet Lips, Tennessee
Polkadott, Ohio
Punkeydoodles Corners, Ontario, Canada
Places where the animals go
Bumble Bee, Arizona
Chicken, Alaska
Porcupine, South Dakota
Doghouse Junction, California
Scary places
Eek, Alaska
Frankenstein, Missouri
Hell, Michigan
Hurt, Virginia
Monster, Netherlands
River Styx, Ohio
Questionable places
Why, Arizona
Whynot, North Carolina
Who's Thought It, Texas
Friday, March 4, 2011
Friday's Funnies
Gift of Helps
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers." "Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said. "I can do my own praying."
Unanswered Prayer
The preacher's five-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." Pondering that response, she looked at him for a moment and then said, "How come He doesn't answer it?"
All Men and All Girls
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" She said, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men!'"
Another Lawyer Joke
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Old age quiz
Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they browse an antique store?
A: I remember these.
Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?
A: Try the bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If he’s handy with tools, he can finish the basement. Then when he’s finished, he’ll have a place to live.
Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?
A: The valet won’t forget where he parked your car.
Q: Is it a common problem for 60+ year olds to have trouble with memory storage?
A: No. Memory storage is not the problem. Memory retrieval is.
Q: Do people sleep more soundly as they get older?
A: Yes, but it’s usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should old people look for glasses?
A: On their forehead.
Disorders
If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.
Letter of Recommendation
While working with Mr. Smith, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Smith should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.
Regards, Branch Manager
A second note followed the report:
Mr. Smith was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my true assessment of him.
Regards, Branch Manager
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers." "Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said. "I can do my own praying."
Unanswered Prayer
The preacher's five-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." Pondering that response, she looked at him for a moment and then said, "How come He doesn't answer it?"
All Men and All Girls
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" She said, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men!'"
Another Lawyer Joke
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Old age quiz
Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they browse an antique store?
A: I remember these.
Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?
A: Try the bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If he’s handy with tools, he can finish the basement. Then when he’s finished, he’ll have a place to live.
Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?
A: The valet won’t forget where he parked your car.
Q: Is it a common problem for 60+ year olds to have trouble with memory storage?
A: No. Memory storage is not the problem. Memory retrieval is.
Q: Do people sleep more soundly as they get older?
A: Yes, but it’s usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should old people look for glasses?
A: On their forehead.
Disorders
If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.
Letter of Recommendation
While working with Mr. Smith, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Smith should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.
Regards, Branch Manager
A second note followed the report:
Mr. Smith was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my true assessment of him.
Regards, Branch Manager
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