"The pearly gates"
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years."
St.Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
+++++
"Sign language for the dentist"
You know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well, I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that you could use to express yourself without having to mumble.
Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered 1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the ceiling above the dentist chair.
It would give you something to read since procedures can be boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself. The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat yourself and could fix the problem right away.
1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.
2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit running down my neck.
3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today?
4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with that incredibly sharp tool.
5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.
6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you missed before I gag?
7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been mistaken.
8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.
9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break soon, I may bite you.
10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about myself or I will take that paper mask off your face.
+++++
NATURAL BORN
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, little Arnie raised his hand. "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be president?"
LOST IN CANADA
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.
Finally they came into a city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so they pulled up to the curb, and the lady rolled down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
CAR ADS, TRANSLATED
- Two tone paintwork - Original color and rust
- One careful owner - But the other nine were clumsy as anything
- 10,000 trouble-free miles - crashed in the last 20 feet
- Heated rear window - so you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter
- Very clean - only washed if and when it rains
- Lady owner - the glove box is full of half-used cosmetics
- Clean interior - all the rubbish is under the floormats
- Immobiliser - the gear shift comes off in your hand
- Anti-theft device - I can let you have a rottweiler cheap
- Drives beautifully - in a straight line; the steering is all over the place
- Low mileage - the odometer is on its third time around
- Full service history - Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week
- Economical - doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph
ENVIRONMENTALIST
My friend Julie and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Julie made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."
The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory”.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Funnies for 12/21/2007
SHOPPING EARLY
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" The prisoner looked up and explained, "Before the store opened."
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A SNOWMAN
- It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
- Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
- Wearing white is always appropriate.
- Winter is the best of the four seasons.
- It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
- There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
- The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
- We're all made up of mostly water.
- You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
- Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
- Avoid yellow snow.
- Don't get too much sun.
- It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
- It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
- Always put your best foot forward.
- There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
+++++
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us, Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic,
12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
+++++
During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish, the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent, impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill, they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else could hear and said, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
+++++
A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!"
The dentist said, "Well, that's probably it. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll have to make you a new one, and this time, I'll use chrome"
"Why chrome?" asked the patient.
"It's simple," said the dentist. "Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
+++++
Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
+++++
THE TRUTH
When Arnie assumed his first pastorate, he was eager to make sure the church's employees would like him. Consequently, he called them together shortly before Christmas Day and told them that each of them would receive a turkey. "In fact," he added, "as long as I'm around, you will always have a turkey."
+++++
YOU KNOW YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID WHEN...
- Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
- You have friends who have kids.
- You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
- Your parents' jokes are now funny.
- Naps are good.
- When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
- You WANT clothes for Christmas.
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" The prisoner looked up and explained, "Before the store opened."
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A SNOWMAN
- It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
- Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
- Wearing white is always appropriate.
- Winter is the best of the four seasons.
- It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
- There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
- The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
- We're all made up of mostly water.
- You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
- Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
- Avoid yellow snow.
- Don't get too much sun.
- It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
- It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
- Always put your best foot forward.
- There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
+++++
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us, Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic,
12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
+++++
During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish, the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent, impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill, they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else could hear and said, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
+++++
A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!"
The dentist said, "Well, that's probably it. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll have to make you a new one, and this time, I'll use chrome"
"Why chrome?" asked the patient.
"It's simple," said the dentist. "Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
+++++
Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
+++++
THE TRUTH
When Arnie assumed his first pastorate, he was eager to make sure the church's employees would like him. Consequently, he called them together shortly before Christmas Day and told them that each of them would receive a turkey. "In fact," he added, "as long as I'm around, you will always have a turkey."
+++++
YOU KNOW YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID WHEN...
- Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
- You have friends who have kids.
- You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
- Your parents' jokes are now funny.
- Naps are good.
- When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
- You WANT clothes for Christmas.
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