Friday's Funnies

I Have An Accent?
I told our pastor's wife that October was Pastor Appreciation Month. She said, "church pastor or Italian pasta?

The Census
An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling, young man?" he asked. "I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker." "A what?" the man asked. "A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States." "Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."

King Solomon's Pet Peeves
(From "Bible Humor Top Seven Lists" by Dave Veerman and Rich Anderson.)
7. Having people ask, "If you're so smart, why haven't you been on Jeopardy?"
6. Being asked the names of all his wives and children
5. Finding Christmas cards large enough for the names of everyone in his family
4. Signing Christmas cards
3. Being a tourist attraction (1 Kings 4:34)
2. Not being able to find the tune to "Song of Solomon"
1. Having all those mothers-in-law

The Haircut
(Story often adapted by Bill Gaither regarding the length of his concerts.)
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

Cafeteria Food
One outraged college student stomped up to the lunch line at the cafeteria, holding a plate with a piece of pie on it. "This is disgusting!" he exclaimed. "What kind of pie do you call this?!" The lunch lady calmly put down her ladle, looked him in the eye and snarled, "And just what does it taste like?" "It tastes like cardboard and rubber cement!" the student cried. Lunch Lady thinks a moment, then replies, "That must be the apple. The cherry pie tastes like stale crackers and soap."

Missing The Point
I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery. "Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."

The Plan
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"

You know you're growing old when...
• You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything. • The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car-in the "ten items or less" lane.
• You've stopped supporting your children and started supporting your parents.
• You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.
• You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
• You've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic ... "for the last time in a generation"
• Your short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, your short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Standard pricing procedure
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?' The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

Bad day at the office
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?” “It was terrible,” her husband said, “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.”

Dented bumper
Recently, my husband put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper. A few days later, he did it again. "I'm so embarrassed," he moaned, reaching for the phone. "Why not tell him it was me this time?" I suggested. "Maybe I will," he said while dialing. "It worked the last time."