Friday's Funnies

How Does That Work? 

Did you hear about the politician who promised that, if he was elected, he'd make certain that everybody would get an above average income?

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.  "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."  "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."  "No," said the director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Puns of the Day

What do you call a woman who can't stop buying romance novels? A heroine addict.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

Why is Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" such compulsive reading? Because it's hobbit-forming.

"Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on 'Destructive Pests.' A large number were present."

Just Saying

1. What did Adam say to Eve?  What's Eden you?

2. Do you need an ark?  Because I Noah guy!

3. What did Goliath say to David?  You rock!

4. How did Jacob keep track of his sons?  They were color coated.

Caterpillars

Child at dinner table: "Are caterpillars good to eat?"

Parent: "No. Why would you ask a question like that?"

Child: "Well, there was one in your salad, but it's gone now."

On the Other Hand

A grandma and her five-year-old grandson were taking a walk in the country just after the first heavy frost had dyed the foliage and given it a brilliantly colored, crazy quilt appearance. "Just think," the grandma marveled, gazing at a scarlet and gold-tinted hillside, "God painted all that." "Yes," the boy agreed, "and He even did it with His left hand." "What do you mean 'He did it with His left hand'?" she asked, somewhat puzzled by the remark. "Well," he replied reasonably, "at Sunday School, the teacher told us that Jesus is sitting on the right hand of God!"*

Indisputable Laws

• Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go to the bathroom.
• Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
• Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
• Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
• Variation Law - If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
• Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
• Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
• Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
• Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
• Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
• Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
• Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
• Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
• Law of Doctor Visits - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor. By the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Today’s Thought

At the rate things are changing, anyone nostalgic for the "good old days" is yearning for last week.

Friday's Funnies

First Anniversary

The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror. The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary. But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, "Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?"

Middle Age

Middle age is when...

• we can do just as much as ever, but would rather not.
• all you exercise is caution.
• you are sitting home on Saturday night and, when the telephone rings, you hope it isn't for you.
• you know there are three reasons indicating that you're there. The first is loss of memory and you can't remember the other two.
• you want to see how long your car will last instead of how fast it will go.
• work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
• your clothes no longer fit and it's you that needs the alterations.
• weight lifting consists of just standing up.
• you stop criticizing the older generation and start criticizing the younger one.

Thin walls

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.  Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.  "Give this to your husband," he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

To Tell the Truth

A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary. The couple married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -- fifty-thousand dollars! Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..." The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Borrowing

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back." With that, he responded, "Well, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."

Weighty Matter

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store. "Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked. "Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied. "What's it for?" asked the first boy. "I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."

New Math

Little boy to his friend: "I don't get it. My sister insists she has three brothers, but I'm in the same family and I only count two!"

New Understanding

During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at the university. "Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family." "No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When…

•           You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked

•           You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

•           You sleep with your eyes open

•           You have to watch videos in fast-forward

•           You lick your coffee pot clean

•           Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

•           The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

•           You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

•           You can jump-start your car without cables

•           You don't sweat, you percolate

Today’s Thought

Practice makes perfect! Sharpen your sleeping skills.

Friday's Funnies

Three Students

Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.

The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."

The English student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have a latte."

The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

Small Town Emergency

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"  "Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply.  "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it." 

Cousin Thomas

When Alexandra, my niece, was preparing for her first day of school, she confided in her mom that she was concerned about how her cousin Thomas's behavior in the classroom might reflect on her. "He burps and screams, he won't listen and he won't sit still," she lamented.  "Well, how did it go at school?" her mom asked her when she picked Alexandra up at the end of the day. "Did Thomas do anything to embarrass you?"  "Oh, no," Alexandra replied. "All the boys are like that!"

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.  The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.  "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "  "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"  "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"  The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."  The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Dumb kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.  "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over! "

Ode to Spell Checkers (read out loud)

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

Today’s Thought

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty mad that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.

Friday's Funnies

Evolving Resolutions

2012:  I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2013:  I will follow my new diet conscientiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2014:  I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2015:  I will work out 3 days a week.
2016:  I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

The Attitude of Prayer

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one. "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."

The New Friend

We had a power outage last week and my Facebook PC, my TV and games console shut down immediately. Because it was stormy, I couldn't go out to play golf or do much of anything else. So I talked to my husband for a few hours. He seems like a nice person.

Newlywed Grace

A recently married man was walking with his father one day and said:  "My new wife's cooking is so bad, we pray AFTER we eat!"

Three Stores

A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent. The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to rent the shop on the left.

The owner says, "Fine, what kind of shop do you have?" The guy says, "A men's wear shop." The owner tells him he gets free signage and asks what he wants on the sign. "Men's Wear," says the man.

A second guy comes along and wants to rent the right hand shop. When asked he says he wants "Men's Wear" on his sign. The owner tells him that the left hand shop will be the same. "No problem," says the man.

Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle shop. The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a men's wear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign. The guy replies: "Entrance."

You know you are old when…

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."  "Why not?" he asks.  She answers back, "Because I'm dead."  The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."  The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."  Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"  His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"

Quotes by Steven Wright

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Today’s Thought

I think senility is going to be a fairly smooth transition for me.

Friday's Funnies

New Year's Jokes and Quotes

·     What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year!

·     May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions. - Joey Adams

• My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's Resolution. - Unknown

• Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughn

• An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. - Bill Vaughan

• The first week of January, gyms and yoga classes everywhere are packed with people who made new years resolutions to tone up. It’s like sardines in there. Big sardines. But they’re all gone by February.
  - Anonymous

• A new years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
  - Anonymous

• Who has time to party on New Year's Eve? It takes me all evening to set my clocks ahead a year.
  - Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Scales Don't Lie

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."  "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

Why I Like Retirement!!!

Question 1: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question 2: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question 3: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question 4: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question 5: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question 6: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question 7: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question 8: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question 9: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question 10: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question 11: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question 12: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question 13: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

QUESTION 14: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

Lunch and Learn

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime. These seminars deal with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend. So, last week, this flier came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:

WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?

(Get your manager's permission before attending)

Today’s Thought

I received a universal remote control for Christmas and I thought to myself, "This changes everything."