Christmas Dinner Prayer
Lee, a seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the
Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.
Lee began his prayer, thanking God for his mommy, daddy, brothers, sister,
grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing,
the Christmas pudding, even the cranberry sauce. Then Lee paused, and everyone
waited ... and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up
at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won't
he know that I'm lying?"
Gift
After being away on business for a week before Christmas,
Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked
the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so
she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a
tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew agitated,
"What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real
cheap." So the clerk handed him a
mirror.
A New Perspective
Daniel, aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective
on the Christmas story. He had learned
all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus. Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his
parents, "I learned in Sunday school today all about the very first
Christmas. There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three guys on
camels had to deliver all the toys. And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big light in
the sky to find their way around."
Mistletoe
The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of
mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in center. Turning to the attendant,
he said, "Okay, I give up. Why is the mistletoe hanging there above the
luggage scale?" The attendant said, "So you can kiss your luggage
good-bye."
The Tree Hunt
Two kids ventured deep into the frozen woods searching for a
Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with
hungry wolves, one turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the
next tree I see. I don't care if it's decorated or not!"
Best Uses for Holiday Fruitcake
- Bury it in
the back yard for future archaeologists to discover.
- Give it to
your child for a science project.
- Hang on to it
to find out if there REALLY is more than one fruitcake that's making its
rounds every year!
- Use it to
hold up a broken table or chair leg.
- Mash several
of them down and use for mortar when building a log cabin.
- Use it as an
exercise stepping block for step aerobics.
- Donate to the
Road Kill Cafe for a wonderful dessert.
- Use them to
pave freeways. Just place them on the road and run a steamroller over
them.
- Use them as
fillers to repair the river levees. They last indefinitely and are so
dense, water can never penetrate them.
- Last and probably least - try eating it. That's one way to get rid of it!
Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is
longer than the shelf.
CHRISTMAS KNOCK-KNOCKS
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open till Christmas!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men
Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If,
when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can
claim that it's myrrh.
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what
you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special
time of year, is that you save the receipt.
Today’s Thought
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your
money or your feet.
