Friday's Funnies

SIGNS YOU OVERDID IT THIS THANKSGIVING

~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the recliner.

~ You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your email.

~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.

~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

~ You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.

~ That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

~ Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

~ You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty.

~ It looks like the left-overs are gonna last until Christmas.

~ Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.

Viewpoints

A Brit, a Frenchman, and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

How You Know It's Time to Buy a New Car

~ Your VIN is 0000000000000001.

~ You can no longer convince your girlfriend that view of the road through that hole in the floorboard will become a popular extra on new cars.

~ Your engine smokes so much the local health department recently tried to recruit you to help with mosquito abatement this summer.

~ When you go to the car wash more paint than dirt comes off.

~ Your tax adviser has suggested you could save money by purchasing your own tow truck.

~ You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

~ Your mechanic keeps asking, "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?"

~ While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.

~ Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning traffic jams.

~ It hasn't been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.

~ Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel.

~ Your gas gauge measures in minas.

Flight Delay

A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay just before they boarded. A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced: "We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we are having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."

Driving Advice

A long-haul trucker offered this tip for staying awake on the road: "Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window."

Did Noah Fish?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"  "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.

Unanswered Prayer

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

Being Thankful

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

Say a Prayer

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted.  "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

Retirement money

I’m planning to retire and live off my savings. What I’ll do the second day, I have no idea.

Ah, that makes sense...

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Friday's Funnies

Thanksgiving math

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi

12 Reasons to Be Thankful You Burnt the Bird

1. Salmonella won't be a concern.
2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.
6. No one will overeat.
7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.
8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.
10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

Exercise in Preparation for Thanksgiving

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

United States in RECESSION

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Hello?

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.  The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”  He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear … shhh!) I accidentally answered the iron.”  The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”  He says, “Well, then I had to call the doctor!”

My dad is better than...

Three boys were talking together about what their father’s did for a living.

Boy 1 began by saying that his Dad wrote a few words on a piece of paper, sent them away and received £20 for them and they called it a poem.

Boy 2, not to be outdone said that his Dad wrote a few pages of words, sent them away and received £100 and they called it a story.

Boy 3 was full of himself and said that his Dad wrote a couple of sides of words, read them out on Sunday morning, called it a sermon and it took 6 people to go round and collect all the money.

Ice Fishing

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Time Is Relative

A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do. "What you should do is go out and buy a late 70s or early 80s model Dodge pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to the meanest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house out in the sticks somewhere. The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

Age & Wisdom

"People may not be a great deal wiser after my sermon, but they are always a great deal older."

Health & Safety Test

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.   One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"  "Great big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

Out With the New

Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.

Friday's Funnies

Quiz

Can you answer all seven of the following questions with the same word? The answer is at the end of Friday’s Funnies.

1. The word has seven letters

2. Preceded God

3. Greater than God

4. More evil than the devil

5. All poor people have it

6. Wealthy people need it

7. If you eat it, you will die

The Golf Pro

About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at the airport and a fellow in line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?" I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies." There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?" "Yes," I admitted. "Consistently?" he queried admiringly. "Every hole."

Dust to Dust

A little boy asked the parish priest a question.

Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust.”

Parish priest, “That’s right I did say that”.

Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we die we go back to dust.”

Parish Priest: “That’s right, I did say that. I am glad you were listening so very well”.

Little Boy: “Well Father I think you should come to my place and look under my bed because someone is either coming or going”!

Knowing The Score

My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game. "You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?" "Five," answered the nephew. "Okay," my brother said, "let's go."

Comforting words

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.  A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”  He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry. I’m sure it will be all right.’”  “She was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”  “She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”

PARAPROSDOKIANS

Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

1. Never argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

4. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

11. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

12. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

16. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

17. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

18. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

Answer to earlier quiz:

The word “Nothing”

Friday's Funnies

Highest Number

Recently while we were eating lunch after church one Sunday, my youngest son asked me what the highest number I had ever counted up to was. I said I didn't know. Then I asked him how high he has counted. "5,372," came the prompt reply. "Oh," I said. "Why did you stop there?" His matter-of-fact reply: "The sermon was over."

Great Place

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas. After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man. "Say, is this really a healthy place?" "It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed." "That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?" "I was born here."

The Children of Israel

In Sunday School one morning little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time. "Mr. Johnson," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out. According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?" "Er, right." "And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Johnson. "So what's your question, Joey?" "What were all the grown-ups doing?"

HEALTH MESSAGE

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. It's the tortoise life for me!

Rainy Day Hanger

One rainy evening, a couple emerged from a restaurant only to find that they had locked the keys in the car. The husband insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.  The husband then ran to a department store a few blocks away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and they both climbed in.  As they sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, “Now if this ever happens again, I’ll have one.”

Milk and eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."  A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"  He replied, "They had eggs."

RULES OF THE AIR FOR PILOTS

~ Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

~ If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

~ It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

~ A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

~ There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

~ You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

~ Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

~ Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

~ The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

Educational toy

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. “Isn’t it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked the salesclerk.  “It’s designed to teach the child how to live in today’s world, madam,” the shop clerk replied. “Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.”