Friday's Funnies

Wedding Tears

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at my grandparents.  My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand.  That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.  After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.  "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still alive."

Two Airheads At A Gas Station

Airhead #1: "These prices are awful. They just keep going higher!"

Airhead #2: "It doesn't affect me at all; I always put in just $20 worth."

Fearless Captain

Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.  One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.  Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.  That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"  The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid."  All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.  As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders.  Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

Laughing Prayer

A good friend was waiting nearby while his young son prayed silently before going to bed. Suddenly the boy burst out laughing.  "Reggie!" scolded his father, "Why are you laughing during prayer?"  "But Dad," the boy answered, "you told me that prayer is talking to God as to a friend, and I just told him a joke."

Call The Pastor

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem.  That night the pastor's phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, "Pastor, I can't sleep."  "I’m so sorry to hear that," he comforted her.  "But what can I do about it?" the pastor said.  She sweetly replied, "Preach to me a while, pastor."

Cop Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"And if you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. Well, I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you ANOTHER ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

Occupation

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year. "He's a magician, ma'am" said Little Johnny. "How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "One half brother and two half sisters."

Hunters

Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.  The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"  The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."  The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."  So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.  While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up. "Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"  The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!!"   The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible...I had him chained to a transmission.”

Today’s Thought

Love thy neighbor - tune thy piano.

Friday's Funnies

Grandmother

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"  The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?"  The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."  The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."  After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."  The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."  The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"  The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

Ancient Pages

A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one. He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago. "Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out. "What do you have there?" his mother asked. With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Logic

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.  "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"  A girl raised her hand and asked, "To withdraw all his money from his savings account?"

Husbands and Wives

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."  She replied, " Yes, dear, but I was in love, and didn't notice."

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A lady placed an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."  The next day she received a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"  Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge, than to let her keep him.

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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "Don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"  Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was, until I got married ... and then it was too late."

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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire,"  "And what was he before you married him?", asked the friend.  The woman replied, "A billionaire."

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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life, thinking they had no faults at all.

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday, is to forget it once.

Offering

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.  When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

Avid Hunter

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.  Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"  Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"  Jake, though he has many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.  Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.  Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."  Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.  Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back.  As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"  Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!  Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.  The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your stinking deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

Creation

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally, she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"  "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."  "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"  "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."  Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Today’s Thought

Notice: Spelling mistakes are left in for people who need to correct others to make their life fulfilled.

Friday's Funnies

Funny Quotes

"A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change." --Jay Leno

"A high school in England is going to teach a class in Elvish - the language that is spoken in 'The Lord of The Rings'. Not surprisingly the Elvish language has no words for girl, date or kiss." --Conan O'Brien

"The man responsible for making popcorn a movie theater snack has passed away. His family was going to get him a regular casket, but then decided to get the extra-large one which was the better deal because it came with a medium Coke." --David Letterman

Dinosaur Bones

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"  The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."  "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"  The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Dry Cleaning

My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free newspapers for his customers.  As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers."  "Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled. "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."

Kids In Church

3-year-old Reese :  'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.Amen.'

A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.  His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, And I wanted to stay with you guys.'

One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.  The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'  Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan, you be Jesus !'

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.  'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

Cats & Teenagers

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers live as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

Today’s Thought

Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

Friday's Funnies

Airlines

A traveler got to the airline counter and presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage she asked, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."  The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."  "Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

A Tie

A man was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old woman sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.  The thirsty man asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"  The woman replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?

Here's one that goes nicely with your outfit."  The man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"  "Okay, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice person I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."  The dehydrated soul thanked the woman and walked away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.  Three hours later he returned crawling back to where the woman was still sitting behind her card table.  She said "I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"  The man rasped, "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

Broken Arm

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.   "Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.   "Yes," the girl replied.   "Did it hurt?"   "No."   "Really? Which bone did you break?"   "My sister's arm."  

Things to ponder

- Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

- Why do we feel blue? And what color does a smurf feel when they are down?

- What does OK actually mean?

- If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?

- Why are things typed up but written down?

- If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

- If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

- Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?

- In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

- Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're biscuits?

- If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50 mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?

Vocabulary

A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped theirs. One day he came home from school and said, "Mommy, may I relate to you a narrative?"  "What's a narrative, Gerald?" she asked.  “A narrative, Mommy, is a tale."  "Oh, I see," said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story. At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs he said, "Shall I extinguish the light Mommy?"  "What's extinguish?" she asked.

"Extinguish means to put out, Mommy," said brainy Gerald.  “Oh, I see. Yes, certainly."  The next day the clergyman came to tea and the family dog began to make a nuisance of himself, as a dog will, by begging for goodies from the table.  "Gerald," said his mother, trying to impress, "take that dog by the narrative and extinguish him!"

You Know You're In Trouble When

- Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
- Your suggestion box starts ticking.
- You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
- The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
- People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
- The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
- Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the District Attorney is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

A Message To Our Pets

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

Regards,

Your Owner

Today’s Thought

What do people in China call their good plates?