Friday's Funnies

After Christmas

Christmas was finally over and the pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy, am I ever tired." Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night and three today, and I gave a total of five sermons. Why are YOU so tired?" "Dear," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."

Q&A

Q: What do we have in December that we don't have in any other month?
     A: The letter "D"!
Q: What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
     A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Dream

Gina was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?"  "Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Max smiling broadly.  At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Gina and handed her a small package.  Delighted and excited she opened it quickly.   There in her hand rested a book entitled: "The Meaning of Dreams."

Wacky Warning Labels

A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."

A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to "Remove child before folding."

A prescription of sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns, "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

A snowblower warns, "Do not use snowthrower on roof."

A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."

A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."

An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame or sparks."

A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes."

A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner."

A household iron warns users "Never iron clothes while they are being worn."

A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping."

A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns, "Not intended for highway use."

A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place."

A bathroom heater says, "This product is not to be used in bathrooms."

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users, "May irritate eyes."

A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says, "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."

A popular manufactured fireplace log warns, "Caution - Risk of Fire."

DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.

New Year’s Resolutions

The first week of January, gyms and yoga classes everywhere are packed with people who made new years resolutions to tone up. It’s like sardines in there. Big sardines. But they’re all gone by February.

- Anonymous

My new years resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I'm gonna be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it.

- Greg Tamblyn

If you make a New Year’s resolution to eat a healthy diet, and you keep it, you won’t actually live longer, but it will seem longer.

- Greg Tamblyn

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

- Bill Vaughan

Deer readers, my gnu years resolution is to tell you a gazelleon times how much I caribou you! Sorry. Bad puns. Alpaca bag and leave.

- Greg Tamblyn

Wait a second, there's ANOTHER year? I have to do it all over again???

- Jake Vig

Today’s Thoughts

My new year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to Auld Lang Syne.

A new year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

Friday's Funnies

Ways to Annoy Your Roommate During Christmas

~ Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder.

~ Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.

~ Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the games.

~ Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (e.g., "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.")

~ Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..."

~ Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

~ Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"

~ Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."

Three Wishes

One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued.

"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

Bethlehem

A pastor asked his Bible class, "Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem?"  A student replied, "Because his mother was there."

Things that make you go hmmmmmm

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How can there be self-help 'groups'?

The Night Before Christmas in Texas

Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas you know, Way out on the prairie, without any snow.

Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue, A'dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you.

Not stockings but boots, at the foot of their beds, For this was Texas, What more need be said?

When all of a sudden from out the still night, There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright!

And I saw cross the prairie, like the shot from a gun, A loaded up buckboard, Come on at a run.

The driver was whistling and shouting with a will, The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

"Come on there Buck, Poncho, and Prince, to the right", There'll be plenty of travelin' for you-all tonight.

The driver in his Levis, and a shirt that was red, Had a 10-gallon Stetson on the top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight, With his beard so curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke, And both so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore, That neither could think of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws, He asked in a whisper "Are you really Santa Claus?"

"Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think? And he smiled as he gave his mysterious wink.

Then he left in his buckboard, and called back in a drawl, TO ALL CHILDREN OF TEXAS, MERRY CHRISTMAS YEE HAW!

Today’s Thought

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.

Friday's Funnies

After Thanksgiving Exercise Program

Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this holiday season. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM!

NOW SCROLL DOWN...

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NOW SCROLL UP...

That's enough for the first day. We trust you survived!!

You Know You Are Living in 2016 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have email addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

  

I'm So Tough

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were. "I'm so tough," said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week."  "Well," said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day."  "That's nothing," said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in a hour!"

Evidence

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.  "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."  The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."  The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

A Lot Of Good That Did!

I spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting my hair permed, cut and styled.  Relieved to be done, I went up to the receptionist to pay. "Good afternoon!" she said cheerfully. "And who's your appointment with today?"

Maitre D’

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, and two Africans all walk into a fine restaurant.  "I'm sorry," says the maitre d', after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai… "

Today’s Thought

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Friday's Funnies

Black Friday

A day Americans are willing to kill over materialistic things just a day after celebrating what they're already thankful for.

One day you're thankful for everything you have then the next day you're fighting over TVs & stuff on sale Black Friday.

Black Friday = The Day People Spend Money They Don't Have On Things They Don't Need.

It's Black Friday and the mall is packed with shoppers and Steve can't find his wife. Steve goes up to a very attractive woman and says 'Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The attractive woman replies "Why?" Steve replies "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materializes out of thin air."

A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES. The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.

What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common? They know what it's like to be jammed into a small place and stuffed!

How can you tell which one of your friends got a good Black Friday deal? Don't worry they'll let you know.

What flies faster than items off the rack on Black Friday? Credit card payment slips!

Why do Americans go shopping on Black Friday? They are thankful they survived Thanksgiving's feast.

Why do they call the day after Thanksgiving "Black Friday"? It matches the mood of all those unhappy bloated shoppers.

What I've Learned

During their 50th anniversary wedding celebration at a banquet in their honor, my dad was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long. My father stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused. "And?" someone cried out from the back of the room. "...and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!" my father exclaimed. The room erupted in laughter.

So That's How It Works

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to study this stuff?" "To save lives," the professor responded and continued with the lecture. A few minutes later the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

New Surgical Techniques

A family was on its way to the hospital where the 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride, the teenager and her parents talked about how the procedure would be performed. "Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?" Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a phone."

Truths

·         Some minds are like concrete — all mixed up and permanently set.

·         Some people are wise. Some are otherwise.

·         The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

·         The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road you put the stuff.

The Soup

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."
WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it."
WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"
WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it." Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"

Home Schooling

Q: How does a home schooler change a light bulb?

A: First, mom checks out three books at the library on electricity, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his life. Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles. Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five-dollar bill. On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five-dollar bill. Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed. And there is light.

Today’s Thought

If I can lose just 20 pounds, I'll be down to the weight I never thought I'd be up to.

Friday's Funnies

Say What?

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Eventually, the old girl passed away. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years." His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was 'your' Aunt Emma!"

Old Is...

• I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
• Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
• Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
• If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells remain forever.

Birthdaze

~ She's discovered the secret of perpetual youth...she lies about her age.

~ She's been pressing 30 so long, it's pleated.

~ When it comes to telling her age, she's shy........about 10 years shy.

~ She wouldn't try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his.

~ I've stopped exercising...pushing 50 is enough exercise for me.

He's so old....

..he knew the Big Dipper when it was just a drinking cup.

..he knew Baskin Robbins when he only had 2 flavors

..he just got a prospectus from an old-age home marked "Urgent"

Daffynitions

~ Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.

~ Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

~ Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

~ Lymph: To walk with a lisp.

~ Gargoyle: Olive-flavored mouthwash.

~ Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

~ Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.

~ Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

~ Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

~ Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

~ Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

~ Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

~ Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

~ Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

~ Impeccable: Having immunity to woodpeckers.

Driven to Distraction

I was driving to the office one morning, when I got a phone call from my boss. "You've been promoted" he said, and I was so surprised that I swerved.  A few minutes later, I got another call. "You've been given a raise." I was so excited that I swerved again.  Later I got a third call. "You've been made CEO." And I swerved again and ran into a tree.  As I was waiting there, I saw a policeman. "what happened?" he asked. "I careered off the road."

Seems Fair

A doctor calls his patient and says, "The check you gave me for my bill came back." The patient replied, "So did my arthritis!"

Today’s Thought

My wife and I have decided we don't want any children - if anybody else does we can drop them off tomorrows

Friday's Funnies

Witty Quotes About Elections

1. The problem with political jokes is they get elected. —Henry Cate, VII

2. I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. —Adlai Stevenson

3. Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. —Author Unknown

4. George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles. —Author Unknown

5. Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. —George Carlin

6. There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough US congressmen. —Author Unknown

7. We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice. —Woody Allen

Genie

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.  He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub to brush off the sand.  A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.  The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever.”  "Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life.”  "Okay, then, I want to die after Congress balances the budget and eliminates the debt.”  "You are a crafty little jerk," said the genie.

Public Servant

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.  The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.  "Sure," said the young student confidently. "It means 'carrying a child'."

What an Answer

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all since it is already built.

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Very large hands.

Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

Q: How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A: He sleeps at night.

Q: Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today?
A: Because he is dead.

Q: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A: It becomes wet.

Q: What often falls but never gets hurt?
A: Rain

Q: What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be ?
A: Tomorrow

Q: What looks like half an apple?
A: The other half.

Q: What gets wet with drying ?
A: A towel.

Q: What happened when wheel was invented?
A: It caused a revolution.

Q: Why does a bike rest on its leg?
A: Because it is too tired.

Aging

Three gentlemen were all born the same year and decided to go to lunch together to celebrate turning 50. They decided to go out to the local German restaurant because they had pretty waitresses.

The next time they decided to celebrate turning 60 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because the food was good.

The next time they decided to celebrate turning 70 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because it was handicapped accessible.

The next time they decided to celebrate turning 80 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because they had never been there before...

Today’s Thought

People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the first time around.

Friday's Funnies

You are probably…

If you can start the day without caffeine, if you are always cheerful, if you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, if you are understanding when your loved ones are too busy for you, if you never treat a rich friend better than a poor friend, if you face the world without lies and deceit, then you are probably the family dog!

Top Ten Signs You May Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough

10) The preacher announces the sermon is from Genesis . . .  and you check the table of contents.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60s.

8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.

7) Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.

6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.

5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: “Who gave you this stuff?”

3) You think the minor prophets worked in the quarries.

2) You keep falling for it every time when the pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.

1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: “Jonah, the Shepherd Boy, and His Ark of Many Colors.” 

Air-head

An air-head spies a letter lying on the doormat.  It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."  The air-head spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

Camouflage

A young soldier was up before his commanding officer for a reprimand.  After going through a list of his misdemeanors the CO says, "And another thing, I didn't see you in camouflage practice this morning."  "Thank you, Sir," the soldier replied.

Juggler

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a policeman.  "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.  "I juggle them in my act."  "Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it."   The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.  "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

Statistically Verifiable

Research shows that 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.

For All You Lexophiles (lovers of words) 

~ A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

~ What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

~ Time flies like an arrow -- Fruit flies like a banana.

~ A backward poet writes inverse.

~ In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

~ If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

~ With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

~ Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

~ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart. 

~ You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

~ He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

~ A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

~ A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

~ He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

~ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

~ When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

~ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

~ Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

~ Acupuncture is a jab well done.

~ Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Today’s Thought

If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound.

Friday's Funnies

Halloween Puns

Q: What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost when they got in their car?

A: Fasten your sheet belt.

Q: What do you say when you meet a 3 headed monster?

A: Hello. Hello. Hello.

Q: What do you get if you leave a pile of bones in the sun?

A: A Skele-tan.

Q: Who are some of the werewolves' cousins?

A: The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

Q: Why did the spider buy a car?

A: He wanted to take it for a spin.

Q: What do little ghosts drink?

A: Evaporated milk.

Q: What's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?

A: A terror wrist.

Payback

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the minister smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Things Kids Say

My three-year-old daughter exclaimed very loudly at a funeral, during the moment of silence, "WHAT's IN THE BOX?" Gotta love them!

When Sarah was in kindergarten, her school celebrated Drug Free week with a parade, local celebrity speakers, a rally and drug awareness activities throughout the week. When I picked her up from school after the parade, I asked her what she learned about drugs that day. Her response made me laugh out loud. She said, "Drugs are free at my school!" Needless to say, we had many conversations after that about the arrangement of the words!

"After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!"

AND...

At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead...As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"

Bold Thief

A man went camping in a state park. Before leaving his car to go hiking he left a note on the dashboard saying, "The stereo is broke."  He did this to deter thieves from breaking into his older model car. When returning from his hike the man noticed his car window was broken and the stereo was cut from the dashboard.  A note was left by the thief saying, "We'll fix it."

Second Opinion

A wife asks her husband, "Did you like supper?"  Trying to be polite, the husband says, "Yes."  "I was just wondering," she said, "because when I gave some to the cats they tried to bury it."

Quick Takes

• I don't think I got the job at Microsoft. They haven't responded to my telegram.
• I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.
• Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
• Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.

The Funeral

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer are gathered at a mutual friend's graveside to mourn his passing. 

The priest says to the others, "I think our good friend would have liked to take something with him to his next life." He pulls a $100 bill from his wallet and drops it on the casket.  The rabbi agrees, "That's a fine idea," and drops his own $100 bill on the casket.  The doctor, not to be outdone, does the same.  The lawyer murmurs, "What a wonderful thought," as he gazes down at their friend's casket. Whipping out his pen, he quickly writes a check for $400, drops it into the grave and takes the three $100 bills as change.

Vengeance

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

Today’s Thought

I once was writing on a piece of paper and wondering if the word I just wrote was spelled correctly. So I paused to see if a red squiggly line would appear underneath. It didn't.

Friday's Funnies

Turnabout

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera." He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.  "Yes, sir," the clerk replied.  "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Lunch Plans

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Ice Cream

A not-so-bright man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."  The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning.  We're out of chocolate," "In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl says.  "We have no chocolate."  "Then just give me some chocolate," he says.  Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"  The man says, "V-A-N."  "Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."  "OK.  S-T-R-A-W."  "Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."  The man hesitates.  Then he says.  "There is no stink in chocolate."  "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.

Punny

·         It started to rain and Noah said, "Now I herd everything." (The International Save the Pun Foundation)

·         The moonshiner artist excelled at "still" life. (Jumble)

·         A drunk was hanging on to a lamp post for support when an old lady walked by and asked, "Why don't you take a bus home?" The drunk replied, "My wife would never let me keep it!" (Carl Franklin)

·         Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it. (Myrrdins)

But The Sign Says...

One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on. Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles." Five miles farther on, there was another sign: "Ice 5 miles." The next one was, "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile. When we came to the last sign it was outside a small grocery, and it read, "Ice 75 cents."

Not Again

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb squarely on top of the meat. "Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "Don't bring my meal with your hand on my steak!" "What," says the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?"

Church Bulletinboard Signs

• "No God - No Peace? Know God - Know Peace."
• "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
• "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
• "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
• "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
• "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"
• "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
• "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
• "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

Smile of the day

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything -- it was, after all, the captain's parrot.  One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and another.  After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Real Faith

A grandfather was going by his little granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.  "What are you doing?" he asked her.  She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."

 Today’s Thought

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, a lot of folks must love their churches.

Friday's Funnies

Baseball Fanatic

My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic.  She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball.  I told her she's way off base.

Funny Book Authors

"Home Maintenance"....by Duane Pipe

"Growing up in the Balkans".....by Hugo Slavia

"Irish Winter Tales".....by Pete Moss

"Increase Your Brain Power"....by Sarah Bellum

"Looking Into the Wishing Well"....by Eileen Dover

"How to Write a Mystery Novel"....by Page Turner

"Winning Big".....by Jack Potts

"Vacation Spot in the Tropics"....by Sandy Beech

"I Always Enjoy the Darkness"....by Gladys Knight

Lawyer

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.   The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"  "How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"

Q&A

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?

A: Because he neverlands.

Name Game

Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a business-branded credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said. "Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

The Blind Date

Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all evening." "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack." So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly looks at him and shouts, "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Shorts

·         Everybody talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.

·         A jumper cable walks into a café. The waitress says, "Okay, I'll serve you, but don't try to start anything."

·         I'm not fat. I just too short for my weight.

·         Life is 10 percent what you make it and 90 percent how you take it.

Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR director asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"  The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."  Kathy said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"  The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" Kathy replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Punny Quotes

·         "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said dolefully.

·         "I dropped the toothpaste," Tom said, crestfallen.

·         "We don't need a home-run hitter," Tom said ruthlessly.

·         "I'll dig another ditch around the castle," Tom said remotely.

·         "I keep shocking myself," said Tom, revolted.

·         "My steering wheel won't turn," Tom said straightforwardly.

·         "I've lost a lot of weight," Tom expounded.

·         "I keep banging my head on things," Tom said bashfully.

·         "I'll have to telegraph him again," Tom said remorsefully.

·         "I can't get down from the mountain," Tom alleged.

·         "Let's play a C, E and G," said Tom's band, in accord.

·         "You call this a musical?" asked Les miserably.

Dirty Toothbrush

A small boy came running out of the bathroom in tears.  "What's the matter?" asked his father.

"I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet."  "Okay, don't worry, but we'd better throw it out."  So the father fished the toothbrush out of the toilet and put it in the garbage. When he returned, the boy was holding another toothbrush.  "Isn't that my toothbrush?" the father said.  "Yes," said the boy, "and we'd better throw this one out too, because it fell in the toilet four days ago." 

Today’s Thought

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? (I feel like I've forgotten this before…)

Friday's Funnies

Job

I asked a friend of mine by phone what he was doing. He told me he was working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment."   I was impressed.  In further conversation, I learned that he was "washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision."

Day Off

An employee comes into her manager’s office to ask for a day off from work.   The manager replied, "So you want a day off? Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be if you are going to take that day off!

Jay Leno Quotes

·         I was trying to find stuff to talk about today, it was a slow news day, so I found this. On this day in 1492, Columbus set sail from Europe, looking for a sea route to India - and ended up in America. And ironically, if you make a call from Europe to a company in America today - it's re-routed to India.

·         Thank you for coming out on such a hot day. Today was the first 100-degree day in L.A. I was sweating like a "Star Wars" fan trying to talk to a girl.

·         This new "Star Wars" is supposed to be quite good. It finally explains the transformation of how Anakin Skywalker went from being a young white boy to James Earl Jones.

·         Yesterday was "Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day." Which means today is "Stay Late At Work To Catch Up On All The Things You Couldn't Get Done Because Your Kid Was Bothering You In The Office Day."

·         Congress is now considering legislation that would require people to present four different forms of identification when they apply for a driver's license. Well that should speed up that line at the DMV.

Sick Call

The elderly woman had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the flu sent her to the hospital for observation.  By the time the doctor got her settled in her room, she had managed to complain about everything: The temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - especially, the mattress.  Suddenly, she spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.  "If you need anything in the middle of the night," said the doctor, "just press that button."  "What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.  "No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," he replied.  "A light in the hall?!" responded the woman. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

  

A Form Letter For Spam Email

Hello (insert a misspelling of the recipient's name here),

My name is (insert has-been celebrity's name here). I'm writing to you on behalf of (insert completely unheard-of worthy cause's name here).

If you click on (insert mysterious and suspicious link here) today, not only will you donate (insert insignificant amount of money in cents here) for each click, but you'll also receive (insert ridiculously-low new mortgage rate here) and (insert phenomenal body enhancement here)!

Not only that, you'll be eligible to win a brand new (insert hot, trendy electronic gadget here), a (insert next year here) model (insert insanely expensive car brand here)! Act now, we have only (insert very low but still appealing quantity here) left to give away!

Also, if you click on (insert even more mysterious and suspicious link here) within the next (insert amazingly-soon amount of time here), you'll be entered into our drawing for (insert relatively high, but still seemingly feasible quantity of money here)! That's right, by trying out a 30-day sample of (insert new, snazzy wonder-drug here), not only will you (insert miracle of health or well-being that couldn't possibly come from previously inserted drug here), but you'll help rescue (insert practically unbelievable quantity of a relatively small country's population here) from widespread (insert globally challenging, heart-tugging disease or living condition here).

This (insert candy-coated terminology for the word "spam" here) was brought to you by (insert name of also completely unheard-of company with the word "marketing" or some other legitimate-sounding term here). If you'd like to unsubscribe from future mailings, please write to (insert P.O. Box address from either a major metropolitan city in New England or a backwoods, one-stop-sign town in the middle of nowhere). You can also click (insert one final mysterious and suspicious link designed to quadruple your "future mailings" here) to unsubscribe.

Punny

Two antennas (antennae?) met on a roof.  They fell in love and got married.  The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a cafe.  The waitress says, "Okay, I'll serve you, but don't try to start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.  The barkeep says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A man walks into a diner with a slab of asphalt under his arm.  He says: "A Coke please, and one for the road."

Did you hear about the fellow who spilled root beer on his kitchen stove?  Now he has foam on the range.

Today’s Thought

If the paper clip were invented today it would probably have ten moving parts and five transistors, and require a service man three times a year.

Friday's Funnies

Decluttering

I tried that Japanese practice of decluttering. You hold something and if it doesn't bring you joy, you toss it. Hey it really works! So far I've thrown out a bunch of bills, my treadmill and a lot of vegetables!

Just Asking...

Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods than any of the others. Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes. A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?" There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

Finance

I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.  "You'll get $24," said the clerk.  "This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.  "I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course."

You Know It's Summer in Florida When...

·         Your car is overheating before you drive it.

·         Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the heated air in the balloon

·         Airplanes can't land because the asphalt runways are too soft.

·         The ducks in the park are designated "original recipe" and "extra crispy."

·         More hot water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.

·         The hotdogs sold outside the Home Depot are actually hot.

·         You cover the leather seats in the car with cloth or sit on towels.

·         It's noon in August, the kids are on summer vacation, and no one is moving on the streets.

·         You burn your hand opening the car door.

·         You notice the best parking place is determined by the shade under trees instead of the distance to the door.

·         All picnics feature hot food, like it or not.

·         The politicians have to take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves.

Engineer

My engineer husband is meticulous but mild-mannered. While our new house was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes or oversights. Two weeks before we were to move in, the floors still were not finished, the bathrooms were not tiled, and necessary fixtures were not installed.  I was sure that the work would never be completed in time. However, on moving day, we found that the house was ready to receive us.  Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished, I went and checked where my husband always left his notes for the workmen. Posted prominently on the living room wall was my husband's last note: "After September 15, all work will be supervised by five children."

Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.  The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"  The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."  “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Restless Natives

An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. "What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country. The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop." They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears. "Do as I do! Very important!" "Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist. "Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!"

The Leak

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired. Mr. Gable scowled, "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

The Prerequisite

I asked the children in the Sunday School class I taught, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was feeling pretty good about their level of spiritual understanding. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Mike's Blind Date

Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all evening."  "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."  So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:  "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Today’s Thought

When a clock gets hungry, it goes back four seconds.