Friday's Funnies

The Candy Game

1. Another planet in our solar system:

2. A famous street in New York City:

3. A part of the galaxy:

4. A series of small hills:

5. A nutty happiness:

6. Worker bees make this:

7. A town in Pennsylvania:

8. A famous English author:

9. A "Peanuts" character:

10. Sly laughter:

11. Twin letters:

12. An infant of a famous baseball player:

13. Absolutely nothing:

14. An endurance race:

15. Greasy digits:

16. A day employees are glad to see:

17. A famous trio:

18. A large orchestra:

19. Happy laughter:

20. A little overweight:

21. A thing-a-ma-jig:

22. Noise at a car wreck:

23. What a married couple does:

24. What good friends give:

25. Disintegrating celestial body:

26. Fox baby and common feline:

27. The Trinity:

Answers below...

Sleeping Issues

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help.  That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm!  He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.  "Boss", he said. "The pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"  "That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

Doctor’s reaction

Doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new hospital wing at the hospital. What was their reaction?

 The allergists voted to scratch it.

 The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

 The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

 The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

 The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.

 The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

 The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.

 The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"

 The pediatricians said, "Grow up."

 The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."

 The psychiatrists thought it was madness.

 The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

 The radiologists could see right through it.

 The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.

 The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

 The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.

 The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

 The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

Golf Friendless

"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend.  "Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?" Bob asked.  "Well, no," admitted the friend. 

"Neither will John," replied Bob.

Not So Bright Kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This kid is not so bright. Watch while I prove it to you."  The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"  The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.  "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"  Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"  The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

The Candy Game Answers

1. Another planet in our solar system: Mars 2. A famous street in New York City: 5th Avenue 3. A part of the galaxy: Milky Way 4. A series of small hills: Mounds 5. A nutty happiness: Almond Joy 6. Worker bees make this: Bit-O-Honey 7. A town in Pennsylvania: Hershey 8. A famous English author: O Henry 9. A "Peanuts" character: Peppermint Patty 10. Sly laughter: Snickers 11. Twin letters: M & M's 12. An infant of a famous baseball player: Baby Ruth 13. Absolutely nothing: Zero 14. An endurance race: Marathon 15. Greasy digits: Butterfinger 16. A day employees are glad to see: Payday 17. A famous trio: 3 Musketeers 18. A large orchestra: Symphony 19. Happy laughter: Chuckles 20. A little overweight: Chunkie 21. A thing-a-ma-jig: Watchamacallit 22. Noise at a car wreck: Crunch 23. What a married couple does: Kisses 24. What good friends give: Hugs 25. Disintegrating celestial body: Starburst 26. Fox baby and common feline: Kit Kat 27. The Trinity: Lifesavers

Today’s Thought

What is the biggest lie in the entire universe? "I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions."

Friday's Funnies

St. Patrick’s Day Groaners

"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."

"Oh, really?"

"No, O'Reilly!"

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

A: Real rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?

A: He's Dublin over with laughter.

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?

A: Sure, they're green with envy.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?

A: The Halfback of Notre Dame.

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?

A: Because they're very short-tempered.

Charity

Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much, and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate." He said to Paddy, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?" He said, "I would that, Father." The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbour next door?" Paddy said, "No." The priest said, "And why not?" He said, "I have two greyhounds."

Short Puns

What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A baseball team.

What is a sleeping child?
A kidnapper.

Why did the man put his car in the oven?
Because he wanted a hot rod.

If you cross a pig and a young goat, what do you get?
A dirty kid.

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for a bad summer.

What do you get if you cross a porcupine and a young goat?
A stuck-up kid.

A small boy swallowed some coins And was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

When is high finances mentioned in the Bible?
When Pharaoh's daughter took a little prophet from the bushes.

Headlines From The Year 2039

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2040.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Random Musings

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Today’s Thought

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Friday's Funnies

Stations

If a train station is where the train stops and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?

Gotcha

A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash. Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera. Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it, so he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. Again, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went. Four weeks later he received three traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

Only in Alabama

The first man married a woman from OHIO . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.   The second man married a woman from MICHIGAN . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.     The third man married a girl from ALABAMA . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

Blonde

A blonde goes into work one morning, crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.' The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to recover and rest.' 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically... 'What's so bad now? Are you gon’na be okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

Pregnancy FAQs

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: ‘Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?

A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?

A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after conception.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?

A: Pregnancy causes everything anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

Talented Dog

"Dad, I think the Smiths next door are angry at us." "Why is that?" "They're probably mad because our dog can retrieve the newspaper, and theirs can't." "How could you possibly know that? We don't even subscribe to the paper." "Yeah," the kid told his dad. "That's probably got something to do with it, too."

Today’s Thought

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants…

Friday's Funnies

Logic

Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.  I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal.

Point Of View

A guy was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open, he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open again and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was, "The drugs are wearing off!"  (P.S. - There's no word on his subsequent condition following the resultant "incident.")

Pie

In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office. When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to another guest. This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

Making Cents

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave. Eventually a little compact car pulled up, and two men got out. "This I've got to see," I thought. They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.

Cop Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"And if you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you ANOTHER ticket."

Top problems with working in a cubicle:

~ Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in an ACTUAL box all day long.

~ That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese.

~ The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

~ You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit.

The Fine Print

After being laid off, I papered the town with my resumé. Days passed and I hadn't received a single phone call, so I decided to take a closer look at the copies my husband had printed at his real estate office. I quickly realized he hadn't put blank paper in the machine. At the bottom of each copy, written in bold, was a common real estate disclaimer: "The information contained herein, while deemed to be accurate, is not guaranteed."

Short Takes

·        They say a dog can retrieve a ball from a mile away. That seems a bit far-fetched to me.

·        I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise. My boss asked, "What companies?" I told him, "Gas, water and electricity."

·        There will always be death and taxes. The difference is that death doesn't get worse every year.

10 Signs You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

Funny Book Titles

~ "Come on In!” by Doris Open
~ "The German Bank Robbery" by Hans Zupp
~ "I Hate the Sun" by Gladys Knight
~ "Prison Security" by Barb Dweyer
~ "Irish First Aid" by R. U. O'Kaye
~ "My Career As a Clown" by Abe Ozo
~ "I Didn't Do It!" by Ivan Alibi
~ "Why I Eat at McDonalds" by Tommy Ayk
~ "I Hit the Wall" by Isadore There
~ "The Bruce Lee Story" by Marsha Larts
~ "Rapunzel Rapunzel" by Harris Long
~ "Split Personalities" by Jacqueline Hyde

Today’s Thoughts

I got gas today for $1.49. Unfortunately, it was Taco Bell.