Friday's Funnies

A Message To Donald Trump From The Country Of The Netherlands

I’ve have never put a link into Friday’s Funnies.  And, I try to avoid political jokes as the receiving audience has wide views when it comes to politics.  However, this link is funny no matter what side of the wall fence you are on!  Enjoy:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-xxis7hDOE&t=41s

Refrigerator Goals

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.  I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."  A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."  Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."  Finally, my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."

The Optimist and the Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks.  If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up.  Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.   Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game.   The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.  That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.  "Why are you crying?" the father asked.  "Because my friends will be jealous, and I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimistic twin.  Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.  "What are you so happy about?" he asked.  To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Reality TV

I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding.  As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, "Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"

Healthy Eating

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.  When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.  As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."  Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.  The old man asked, "What are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."  Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."  With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.  The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Real Pearls?

Two older women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.  "My dear," said the first woman "Are those real pearls?"  "They are," replied the second woman.  "Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled the first woman.  The second responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth." 

Twin Beds

An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.  Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."  "Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.  Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."  Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him."

Ladies With Typewriters

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.

            

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM ... The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Today’s Thought

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

Friday's Funnies

Staff Meeting

Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four-thirty on Friday afternoons. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. "I will tell you why. I've learned that's the only time of the week when none of you wants to argue with me."

How Old Are You?

Little Johnny asked his Grandma how old she was.  Grandma answered, "39 and holding."  Johnny thought about that and then asked: "And how old would you be if you let go?

Geraniums

A guy bursts into a flower shop.  Guy (urgently): "I need two potted geraniums!"  Clerk: "Sorry, we don't have any potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"  Guy (sadly): "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

A Long Way Home

Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read, "Clean Restrooms Ahead."  Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

Actual Bloopers From Files At A Doctor's Office: 

~ When he stands he needs assistance to stay on his face.

~ She had been drinking but still couldn't drive.

~ He is a retired trunk driver.

~ Patient denies swallowing or chewing.

~ Parent died in old cage of unknown cause.

~ Patient has a headache. Says she had no head before.

~ The patient does not smoke alcohol.

~ She states she has GOK "God Only Knows."

~ Patient has no idea where her limbs are.

~ Patient is a retired forearm.

Fancy Bar

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Kiwi, a Canuck, an Eskimo, a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard, a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Pollack, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Indian, an Italian, a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African, a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean, an Argentinean, a Lithuanian, a Dane, a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Croat, and a Panamanian go to a fancy bar...  The bouncer says: "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai."

Unanswered Questions

I am getting older and I have so many unanswered questions...  I still haven't found out who let the dogs out...where's the beef...how to get to Sesame Street...why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same...how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop...why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton... Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors...I still don't understand why there is Braille on drive-up ATM's or why "abbreviated" is such a long word; or why is there a D in 'fridge' but not in refrigerator... Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons...Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections...And, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" - where's that extra penny going... Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune...Why did you just try to sing those two previous songs...And just what is Victoria's secret?...and what would you do for a Klondike bar - you know as soon as you bite into it, it falls apart...and why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Silent Monastery

The priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."  Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her, 'Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."  Sister Mary said, "Hard bed."   "I'm sorry to hear that," the priest said, "We will get you a better bed."  After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest: "You may say another two words, Sister Mary."  "Cold food," said Sister Mary, and the priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.  On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister Mary in to his office. "You may say two words today."  "I quit," said Sister Mary. "It's probably best," said the priest, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Chatting

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.  "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.  "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"  The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go." 

Today’s Thoughts

-          Managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

-          I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

-          I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

-          I got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

-          I used to work in the woods as a lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

-          I studied a long time to become a doctor, but didn't have any patience.

-          I tried to be a musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

-          I tried being a tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

-          I tried being a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme. 

Friday's Funnies

15 Exercises We’d Be Better Off Without In 2017...

~ Jumping on the bandwagon                    

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles                         

~ Pushing your luck

~ Spinning your wheels                                

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall       

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum                                            

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions                                             

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments                                           

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

Wearing Out

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were. "I'm so tough," said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week." "Well," said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day." "That's nothing," said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in an hour!"

Bar Regular

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.  The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."  The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."  The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.  The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.  One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."  The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.  "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."  "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Questionnaire

An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?"  He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."

Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. And you thought all they did was say Hello.

School

Jimmy's mother called out to him at seven in the morning, "Jimmy, get up! It's time for school." 

There was no answer. She called again, this time more loudly, "Jimmy get up! It's time for school." 

Once more there was no answer. Exasperated, she went to his room and shook him saying, "Jimmy, it's time to get ready for school."

He answered, "Mother, I'm not going to school. There are fifteen hundred kids at that school and every one of them hates me.  I'm not going to school."

"Get to school!" she replied sharply.

"But, Mother, all the teachers hate me, too.  I saw three of them talking the other day and one of them was pointing his finger at me. I know they all hate me, so I'm not going to school," Jimmy answered.

"Get to school NOW!" his mother demanded again.

"But, Mother, I don't understand. Why would you want to put me through all of that torture and suffering?" he protested.

"Jimmy, for two good reasons," she fired back.  "First, you're forty-two years old. Second, you're the principal."

Today’s Thought

My goal for 2017 is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013.