Friday's Funnies

 Merry Christmas!

 

One-liners

 

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

Why is it cold on Christmas? Because it's in Decembrrrrrrr!

How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico? Fleece Navidad.

Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting? They have too many needles.

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? Nice gnawing you!

What does the gingerbread man put on his bed? Cookie sheets!

What kind of photos do elves take? Elfies!

What do you call a blind reindeer? I have no eye deer.

What happens if you eat Christmas decorations? You get tinsel-itis.

What is a Christmas tree's favorite candy? Orna-mints!

 

Christmas Q&A

 

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.

Q: What do you call a Christmas wreath made with $100 bills? A: Aretha Franklins.

 

Drawing The Nativity

A little girl named Betty was asked to draw a picture of the Nativity along with the rest of her class. The drawings were sent home for the parents to adore and display on their refrigerators.  When Betty's mom glanced at the picture, she became rather confused when she saw an airplane drawn on the page.  She asked her daughter if this was the correct picture, the one of the Nativity.  "Of course Mommy, that's the flight into Egypt!"  "Who is this man?" her mom asked, pointing to one man in the front of the plane.  Betty answered "that's Pontius the Pilot!"  Her mom continued by asking "I see Joseph here, and Mary, but who is the really big guy in the back?"  With a sigh, her daughter said "Mommy, that's Round John Virgin!"

Christmas Short Jokes

 

·         This year instead of gifts, I'm giving everyone my opinion.

·         What cars do elves drive? Toyotas!

·         How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus' weight when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger!

·         How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life!

·         Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them!

·         Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered!

 

Smart Rednecks

 

"Hello, is this the FBI?"  "Yes. What do you want?""I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."  "Thank you very much for the call, sir."  The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.  They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.  They swore at Billy Bob and left.  The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.  "Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"  "Yeah!"  "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep."  "Merry Christmas Buddy!"

Cats' Favorite Christmas Songs

1. Up on the Mousetop
2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
3. Joy to the Curled
4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
5. The First Meow
6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
7. Silent Mice
8. Fluffy, the Snowman
9. Jingle Balls
10. Wreck the Halls

Weird

 

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

 

More Christmas Q & A

 

Alice: What do you get if you cross an iPad with a Christmas tree?

Johnny: I don't know. What?

Alice: A pineapple!

 

Phil: Where do snowmen keep their money?

Bill: Beats me.

Phil: In a snow bank.

 

Darth Vader: I know what you're getting for Christmas.

Luke: How do you know?

Darth Vader: I can feel your presents.

 

Josh: What does Jack Frost like best about school?

John: What?

Josh: Snow and tell.

 

Phil: What has a jolly laugh, brings you presents and scratches up your furniture?

Harold: Beats me. What?

Phil: Santa Claws.

 

Amanda: What's the difference between Santa's reindeer and a knight?

Robert: What?

Amanda: One slays the dragon, and the other's draggin' the sleigh.

 

Today’s Thought

 

What to my wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on my hips, thighs, and rear.

Friday's Funnies

 

Christmas Q&A

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it soots him.

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Snowman Seen

A snowman was seen at the carrot bin in the produce section of the local grocery. He was picking his nose.

Christmas Challenges

One door closes, another opens. One door closes, another opens. One door closes, another opens. -- Me, eating through a chocolate Advent Calendar.

Grandma's Strategy 

One Christmas, a mother decided she was no longer going to remind her kids to send thank you notes. Consequently, the kids' grandmother never received any thanks for the Christmas checks she sent to the kids. The very next Christmas, all the kids stopped by in person to thank their grandmother for their checks. When asked by a friend what caused this change in behavior, the grandmother replied, "Simple, this year I didn't sign the checks."

Find Your Christmas IQ Test

Each answer is a title from a famous Christmas song:

1. A dude made of Frozen Water named for Wendy's dessert drink (10 points)

2. Why Rudolph can't get insurance (10 points)

3. Globalizing dishwashing detergent (10 points)

4. He who doesn't talk at the Round Table (10 points)

5. Southern ladies in AARP (10 points)

Bonus: The song of septuplets (25 points)

=======================================

ANSWERS:

1. A dude made of Frozen Water named for Wendy's dessert drink: "Frosty the Snowman" (10 points)

2. Why Rudolph can't get insurance: "Grandma Got Runover By a Reindeer" (10 points)

3. Globalizing dishwashing detergent: "Joy to the World!" (10 points)

4. He who doesn't talk at the Round Table: "Silent Night (Knight!)" (10 points)

5. Southern ladies in AARP: "Silver Bells (Belles!)" (10 points)

BONUS: The song of septuplets: "What Child is this?" (25 points)

=======================================

TOTAL SCORE

75 points = Some would say you're a Christmas genius. Others would say you really need to get a life.

50 – 65 points = You probably cheated...but hey, way to go. You must really like "The Far Side"

30 – 40 points = Good job. Your Christmas I.Q. is way above average.

10 – 20 points = You're normal. Be grateful.

0 points = Thanks for playing. Try again next year...

Christmas Wish 

When a father asked his little boy what he wanted for Christmas, the boy replied, "A baby sister." As it turned out, the wife was pregnant, and delivered on Christmas Eve. On Christmas day she brought home a brand new baby sister for their son. The next year, when the father asked his little boy what he wanted for Christmas, the boy said, "If it wouldn't make mommy too uncomfortable, I'd like a pony."

Cats’ Favorite Christmas Songs

1. Up on the Mousetop

2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas

3. Joy to the Curled

4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus

5. The First Meow

6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful

7. Silent Mice

8. Fluffy, the Snowman

9. Jingle Balls

10. Wreck the Halls

Today’s Thought

Dear Santa, I can explain.

Friday's Funnies

 Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Plays

10. Away away away in a socially-distanced manger.

9. When the stable animals talked at midnight and it got, like, all political.

8. The shepherds forget to re-tweet the Angel's announcement.

7. It's a wonderful Zoom.

6. The Magi's Tik Tok mocking of Herod.

5. Hark the cardboard angels sing.

4. Live chat with Fred, the 'no filter' shepherd. 

3. The story of Willie, the emotional-support sheep.

2. Christmas unwrapped: Kids just play with the box for an hour.

1. Gold, Frankincense, and Dr. Fauci.

Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on her phone. "Where are you?” the wife said. "You know we have lots to do."  He replied, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I couldn't afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you?"  Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. “Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied.  "Well, I'm in the video game store next to that."

10^th Reindeer

"Why don't we ever hear about 'Olive,' the 10th reindeer?" asked Bert.  "What 10th reindeer?" asked Scott.  "You know. Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names." 

Diamond Ring

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.  After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."  "She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

 The Judge's Tie 

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC for analysis. Weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

The Christmas Play

A little boy, excited about his part in the Christmas play at school, came home and shouted, "I got a part in the Christmas play! I got a part in the Christmas play!" "What part did you get?" asked his mother excitedly. "I'm one of the three wise guys!"

Christmas Carols as Interpreted by Kids

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Holiday/Christmas Carols; here are some of the humorous lines she received:

·         Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

·         De three kings of porridge and tar

·         On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

·         Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

·         He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.

·         Noel, Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

·         With the jelly toast proclaim

·         Sleep in heavenly peas

·         In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

·         You'll go down in listerine

·         Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

·         O come, froggy faithful

Christmas Q&A

What's red and white and falls down the chimney?

Santa Klutz!

Why is it so cold at Christmas?
It's in Decembrrrrr.

What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Today’s Thought

Dear Santa, before I try to explain myself, how much do you already know?

Friday's Funnies

 

Pumpkin Pie

 

Our neighbors gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away.  Ever gracious and tactful, my wife sent the neighbors a note. It read: "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."

 

Love

 

The man's wife had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet he stayed by her bedside every single day.  One day, when she came to, she motioned him to come closer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. After my car accident, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"  "What dear?" he asked gently smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.  "I think you're bad luck."

 

Golden Years

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."  After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through.  This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.  At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!!! You could have killed us."  Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"

 

Expectant Fathers

 

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."  "What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"  The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."  "Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."  When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.  "Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"  At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong. He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"

 

Country Computer Technology

 

1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter.
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood.
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove.
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck.
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood.
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter.
8. Prompt - What the mail ain't in the winter.
9. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside.
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season.
11. Byte - What the black flies do.
12. Bit - What the black flies did.
13. Megabyte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season.
14. Chip - Munchies for TV.
15. Microchip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips.
18. Laptop - Where your drink spills when you pass out.
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds.
20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery.
21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box.
22. Mainframe - What holds the house up, hopefully.
23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes.
24. Web - What a spider makes.
25. Website - High corners of the ceiling and walls.
26. Cursor - Someone who swears.
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies.
28. Screen Saver - A repair kit for the torn window screen.
29. Home Page - A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the woods.
30. Upgrade - Steep hill.
31. Server - A waitress.
32. Mail Server - A male waitress (very few in these parts).
35. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff.
36. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry Patch.
37. Network - Mending holes in the fishing net.
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair method.
40. Online - A good sign that there'll be clean clothes next week.
41. Offline - The clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground.

Child's Play

 

A young mother was preparing breakfast for her two young sons--a five year-old and a three year-old. They were arguing over who would get the first pancake. The mother, trying to instill good morals in her sons, asked them to remember WWJD. She said that Jesus would say: "Let my brother have the first pancake."  The 5 yr-old quickly turned to the 3 yr-old and said, "You play Jesus."

 

Little Boy in Wedding

 

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he walked forward, he would repeatedly take two steps, cup his hands around his mouth and yells "ROAR!" He took turns facing the bride's side and the groom's side. Two steps, then "ROAR!"  As you can imagine, the crowd was laughing so hard, they were near tears. As he took his place at the front of the church, the groom leaned over and asked, "What are you doing?"  The little boy sniffed and seriously replied, "Why are they laughing at me? I'm the RING BEAR!"

Today’s Thought

 

The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.

Friday's Funnies (Happy Thanksgiving)

 

Thanksgiving Day!

 

Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.  Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."  "Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

 

Things To Do To Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner

 

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

 

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more

 

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the DVD when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the DVD and turn on the regular TV.

 

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

 

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

 

Signs You Overdid It This Thanksgiving

 

~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the recliner.

~ You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your email.

~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.

~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

~ You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.

~ Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

~ Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

 

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

 

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

 

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

 

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

 

You Might Be a Redneck This Thanksgiving If...

... you've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong table.

... Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

... you've ever reused a paper plate.

... you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

... you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

... your turkey platter is an old hubcap.

... your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

... your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

... your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

... side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

... you have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge’.

... the directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

... you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

... you have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

... your secret family recipe is illegal.

... you serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.

 

Q&A

 

Q: What's the difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool's Day?

A: On one you're thankful and on the other you're prankful!

 

Today’s Thought

 

If I were a turkey, I'd be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.

 

 

Friday's Funnies

 

Foreign Languages

 

A mother mouse and her daughter are suddenly attacked by a cat!  The mother mouse yells, "WOOF! ARF! WOOF!!" and the cat runs away.  "See?" says the mother to the daughter. "It's important to know a foreign language!"

 

Scale Reaction

 

When children come into the doctor's office where I work, it is my job to weigh and measure them.  After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened three-year-old on the scale, her mother said: "Honey, Mommy has a scale at home. Do like I do and stand on it."  Recognition dawned on the child's face and she confidently stepped on the scale, looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, darn!"

 

Therapist’s Reaction

 

I don't think the therapist is supposed to say “wow” that many times in your first session, but here we are.

 

New Father

 

The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.  "So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"

 

Wisdom

 

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, "I would like to withdraw $10."  The teller told her, "For withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM."  The old lady wanted to know why. The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, "These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you."  The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, "Please help me withdraw all the money I have."  The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned over, and respectfully told her, "You have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"  The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000.  "Well, please let me have $3000 now." The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her. The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.  The moral of this tale: Don't be difficult with old people, they've spent a lifetime learning the skills.

 

Heating Bill

 

My landlord texted me saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back: "Sure, my door is always open."

 

Art Gift

 

During Christmas time I was shopping in an arts and crafts store, where a friend of mine worked, for a gift for my niece. She had taken an interest in oil painting and I planned to purchase a beginner set of paints and brushes.  My friend was at the cash register when I was checking out. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and had started a diet in the meantime, having moderate success. She asked me if I had gotten thinner. I was thrilled that it showed already and replied that I had lost a few pounds.  She rolled her eyes and said, "I meant paint thinner."

Speeding

 

If you must speed on the highway, you may want to sing these as you do.

45 mph -– God Will Take Care of You

55 mph -– Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah

65 mph –- Nearer My God to Thee

75 mph -– Nearer, Still Nearer

85 mph -– This World Is Not My Home

95 mph –- Lord, I'm Coming Home

100 mph – Precious Memories

 

Real Church Signs

 

·         Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.

·         Under same management for over two thousand years.

·         Don't wait for the hearse to bring you to church.

·         Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!

·         Seven days without prayer makes one weak.

·         A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

·         Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

·         Christians, keep the faith. But not from others!

 

Jokes and Thoughts

 

·         Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "That can't be accurate."

·         Why do banks keep their doors and vaults wide open all day, yet chain their pens to the desk.

·         To do nothing for fear of making a mistake could be the greatest mistake that you make.

·         Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

·         The Bread of life never gets stale.

·         Live as though it were your last day on Earth. Some day you will be right!

 

 

Sunday School

 

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.  Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Tommy, what's the matter?"   Little Tommy responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

 

Today’s Thought

 

People think "icy" is the easiest word to spell... Come to think of it, I see why.

Friday's Funnies

 

Finding a Husband

 

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"  An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

 

Eye Doctor

 

A man went to his doctor and said, "Help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is getting worse."  The doctor asked the man to look out the window. "Tell me what you see," he said, pointing.  "I see the sun," the man replied.  The doctor turned to him and asked, "Just how much farther do you want to see?"

 

Adults

 

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

Conflict

 

There was a church where the preacher and the song leader were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service.  The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The song leader lead the song "I Shall not be Moved."  The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The song leader lead the song "Jesus Paid it All."  The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The song leader led the song "I Love to Tell the Story."  With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning.  The song leader lead the song "Oh Why Not Tonight?"  As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The song leader lead the song "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

 

ChildBirth

 

A mom and her children watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. One fascinated child asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"  "Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.  "Wow," said the kid. "Does it hurt the mother, too?"

 

Heartbreak

 

Me: Sobbing my heart out: "I can't see you anymore...I'm not going to let you hurt me again."

Gym Trainer: "It was one sit-up. You did just one sit-up."

 

The College Kids

One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student: "Why our son is so brilliant, every time we get an email from him we have to go dictionary.com." "You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get an email from our son in college, we have to go to the bank."

Goodbye Pastor

A retiring pastor was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said, "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense," said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really," said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each one has been worse than the last."

 

Today’s Education System

 

You know there's something wrong with the education system when only one of the "3 R's" starts with an "R" (Reading, WRiting, ARithmetic).

Football Explained

 

A dad decided to introduce and explain football to his 6-year-old son and took him to his first American football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, Dad asked his son how he liked the experience.  "It was okay, Daddy, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."  Dumbfounded, his dad asked, "What do you mean?"  "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' All that, Daddy, for only 25 cents?!?!" 

Things I Learned From Scooby Doo

 

1. If you are traveling down a scary road in the middle of swamp country, plan on your van breaking down.

 

2. It is impossible to overuse the word "Like."

 

3. Never, ever, ever trust a man who goes by the nickname "Old Man Jones"

and who manages an abandoned hotel or castle.

 

4. When in a hurry, dogs make great motorcycles...and water skis.

 

5. You can pull off some of the greatest scams with wire, bed sheets, and a hologram machine.

 

6. It's never a good idea to stop in an abandoned town for pizza - bad things happen.

 

7. Disco music and a submarine sandwich makes everything better.

 

8. Bad guys always hide behind paintings, so make sure you watch the eyes.

 

9. Whenever you need to split up, send the two most ignorant members of your party together - it's just plain fun.

 

Today’s Thought

I started with nothing, and I have most of it left.

Friday's Funnies

 Halloween Riddles

What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?

A robbery at the blood bank.

What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?

You hear the broom boom.

 

What do you use to repair a jack o' lantern?

A pumpkin patch.

 

Do witches stay home on weekends?

No. They go away for a spell.

 

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?

A bunch of boo-boos.

 

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?

A holy terror.

 

What goes "oob, oob!"

A ghost in reverse.

 

What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?

She got spaced out.

 

Why couldn't the mummy attend the meeting?

He was all tied up.

 

What do spooks call their navy?

The ghost guard.

 

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?

He was buttering up his teacher.

 

What is a ghost's favorite subject in high school?

Boo-ology of course!

 

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost when they got into the car?

"Don't forget to buckle your sheetbelt!"

 

What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?

"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back."

 

Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?

They would only let him be BAT boy!

 

Why didn't Dracula get married?

He never met a nice ghoul!

 

What is a ghost's favorite food?

Boo-loney sandwich.

 

What kind of dog does Dracula have?

A Bloodhound!

 

What kind of math did the monster student do best?

Scare root.

 

What should you say when you meet a ghost?

"How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"

 

What type of music do ghosts prefer?

Spirituals, of course.

 

Today's Math

Two friends drove by a gas station. The first one says, "These prices are awful. They just keep going higher!" The second replies, "It doesn't affect me at all. I always put in just $20 worth."

Manners

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. His response was, "Yes, sir!" Correcting him, she said, "You would say, 'yes, sir,' to a man. I am a lady, and you would say 'yes, ma'am,' to a lady." To quiz him on this lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?" "Yes, sir!" came the reply. "Then what would you say to Mama?" "Yes, ma'am!" he proudly answered. "Good job! Now, what would you say to Grandma?" He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

Eyewitnesses

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?" "Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

Time Out

Johnny:  "Why are you so upset, Mike?"
Mike:  "My sister said she wouldn't talk to me for two weeks."
Johnny:  "Why does that upset you?"
Mike:  "Today's the last day."

Today’s Thought

I was struggling to get my wife's attention. So I simply sat down and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

Friday's Funnies

Seniors

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it? "

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a drink."

-------------------------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said, “You've got a heart murmur; be careful!"

-------------------------

Exercise? I thought you said, "Extra fries."

Racetrack

After leaving the racetrack, Joe bumped into his old friend Jon on the bus.  "Say," Jon said, "How's it going?" "Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me, what's today's date?" "July seventh." "Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue." "Let me guess," Jon interrupted. "You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race." 

"Right." "And he won!" Jon sighed. "No. He came in seventh."

Do You Know The Answer?

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.

Q: When you look for something, why is it always in the last place you look? Because when you find it, you stop looking!

Q: A cowboy rode into town on Friday.  He stayed in town for three days and rode out on Friday.  How was that possible? Friday was the name of his horse.

Q: Railroad crossing, watch out of cars.  Can you spell that without any “r’s”? T-H-A-T

Q:  What has a face and two hands, but no arms or legs? A clock.

Q:  What has to be broken before you can use it? An egg.

Q:  Lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with its roots upward.  What is it? An icicle.

Q:  It starts out tall, but the longer it stands, the shorter it grows.  What is it? A candle.

Q:  What belongs to you but is used more by others? Your name.

Q:  What goes up and never comes down? Your age.

Q:  How can a man go 8 days without sleep? He only sleeps at night.

Q:  I’m full of keys but I can’t open any door.  What am I? A piano.

Q:  What has a thumb and four fingers but is not alive? A glove.

Q:  A man found an old coin and declared that the date on it was 150 B.C.  This could not be true.  Why? Because B.C. is counting backwards from the birth of Christ.  If Christ hadn’t been born yet, there were no dates in B.C. yet!

Q:  Which is heavier, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers? The same – a pound is a pound!

Q:  I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest man can’t hold me for more than 5 minutes.  What am I? Breath.

Q:  Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday? Yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Q:  Timmy’s mother had three children.  The first was named April, the next was named May.  What was the name of the third child? Timmy of course!

Q:  What kind of coat can only be put on when wet? A coat of paint.

Q:  What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, and never in one thousand years? The letter M.

Q:  What has three feet but cannot walk? A yardstick.

Q:  What runs, but never walks, often murmurs – never talks, has a bed but never sleeps, has a mouth but never eats? A river.

Q:  If you are running in a race and you pass the person in second place, what place are you in? Second place.

Q:  What gets sharper the more you use it? Your brain.

Q:  If I have it, I don’t share it.  If I share it, I don’t have it.  What is it? A secret.

Q:  What can you catch but not throw? A cold.

Q:  How many months have 28 days? All 12 months!

Q:  They come out at night without being called, and are lost in the day without being stolen.  What are they? Stars.

Q:  What is full of holes but can still hold water? A sponge.

Q: What word is spelled wrong in every dictionary? The word “wrong!”

Q: What is easy to get into, but hard to get out of? Trouble!

Q: The more you take away, the bigger this becomes. What is it? A hole!

Q: What word contains 26 letters, but only three syllables? Alphabet!

Q: A girl fell off a long staircase. She wasn’t hurt. Why? She fell off the bottom step.

Q: It follows you and copies your every move. But you can’t touch it or catch it.  What is it? Your shadow.

Q: What building has thousands of stories? The library!

Q: What has a neck but no head? A bottle!

Q: What invention allows you to look right through a wall? A window!

Q: What are two things you can NEVER eat for breakfast? Lunch and dinner!

Q: What goes up and down but never moves? The temperature!(Alternative answer – a flight of stairs!)

Q: The more you take, the more you leave behind? What are they? Footprints!

Q: If there are three cookies and you take away two, how many do you have? If you take two, then of course you have two!

Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has? Puppies!

Q: A man was walking in the middle of nowhere and it started to rain. He had no umbrella and no hat, but not a single hair on his head got wet. How can this be? The man was bald!

Q: Give me food, and I will live. Give me water, and I will die. What am I? Fire!

Q: First, I threw away the outside and cooked the inside. Then I ate the outside and threw away the inside. What did I eat? Corn on the cob!

Retiring Pastor

A retiring pastor was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said, "Your successor won't be as good as you."  "Nonsense," said the pastor, in a flattered tone.  "No, really," said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each one has been worse than the last."

Today’s Thought

Did you hear about the fellow who sat up all night wondering where the sun went at night? It finally dawned on him.

Friday's Funnies

Oblivious

A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two chairs provided for men outside the ladies fitting room in our local department store. After 30 minutes and 6 changes of outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the changing room one more time. He looked at her and immediately said, "That looks great on you! Get that one."  "Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."

Getting Older

-          Don't irritate old people. The older we get the less "Life in prison" is a deterrent.

-          I really don't mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

-          I miss the 90's when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

-          Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think "That can't be accurate."

-          I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

-          As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I'm  sure of....it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

-          I thought getting old would take longer.

-          Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

-          My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That's when the fight started.

-           Me: Sobbing my heart out, "I can't see you anymore.....I'm not going to let you hurt me again." Trainer: "It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up."

Excuses

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.  So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."  When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

Things We Wouldn’t Know Without Sunday School

~ With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers.

~ Prayer requests reveal a lot about parents.

~ A fire extinguisher is a handy device.

~ Cheap glue adheres to skin.

~ Kool Aid and song motions do not mix.

~ Grand pianos are not as durable as you might think.

~ Church maintenance people do not have a sense of humor.

~ Offering money always rolls to the other side of the room when dropped.

~ Ushers do not have a sense of humor.

~ Parachute games should not be used in a room with a chandelier.

~ Animal crackers can be sneezed out the nose.

~ There are good reasons why pastor's kids have a bad reputation.

~ Helium intoxication does not render respect in a staff meeting.

Diet Buddies

Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."

Fire Training

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table. The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked. Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit, "You got the right place."

Hymns For Seasoned Citizens

• The Old Rugged Face
• Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
• It is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
• Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
• Amazing Grace, Considering My Age
• Just a Slower Walk With Thee
• Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
• Go Tell It On The Mountain, But Speak Up
• Give Me That Old Timers' Religion
• Blessed Insurance
• Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked

Grandkids

While out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, I got a little wistful.  "In ten years," I began, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now."  Carolyn shrugged, "That's okay, because in ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."

Pastor Appreciation

A young boy called the pastor of a local church and asked him to come by to pray for his mother, who was very ill with the flu.  The pastor knew the family and was aware they were members of another church down the road. So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon at your church to come by to pray with your mom?"  The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever it is that Mom has."

Today’s Thought

Apparently RSVP'ing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.