Friday's Funnies

 Dieting Rules

1.  If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories; the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Anything consumed while standing over the kitchen sink has no calories.

Time To Call It Quits

The minister drove his ball into a very deep sand trap. He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn't say a word. Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word. He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word. Finally he muttered, "I'm going to have to give it up." "Golf?" asked the caddie. "No," he replied, "the ministry."

Lost

A hunting party is hopelessly lost. "I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!" one of the hunters angrily said to their confused leader. "I am," replied the guide. "But I think we're in Canada now."

Speeding Juggler

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for, boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me, boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"  The young man replied, "Well, sir, I'm a juggler."  The officer spat some tobacco juice and then said, "A juggler; well, you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"  The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his juggling ability while he held him at gunpoint.  Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden, Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee. When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on Route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

Difference Between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... they must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a god!

You're Not a Kid Anymore When... 

1. You're asleep but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.
4. The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion.
5. The pharmacy gives you a volume discount.
6. You are proud of your lawnmower.
7. 8 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in."
8. People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?"
9. Your high school diploma is the color of buttermilk.
10. Digestion is a consideration when reading a menu.
11. Nobody ever tells you to slow down.
12. You make everyone be quiet during weather bulletins.
13. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
14. You have to get a fire permit to light your birthday candles.
15. You're always asked to say the blessing.
16. Your ears are hairier than your head.
17. You've seen Halley's Comet ... twice.
18. Your idea of the perfect nightcap is Metamucil.

Dad Joke

The nurse came in and said "Doc, there's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him today."

Today’s Thought

What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.

Friday's Funnies

 Life Hack

You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed simply by forgetting your wife's birthday.

 

Electric Company

I received another letter from the electric company yesterday. It had "Final Notice" written on the envelope. Good. They won't be bothering me anymore.

Rules For Frequent Fliers

1.  No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

2.  If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3.  If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

4.  Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5.  If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. Or try to type on your laptop.

6.  If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just find the two largest passengers.

7.  Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the bathroom.

8.  The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9.  The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.


The Student Athlete

A scout for one of the leading colleges went to the office of the athletic director and announced, "Have I got an athlete for you! This guy can play every sport and excels at every position. He is absolutely the finest athlete I have ever seen play."  The athletic director was very impressed but had to ask the question, "But how is he scholastically?"  The scout replied, "He makes straight A's in every subject. However, I must tell you his B's are a little crooked."

Ready to Deploy

At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his whole series of injections, asked for a glass of water.  "What's the matter?" asked the hospital corpsman. "Do you feel light-headed?"  "No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

Audition

I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to become a member of the local Christmas choir. After the audition, I asked the director how I did. He said, "You sounded fine! I will have you sing a solo." "You mean...by myself right up front," I asked? "No," he said, "I mean you should sing so low that we can't hear you."

 

P.S.

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a postcard in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this postcard for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen." "Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy handwriting.'?"

Fishing

Fish bite twice a day ... before you get there and after you leave.

Texas

An author decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to the first church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."  Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.  The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Green Bay, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more of the same phone with the same sign and got the same answer from each pastor.  Then he arrived in his last state, Texas. Upon entering a church in Fort Worth, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. BUT this time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.  "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I've found this golden telephone and have been told it's a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God. But, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"  The pastor, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now. This is God's country and it's a local call."

Vacation

"Vacation" is when you get away from it all. Then you come back to find that "it all" is just waiting patiently on your desk.

 

Dad Joke

Did you hear about the new body wash from the people who make Head and Shoulders? They're calling it Knees and Toes.

Today’s Thought

I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

Friday's Funnies

 Show & Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion. The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David." The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mark. I'm a Catholic and this is the Crucifix." The third boy got in front of the class and said, " My name is Chad and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."

 

FOR DADS...

I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.

Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I've always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who's 6'4" to my 6' in height), why junk food is bad for you.

One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day.  They put a cot in the kitchen.

I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar.  From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.

 

Vaccinations

At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his whole series of injections, asked for a glass of water. "What's the matter?" asked the hospital corpsman. "Do you feel light-headed?" "No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

Groaners

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?

Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

 

Need an ark?   I Noah guy.

 

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, that I could do it with my eyes closed.

 

What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?  A Thesaurus.

 

You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

 

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

 

Don't spell "part" backwards. It's a trap.

 

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag is a big plus.

 

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

 

To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero.

Thanks for nothing!

 

Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

Dad: "No sun.”

 

A history degree is so useless there’s no future in it

 

I’m not a fan of elevator music it’s bad on so many levels

 

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded? You don’t know what you’re missing

 

The Guide

The Niagara Falls tour group crowded into the large elevator and as the elevator doors closed I turned to the group and introduced myself, "Hi, I'm Ellie, your guide. Generally we sing a song going down. What would you like to sing?" A gentleman suggested a familiar song and the entire group was soon belting it out. The doors opened and I stepped out leading the group. In moments I turned and smiled at the sightseers, "People, I'm not really your tour guide, but have a great day!" There followed three seconds of silence, then laughter and light applause. With the ice broken, and a shared sense of adventure we went to see the Falls.

 

Really?

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" I just say, "No, it's for company!"

 

Beethoven

When Beethoven passed away in 1827, he was buried in Vienna’s Central Cemetery. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too.  Most puzzling.” So, the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…” Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

 

Dad Joke

My wife complains I don’t buy her flowers. To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.

 

Today’s Thought

The older you get the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.

Friday's Funnies - New Year's

 Happy New Year

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

New Year's Jokes:

• Why should you raise your left leg before the ball drops at midnight? So you can start the New Year off on the right foot!
• What do you say to the person who didn’t show up to the New Year’s Eve party? I haven’t seen you since last year!
• Why is Times Square partying overrated on New Year’s? The organizers drop the ball every year. 
• Where do herbs celebrate New Year’s? Thyme’s Square.
• Did you hear about the guy who started making breakfast at 11:59 on Dec. 31? He wanted to make a New Year’s toast.
• What’s a dad’s favorite line on New Year’s Eve? I promise not to make any more bad jokes for the rest of the year!
• What did one ghost say to the other on New Year’s Eve? Happy Boo Year!
• Why was the jeweler at the New Year’s Eve party? To help ring in the new year.
• What did the little champagne bottle call the big bottle? Pop.
• Where should you go to practice math on New Year’s Eve? Times Square.
• What’s a high-definition camera’s New Year’s resolution? 1080p.
• What did one cow say to the other on New Year’s Eve? Happy Moo Year!
• What was the caterpillar’s New Year’s resolution? It wanted to turn over a new leaf. 
• What was the spider’s New Year’s resolution? Spend less time on the web. 
• What do corn celebrate on Dec. 31? New Ears Eve.
• Why shouldn’t you shoplift a 2023 calendar? You’ll get 12 months!
• What do cats say on Jan. 1? Happy Mew Year!
• What’s a couch potato’s New Year’s resolution? Cancel their gym membership from last year.
• What did Adam say to Eve on Dec. 31? It’s New Year’s, Eve. 
• What is Bill Nye’s real name? William New Year’s Eve. 
• Why is 6 afraid of 9 on New Year’s Eve? Because 9, 8, 7…
• Why didn’t Pluto throw Earth a birthday party on New Year’s Eve? He forgot to planet. 
• What New Year’s resolution should a basketball player never make? To travel more.
• Why should you sprinkle sugar on your pillow on New Year’s Eve? To start the year with sweet dreams.
• Why do birds fly south for New Year’s Eve? It’s too far to walk.

 

New Year's One-Liners:

• A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other
• My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions
• I remember 2022 like it was yesterday
• I already have a date for New Year’s Eve — Dec. 31. 
• 2022 was such a blur, I think my resolution was too low. 
• It’s officially New Year’s Eve, which means you have a few hours to do all the things you resolve not to do next year.
• My New Year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to “Auld Lang Syne.”
• May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions. 
• Childhood is when you’re allowed to stay up for midnight, adulthood is when you’re forced to. 
• New year? I just got used to this last one!

From USA Today

 

A Bad Dream?

 

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?" "Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited, she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book titled: "The Meaning of Dreams."

 

Today’s Thought

My new year's resolution is to read more.  So, I've permanently turned on the TV subtitles.