Friday's Funnies

Heart attack risk

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.

Game Rules

During a game, the coach asked one of his young players: "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes. "Do you understand that what matters is winning together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

The Finder's Free

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

Term Limits

All US politicians should be limited to two terms — one in office, one in prison. Illinois already does this, and it seems to be working for them.

Cross-examination

Sam, an 80 year-old man, was a witness in a burglary trial.  The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”  “Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”  “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”  “Yes,” replied Sam, “I know I saw him do it.”  “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?”  “I can see the moon. How far is that?”

IDIOT AWARDS FOR 2012!

Idiot Number One

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.  She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

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Idiot Number Two

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.  Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

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Idiot Number Three

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.   After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.  Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

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Idiot Number Four

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.  The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

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Idiot Number Five

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"   When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. 

Friday's Funnies

TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOUR INTERNET CONNECTION IS A LITTLE SLOW

1. Text on webpages display as Morse Code

2. Graphics arrive via FedEx

3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection

4. You post a message to your favorite Facebook group and it displays a week later

5. Your credit card expires while ordering from Amazon

6. ESPN website exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989

7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan"

8. Everyone you talk to on Skype sounds like Forrest Gump

9. You receive emails with stamps on them

10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

Job Interview

A company manager is reviewing Smith's application and notices that he has never worked in accounting before and has no qualifications in accounting. He says to Smith, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." "Well, Sir," replies Smith, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"

Another Interview

Q:  How do you know that Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar worked in a company personnel department?
A:  They conducted an extensive Job interview.
(See Job 2:11)

Fortunate

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, no matter who left you a fortune.

Murphy's Church Laws

1. If it wasn't for committee meetings, nothing would ever get done.
2. When the deacons talk about improving the church's spiritual life, they are never talking about their own.
3. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a fellowship activity involving food.
4. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.
5. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
6. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
7. A Youth Pastor with a clean desk has way too much free time.
8. The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong for at least a year.

Relieved

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.   When the mother got out of the car she said emphatically, "Thank you!"  "Anytime," her daughter replied with a smile.  As her mother headed for the church door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

Golf again?

“You’re going out to play golf again?” his wife complained.  “I’m only doing it under doctor’s orders” replied her husband.  “Do I look stupid to you?” she screamed.  “But it’s true,” he said, walking out the door. “He specifically told me I should get some iron every day.”

No frills airline

You’ll Know It’s a No-Frills Airline If:

-        They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.

-        All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

-        Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

-        You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

-        Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

-        The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

-        When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

-        The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

-        You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, “Just once.”

-        No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

-        You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.

-        All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Not so Helpful

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.  After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”  “A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”  “Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”

Relaxing Location

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.  Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

Aging

Shot my first turkey yesterday - scared everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome! Gettin' old is so much fun...

Friday's Funnies

Get Up!

About 8 o'clock one cold February morning, the young man was still in bed, sound asleep. His mother came into the room. "Son, it's time to get up. You gotta get ready for church," she implored. "I'm too tired. Leave me alone," he said. "Son, you gotta get up and get ready for church." "I'm not going to church. It's no fun! I don't want to go," he protested. "Son, you gotta get up and get ready for church." "The people stare at me! They talk about me behind my back! I don't wanna go to church," he protested. "Son, you gotta get up and get ready for church." "I'm not going to church. Give me one good reason why I have to go to church," he protested. "I'll give you three good reasons: One —- it's Sunday. Two — I'm your mother, and you'll do as I say! Three — you're the pastor — it's your job!"

Actual Requests to Landlords

• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
• This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
• I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
• Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
• Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.  

With Our Compliments

Judge: "I'm going to put you in prison."
Man: "What's the charge?"
Judge: "No charge - everything's free!"

The Dating Service

A young lady signed up on an Internet dating service. She got to the section of the application that asked, "What exactly are you looking for?"  This was her description: "He needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." In a matter of moments, the results were returned to the woman: "Buy a television."

Church Laws

~ If it wasn't for committee meetings, nothing would ever get done.

~ When the deacons talk about improving the church's spiritual life, they are never talking about their own.

~ In a committee meeting, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

~ It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

~ Keep the deacon chairman's wife off his back and you will succeed as a pastor.

~ Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a fellowship activity involving food.

~ If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

~ When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

~ Following the rules will not get the job done.

~ Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

~  A Youth Pastor with a clean desk has way too much free time.

~ When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Batman handle this?"

~ The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong for at least a year.

Wine, Whisky?

On the last day of school before the Christmas break, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a beautiful basket of assorted fruit.

 The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a huge, pretty box of asst. candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

New Technology

I finally convinced my mother that it was a good idea for her to learn to text. Her first message to me? “Whereisthespacebar?”

At the clothing store

A man was sitting next to me in one of the two “husband chairs” in a ladies’ clothing store.  After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow’s wife came out of the changing room again.  He looked at her and immediately said: “That looks good on you. Get that one.”  “Honey,” she replied, “this is what I was wearing when we came in.”