Friday's Funnies

 Happy Father’s Day

 

Things Dad Will Never Say

 

10. Well, how about that! I'm lost. Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

 

9. You know, Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

 

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain negative attitude. I like that!

 

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. Go crazy!

 

6. What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

 

5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.

 

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies. You know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

 

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now, quit your belly aching and let's go to the mall.

 

2. What do you want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

 

1. Father's Day? Ah, don't worry about that. It's no big deal!

 

Natchitoches

 

Two friends were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town.  Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the guys said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."  The cashier leaned over the counter and said, "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg."

Best Month To Study

 

Teacher: "Which is the best month to study?"
Student: "Octembruary."
Teacher: "Don't be silly. There's no month like that."
Student: "Exactly..."

Doctor Visit

 

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asked.  "135," I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.  The nurse asked, "Your height?"  "5 foot 6," I said.  The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.  "Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

 

Neighbors

 

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."  "Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.  "Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."  "In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

Food Math

 

Teacher: If you have 10 muffins and your friend takes 2 of them, how many muffins would you have left?

Me: 10

Teacher: Okay, let me try again. You have 10 muffins. What if your friend takes 2 of your muffins, how many would you have left?

Me: Still 10 muffins... and 1 injured friend.

 

IRS Audits Grandpa

 

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.  The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."  "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"  The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."  Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."  The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."  Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.  The auditor's jaw drops.  Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."  Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.  Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.  The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.  "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, throw that full glass of water into the wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."  The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.  Grandpa stands on the desk and takes careful aim, but when he throws the glass, water covers the man's desk, jacket, briefcase, and everything around it.  The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.  But Grandpa's own attorney starts crying and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks.  "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and throw water all over your office and that you'd be happy about it!"

 

Dad Joke

 

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk, and the result was staggering.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Shout out to the person who created the word "plethora." It means a lot.

Friday's Funnies

 

Bilingual

 

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of ignorant.

 

Famous

 

"We don't have many celebrities in my family, but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

 

Groaner

 

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

 

Less Calories

 

A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthful items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies. The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, "This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual." "Why is that?" the mother asked. "We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied.

Top 10 - Best Remarks by Golf Caddies

 

#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Sunday School

 

A young boy came to Sunday school late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied that he was going to go fishing, but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, "Yes, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

 

Father / Son

 

Father: Look at all these bills! Taxes, rent, telephone, clothes, food. The cost of living is going up everywhere. I'd be happy if just one thing went down.

 

Little Johnny: Dad, here's my report card.

New Chandelier

 

The new vicar at a city center church was delighted when he received an anonymous gift. When he told the church council about it, he proposed it should be used to buy a new chandelier for the body of the church.

However, it was put to a vote and the vicar was disappointed when his proposal was narrowly defeated. The vicar noted that the church council secretary had voted against the proposal and when the meeting was over, he asked the secretary why he had not supported it.

The secretary said he had three reasons: "First, I have to write the minutes of the meeting and I can't spell the word; second, there is sure to be an argument over who should play it; and finally, if we are going to spend money in the Church what we really need is some good lighting."

 

Today’s Thought

 

My spouse says I have 2 faults. I don't listen and...something else.