Friday's Funnies

How Respectful

Two men were playing a round of golf one day. Just as they were about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession went by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Clyde, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off. "Gee Clyde, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend said. "Well," Clyde replied, "I was married to her for the last 30 years. It was the least that I could do."

Say What?

• I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
• Went to the Air and Space Museum, but there was nothing there.
• Hold the door open for a clown. It's a nice jester.
• I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes now.
• The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
• I child-proofed my house, but the kids still get in.
• Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.
• If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
• The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.  (Or God's grace.)

Sermons & Grass

"Nature is a gift from God and every blade of grass is a sermon," a preacher told his summertime congregation. The next day, the minister was mowing his lawn when a member of the church who had heard the blade of grass illustration came along. The parishioner stood and watched his pastor mow for a while. Then, nodding his head in approval, he said, "Way to go, Pastor, cut 'em short."

The Teen

A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13-year-old son." "He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "Didn't you say he was 13?"

Honeymoon's Over

The day after a young couple had returned from their honeymoon, the bride called her mother in a panic. "What's the matter, dear? Was the honeymoon dreadful?" "No, but oh, Mama! As soon as we got home, he started using the most horrible language! Horrible four-letter words!" "Darling, shhhh," said her mother. "Calm down and tell me what he said that was so awful." "Oh, Mama, it's so embarrassing," cried the still sobbing bride. "He said words like 'cook,' 'iron,' 'wash' and 'dust!'"

Age-Adjusted Classic Pop Hits

• Herman's Hermits — Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
• The Bee Gees — How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
• Bobby Darin — Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
• Roberta Flack — The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
• Johnny Nash — I Can't See Clearly Now
• Marvin Gaye — Heard it Through the Grape Nuts
• Leo Sayer — You Make Me Feel Like Napping
• Tony Orlando — Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
• Helen Reddy — I am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Field Trip?

A junior-high student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly. One morning at breakfast she mentioned, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon." Her little brother piped up: "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"

Bumper Stickers

• It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
• This is not an abandoned vehicle.
• It's as bad as you think and, yes, they are out to get you.
• I is a college student.
• The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
• I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
• If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
• No radio. Already stolen.
• If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
• Car will explode upon impact
• CAUTION : Driver Singing

Right On Time

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way with just a warning.

Mistakes

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less than the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?" Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake — but not two in a row!"

Today’s Though

Experience: The name people give to their mistakes.

Friday's Funnies

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

Oops

My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

Anniversary Wisdom

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no I in the word marriage." The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

Oldies

1. Herman's Hermits-- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

2. The Bee Gees-- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

4. Ringo Starr-- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

5. Roberta Flack-- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now

7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

9. Marvin Gaye -- Heard it Through the Grape Nuts

10. Procol Harem -- A White Shade of Hair

11. Leo Sayer-- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

12. The Temptations-- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

13. Abba-- Denture Queen

14. Tony Orlando-- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

15. Helen Reddy-- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore

16. Willie Nelson-- On the Throne Again

17. Leslie Gore-- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To

Just Like Dad

Ten-year-old Bobby was having a conversation with his grandmother while eating breakfast:
Bobby:  Nanna, I'm a fat old man.
Grandma:  Bobby! What did you say?
Bobby:  I'm a fat old man.
Grandma:  Now, Bobby, why would you say something like that?
Bobby:  Well, everybody says I look just like my daddy.

You Know You're From The Far North When...

You know the four seasons - winter, still winter, not winter and almost winter

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car

Driving in winter is better, because all the potholes get filled with snow

You feel warm and toasty at minus 26

You find minus 40 a mite chilly

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer

Your dog wears boots too

If you don't go out for lunch you miss the sunrise and sunset

There is a sign outside of McDonalds: "Park dog teams in back"

If the school district had snow days, no one would ever have to go to school

You think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday

Today’s Thoughts

-          If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

-          Anybody who's busy pulling on the oars doesn't have time to rock the boat.

-          Ban sliced cheese. Make America grate again.

-          It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

-          If absence makes the heart grow fonder, a lot of folks must really love their churches. 

Friday's Funnies

St. Patrick’s Day

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?

A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?

A: St. O'Claus!

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?

A: Sure, they're green with envy!

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?

A: The Halfback of Notre Dame!

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?

A: Because they're very short-tempered!

"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."

"Oh, really?"

"No, O'Reilly!"

Seenagers

I just discovered my age group! I am a "Seenager" (senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50-60 years later.

·         I don't have to go to school or work

·         I get an allowance every month.

·         I have my own pad.

·         I don't have a curfew.

·         I have a driver's license and my own car.

·         And I don't have acne.

More Notes Found On Hospital Charts

-          She is numb from her toes down.

-          While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. {This probably was not far from the truth!! Those gowns are probably put under the classification of 'x-rated!!!!}

-          Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

-          Patient was alert and unresponsive.

-          She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

-          I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

-          Skin: somewhat pale but present.

-          Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

-          Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Friends

When I was little I had imaginary friends and I used to play with them all the time. Actually, they were real people. I just imagined they were my friends.

Brakes

Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls...

John: "What happened this time?"

Jill: "My brakes went out.  Can you come get me?"

John: "Where are you?"

Jill: "I'm in the drugstore."

John: "And where's the car?"

Jill: "It's in here with me."

Please Be Quiet

After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.  About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" It worked.

With a kiss

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl asked, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"  "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.  "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."  With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out & wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.  The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man who was standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Today’s Thought

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV to one of nine channels.

Friday's Funnies

Aging

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"  Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."  "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"  "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Texas

A Texan was visiting an old friend in Oklahoma, and as they drove around the Okie’s farm, the Okie said “Over there’s my cows” and the Texan responded with dramatic surprise “Those are cows?!? Friend, down in Texas, our cows are twice that size with horn-spans as wide as a truck!”. Moving on down the road, they got out of the truck near a garden plot, and the Okie said, “This here’s my melon patch.” to which the Texan responded “Melons?!? Why those are the size of Texas tomatoes and our melons are 4 times the size of your Okie melons.” Getting a little annoyed, the Okie looked down and saw a snapping turtle crossing the path and said to the Texan, “Watch out for that tick behind you!”

It's a What?

We took the kids to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. When I returned, I found my 10-year-old granddaughter Kaitlyn staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. Kaitlyn looked puzzled. "She doesn't know who Superman is?" I whispered to Jenny. "Worse," Jenny replied. "She doesn't know what a phone booth is."

Astronomy Quiz

A junior-high student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly.  One morning at breakfast she mentioned, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon."  Her little brother piped up: "Are you gonna let her go, Mom??"

In Other Words...

Two trucks, loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus, collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to news accounts. Witnesses were stunned, astonished, startled, aghast, astounded, taken aback, stupefied...

In So Many Words

Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships just don't work out.

When my friends told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle-free and 3 sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do the second week.

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Computer History

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. Surprise, surprise. It was an Apple. But with extremely limited memory — just 1 byte. Then everything crashed.

Signs You Are Broke

~ American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

~ Your idea of a 4-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

~ You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

~ You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

~ You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

~ Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

~ You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

~ You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

~ You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.

~ McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

The Choir

While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison choir would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.  The next evening, I was puzzled when members of the church approached the stage.  Then the pastor introduced them.  "This is our prison choir," he said, "behind a few bars and always looking for the key."

Today’s Thought

I love being over 70.  I learn something new every day and forget five others.

Friday's Funnies

London Building

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.  The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"  Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.  "Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"  As they passed Westminister Abbey the cab driver was silent.  "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.  The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

Computer

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise, surprise.

It was an Apple.

But with extremely limited memory.

Just 1 byte.

Then everything crashed.

Money Talks

A one-dollar bill met a 20-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."  The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"  The one-dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

The Cost of Snoring

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.  So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."  "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."  "Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"  "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

Naming Twins

A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.  Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Random Acts Of Thinking

So I was having lunch with Bobby Fischer, the former world chess champion, and the table had a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass the salt.

I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. When did I get a wife?

I may not know what I'm doing, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing it brilliantly.

A dollar may not go as far as it used to, but what it lacks in distance, it makes up for in speed.

There's nothing wrong with teenagers that 30 years won't fix.

Is there a Bureau of Missing Personalities?

I know I'm beautiful on the inside ... I have the colonoscopy video to prove it.

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

In a recent poll, 60 percent of people believe their workplace is louder now than it was five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.

Yeah, I'm a bird lover. Mostly chicken. Mostly fried.

I was visiting a monastery recently and I saw a sign that read, "In case of fire, break vow of silence."

How to Tell if You're a High-Tech Redneck

** You take your net-connected cell phone to the outhouse to read your e-mail.

** Your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com."

** Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

** Your presence on the World Wide Web is a "Down Home Page."

** You tripled the value of your truck by installing a portable DVD.

** You trim the kudzu back from your trailer so it won't mess up your DSL.

** You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."

** Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite tractor.

** You start all your e-mails with "Howdy!"

** You can fix a trolling motor with a set of PC tools.

** You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink can on.

** The bumper sticker on your truck says, "My other computer is a laptop."

** You know that a "network" has nothing to do with fishin'.

** Your baseball cap has an Intel logo instead of "CAT."

** You keep inventory of your truck parts, fishin' lures, and country music tapes in Excel.

** You've got every font ever made that looks like Old West signs or wood plank fencing installed on your computer.

** You have "Free Bird" and "Achy Breaky Heart" on the MP3 player in your truck.

** You find yourself humming, "Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire!"

Today’s Though

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented, but... I forgot where I was going with this.