Friday's Funnies

Day Three

My Sunday school class of kindergartners was studying the Bible's creation account. After several weeks, we were ready to review. "What did God make the first day?" I quizzed. "The second day?" They answered both questions correctly. "And what happened on the third day?" I asked. One little child, face shining with enthusiasm, exclaimed, "He rose from the dead!"

Tax Return

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.  "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog. Everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"  "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."  "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you -- we also deliver."

Palm Sunday

Our daughter, an ROTC cadet, was ordered to Fort Indiantown Gap in Pennsylvania for field exercises. Since it was the Easter season, she requested permission to attend church services on Palm Sunday. The troops were in the field at the time, so the commanding officer agreed only if there happened to be a church in the vicinity of their maneuvers. When a small country church was seen along the road, our daughter entered quietly, hoping to be unnoticed in spite of her leaf-and-branch camouflage. But all eyes turned upon her as a small child cried in amazement, "Look, somebody came as a palm!"

Tax Office

A man walked into the tax collector's office and sat down and smiled at everyone.  "May I help you?" said the clerk in charge.  "No," said the man. "I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years."

Free Will

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'yes!'"

Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"  Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Responsible

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Getting Old

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.   'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

Know how to prevent sagging?  Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.  She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

 Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked... She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"  Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."  "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"  "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor who was able to fit for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.  The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."  The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Today’s Thought for Easter & Tax Day

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 

Friday's Funnies

First Day of School

A child comes home from his first day at school.  His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"  The kid replies, "Not enough I guess. I have to go back again tomorrow."

A man fell into a pit and couldn't get himself out...

~ A subjective person came along and said, "I feel for you down there."

~ An objective person walked by and said, "It's logical that someone would fall down there."

~ A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into pits."

~ A mathematician calculated how deep the pit was.

~ A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit.

~ An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.

~ A self-pitying person said, "You haven't seen anything until you've seen my pit."

~ A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, "You deserve your pit."

~ A psychologist noted, "Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit."

~ A self-esteem therapist said, "Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit."

~ An optimist said, "Things could be worse."

~ A pessimist claimed, "Things WILL get worse."

Returns

"I don't like to bring this up," said the Doctor, "but that check of yours came back." "I don't like to mention this, either, Doc," said the patient, "but so did my ailment."

Point System

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."  "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her and loved her deep in my heart."  "That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth two points."  "Two points!?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."  "Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That’s certainly worth a point."  "One point!?!! Well, I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."  "Fantastic, that"s good for two more points," he says.  "Two points!?!! Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."  "Bingo! 100 points! Come on in!"

You Might Be a Technician if...

- you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.

- you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends."

- you think your computer looks better without the cover.

- you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."

- you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

- you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

- the salespeople at Best Buy can't answer any of your questions.

- the microphone at a meeting doesn't work and you rush up to fix it.

- you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.

- you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers, and you actually know where they are.

- you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.

- you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

Punished?

Pupil: "Teacher, can a fellow be punished for something he hasn't done?"

Teacher: "No, of course not."

Pupil: "That's good, because I haven't done my homework."

Today’s Thought

A new government study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Friday's Funnies

Here's Wisdom

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket.

Religious Horse

A preacher was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride. "Before you start," the preacher said, "you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is 'Praise the Lord,' and stop is 'Amen.'"  So the man gets on the horse and says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to gallop. Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells, "Amen!"  The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.  The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says, "Praise the Lord!"

Diet

Just saw a little blurb mentioning a "plant-based" diet and realized that most of my food comes from plants --specifically Hostess, Frito-Lay, whoever makes Cap'n Crunch, Hershey's, etc., etc.

Meteorologically Speaking

My sister answered an advertisement for a typist to work on a book on weather forecasting. She gave her typing speed as "Approximately 55 w.p.m. with occasional gusts of 60 to 65 w.p.m."  She got the job.

Copycat

A man in a hurry, taking his eight-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "Aw, Dad, it's okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

Mrs. Smith

"Did you see how pleased Mrs. Smith looked when I told her she didn't look a day older than her daughter?"  "I didn't notice Mrs. Smith....I was too busy watching the expression on her daughter's face!"

A Sad Passing

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.  The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth , Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Today’s Thought

Inflation hasn't ruined everything...A dime can still be used as a screwdriver.