Friday's Funnies

We're all in this together--but please keep your distance!

I hope they give us two weeks’ notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.

New monthly budget: Gas $0, Entertainment $0, Clothes $0, Groceries $2,799.

Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.

Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now. We don't have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life!

When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.

I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."

Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 6 weeks.

It may take a village to raise a child but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home school one.

You know those car commercials where there's only one vehicle on the road - doesn't seem so unrealistic these days.

They can open things up next month, I'm staying in until July to see what happens to y'all first.

People keep asking: "Is Coronavirus REALLY all that serious?" Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it's probably pretty serious.

Home school Day 1: I'm trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.

Okay, the schools are closed. So, do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house or what?

The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner.

Our Country...

The teacher was explaining to her 2nd grade class the significance of Memorial Day, and they were preparing some songs and stories to put on a little show for their parents. At one point the teacher pointed to the American flag and asked, "Does anyone know what flag this is?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country!" "Very good!" the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?" Confidently, the girl said, "'Tis Of Thee."

Schedule Update

Dewey called Dr. Mike Wilson's office for an appointment. "I'm sorry," said the receptionist, "we can't fit you in for at least two weeks." "But I could be dead by then!" "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment."

Briefly...

-          Elevator music bothers me on so many different levels.

-          I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

-          How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Let Us Know

The following advertisement appeared in a physical culture magazine:

"Here's a good test for stomach muscles. Clasp your hands over your head and place your feet together on the floor. Now bend to the right at the waist as you sit down to the left of your feet. Now by sheer muscular control, haul yourself up, bend to the left and sit down on the floor to the right of your feet. Keep this up and let us know of the result."  The first letter received by the magazine said "HERNIA"

Patient/Doctor

I walked into doctor's office and said, "I've hurt my arm in several places."

The doctor replied, "Well, don't go there anymore."

Three Ropes

Three ropes walked into a bar to have a beer. One rope excused himself to use the bathroom and the other two went to order beers at the bar.  The bartender leaned over the bar and said, "We don't serve ropes in here, if you don't want any trouble, you'd better hit the road!" and the two little ropes scurried away. On their way out they bumped into their friend and told him what had happened.  "Don't worry about a thing." he said," Watch this!" and he twisted his top around and fluffed himself out. He sidled up to the bartender and ordered a beer.  The bartender poured the beer, but as he was handing it over he said," We don't serve ropes in here.... you wouldn't be a rope would you?"  "Oh no," said the fluffy rope, "I'm a frayed knot!!"

Jury Duty

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.  Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."  As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.  "Only to mow my lawn."

Today’s Thought

Being more at home now, I regularly do crunches twice a day. Cap'n in the morning and Nestle's at night.

Friday's Funnies

Pandemic Paranoia

• Until further notice the days of the week shall be called: THISday, THATday, OTHERday, SOMEday, YESTERday, NEXTday, & Tomorrow.
• Remember when you were wishing the weekend would last forever? So...are you happy yet?
• You know the world is upside down when you go to the bank and someone wearing a mask and gloves isn't tackled by security.
• Now, just like that, having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, plastic sheeting, and rope in the trunk of your car is OKAY and you are not suspicious?
• If they had just called it, "the Stay at Home Challenge" and posted it on Facebook, the virus would be gone by now.
• What if they close the grocery stores and we have to hunt for food? I don't even know where Little Debbie lives.
• I am glad I did not waste my money on buying a 2020 Daily Planner book.
• "I've eaten 14 meals and taken 6 naps and it's still today. Are you kidding me?"

More Lockdown Humor

• People are using the word "lockdown" because they don't know how to spell kwarinteen.
• Have you noticed that the amount of selfies being posted are down by 68%?
• I hope all the school teachers realize their students will return to class using old math.
• My house got TP'd last night. Now its appraised value has doubled.

Suspicious Sartorial Splendor

The same guy had robbed the same bank three times in the last 30 days. The FBI agent in charge of preventing a fourth robbery asked the nervous bank teller, "Have you noticed anything in particular about the robber?" "Yes," the teller replied. "I notice that each time he comes into the bank he's much better dressed."

Pray

The minister was tucking his four-year old daughter into bed and asked what she would like to pray about. Promptly she answered, "Onions." So they prayed about onions. The next morning, the pastor asked his daughter why she wanted to pray about onions. "Because you said in your sermon Sunday that we should pray for things we don't like."

Can You Hear Me Now?

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson. "That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000." "Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser. The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" asked Morris. "For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

Church Signs

• "Services canceled. God is making house calls."
• "Shout Hosanna! But first, step back 6 ft."
• "Cleanse your hands" (James 4:8).
• "Wash yourselves and be clean!" (Isaiah 1:16).
• "The Church isn't closed, it's deployed!"

Worship Song Planning (Coronavirus Pandemic Edition)

Rejected Songs: "We Gather Together," "Just a Closer Walk With Thee," "Breathe on me, Breath of God," "Precious Lord, Take My Hand," "Close to Thee."
Accepted Songs: "Wash, O God, Our Sons & Daughters," "Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley," "I Come To The Garden Alone," "Trust And Obey."

Quarantine Briefs

• Overslept this morning. Was late getting to the living room.
• I used to spin toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
• Reminder: 9pm is the time to remove your day pajamas and put your night pajamas on.
• If you get an email that says "Find out what everyone is talking about in 2020" don't open it — it's a virus.
• If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14-day quarantine you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19.

The "Q" Diet

"I'm sorry, sir, but we've determined that you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed `a diet of pancakes." "Oh, no, that's horrible news, doctor," the man said. "But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?" The doctor looked at him and said, "No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

The Model Customer?

A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you." "Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late." The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred!"

Today’s Thought

Went to a new restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Friday's Funnies

Forecast: Today's weather?  Room temperature.

Work On Weekends

Boss - Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me - Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow.

Boss - What time will you get here?

Me - Monday.

Caution

During these uncertain times, the only thing that could be worse is if the murder hornets are attracted to hand sanitizer.

Military Exercises

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.  After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"  The student replied, "Big ones."

One-Dollar-Bill

A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here much."  The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds on the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff.  How about you?"  The one-dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff - church, church, church."

Actual Complaints Received By A Resort Chain:

~ "On my holiday to India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

~ "We booked an excursion to a water park but no one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price"

~ "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

~ "No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

~ "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

~ "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

~ "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

~ "My sister woke up late and didn't get a free continental breakfast."

Youngest In School

A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school.  A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.  "Cartwheels," Gregory answered.

Have You Heard About These Cats?

Have you heard about . . .
- the angry cat? She threw a hissy fit.
- the grumpy cat? He was a sour puss.
- the silent cat? She was the victim of a purr snatcher.
- the sensitive cat? She cried over spilt milk.
- the dyslexic cat? He cried, "Woem, weom!"
- the cat who had eight kittens? She was an octopus.
- the cowardly felines? Their names were Scaredy and Fraidy.
- the cat who swallowed a duck? He was a down-in-the-mouth, duck-filled fatty puss.
- the cat who had a hair ball? She couldn't hack it.
- the old cat who became forgetful and stopped making any sounds? She developed a purr-senility disorder.
- the golf-playing cat? Even without a catty he consistently scored fur under purr.
- the adolescent cat? She pleaded with her parents, "Why don't you let me lead one of my own lives?"
- the cat who liked to lounge around the stereo? He hoped to catch the tweeter for lunch, unless the woofer got him first.
- the cat who got hurt? She whimpered, "Me ow!"
- the cat who was walking the beach on Christmas Eve? He had Sandy Claws.
- the cat who ate some cheese and then sat by a mouse hole? She waited with baited breath.
- the radioactive cat? He had eighteen half-lives.
- the cat who chased a mouse through the screen door? They both strained themselves.
- the cat who robbed McDonald's and Wendy's? She was a cat burgerlar.
- the cat named Ben Hur? It used to be called Ben, until it had kittens.
- the cat who caught a bird? He enjoyed a breakfast of shredded tweet.
- the fast cat? She put quicksand in her litter box.
- the cat who tried to find out why his humans forgot to place cat litter in his box? He didn't have anything to go on.
- the cat who loved to bowl? He was an alley cat.
- the cat who climbed the drapes? She had good claws to do it - and she started from scratch.
- the cat who swallowed a bag of coins? There was money in that kitty.
- the obese, ill-tempered, talkative cat? He was a flabby, crabby, gabby tabby.
- the feline who impeded the iceman's work? The cat got his tong.
- the baby cat who joined the Red Cross? She wanted to be a first-aid kit.
- the two cats who raced each other to the milk bowl? One beat the other by a lap.
- the kindle of cats named Johann Christian, Wilhelm Friedemann, Johann Sebastian, and Carl Philipp Emanuel? They were all born in a litter Bachs.
- the man who was afraid of cats? He had catatonia, clawstrophobia, and purranoia.
- the woman who refused to spay and neuter her cats? She was arrested for kitty littering.
- the man who saw a sign at a pet store that said "Free Cats"? So he went in and did.
- the unemployed cat burglar from Nepal? What else can a Katmandu? (By Richard Lederer)

Today’s Thought

While social distancing, my wife and I went for a walk and scored a couple packages of toilet paper. Moral of the story? Don't leave your garage doors open.

Friday's Funnies

Notice:  For those who have lost track, today is Blursday, the fortyteenth day of Maprilay.

Happy Mother’s Day - If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one pair of hands?

Ten Signs Of A Frustrated Mother

1. Your children know how to beat every level of Mario Bros but can't operate a vacuum cleaner.

2. Your children tell you that you said "yes" and you don't even remember the question.

3. You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a good time.

4. Your husband asks how your day went and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 repeats of "stop that!" or "no!"

5. You can't remember the last time you didn't have to share your drink.

6. You mistakenly tell the kids it's "sanity" time when you meant to say "bed" time.

7. The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it's out to get you.

8. You dread hearing the phone ring because it's a sure sign there's about to be trouble amongst the children.

9. It's finally your turn on the computer and "Dancing with the Stars" is just coming on.

10. You go to sleep with "I'm bored" or "I'm hungry" still ringing in your ears.

Our Pets During Quarantine

DOGS:

-          Please don't walk me again. Watch Netflix. Read a book. But leave me alone.

-          This quarantine has me realizing why my dog gets so excited about something moving outside. I think I just barked at a squirrel.

-          Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

-          Day 33 of quarantine and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew the furniture."

CATS:

-          Get a human they said. Hardly ever home they said.

-          Why are the annoying servants staying in my home all day now?

-          The human has been working from home the last few days. Every so often he lets me participate in his online meetings. All the other humans cheer when they see me. I am the only thing keeping their company together.

-          Stay home. Practice social distancing. Clean yourself often. OH NO! We're becoming cats!

Warning

States have banned all groups larger than 5. If you're a family of 6, you're about to find out who's the least favorite.

Senior Observations

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!"... most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, drink responsibly means don't spill it.

When I say "the other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and fifteen years ago.

I've had my patience tested.  I'm negative.

Sixty might be the new forty, but 9:00 PM is the new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring. Spend thirty seconds in my head, that'll freak you right out.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Wrong Number

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired. "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....

This particular Sunday sermon... 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust....' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Today’s Thoughts

You know the world is upside down when you go to the bank and someone wearing a mask and gloves isn't tackled by security.

Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Friday's Funnies

Remember...

Was your church building empty this Easter?  Remember — so is the tomb.

Lockdown Humor

People are using the word lockdown because they don't know how to spell kwarinteen.

I hope all the school teachers realize their students will return to class using old math.

I'm pretty sure I just heard my fridge say, "What in the world do you want now?!"

I'm as bored as an Amish electrician.

Ontario has banned groups larger than 5. If you're a family of 6, you're all about to find out who's the least favorite!

Health Tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can't accidentally touch your face.

My house got TP'd last night ... now it's appraised value has doubled!

Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly. Now weed's legal and school's closed ... kids today are livin' the dream!

If you get an email with the subject "Knock Knock," don't open it. It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.

After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside. I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them. Now I understand dogs.

Day 36 of social isolation at home, and it's like being in Las Vegas. I'm losing money by the minute. Cocktails are acceptable at any hour. Nobody knows what time it is.

Worship Planning - Coronavirus Pandemic Edition

Rejected:

~ We Gather Together

~ Just a Closer Walk With Thee

~ Breathe on me, Breath of God

~ Precious Lord, Take My Hand

~ Close to Thee

Accepted:

~ Wash, O God, Our Sons & Daughters

~ Jesus Walked This Lonesome Valley

~ I Come To The Garden Alone

~ Trust And Obey

Coronavirus Playlist

Nothing helps relieve stress like listening to some relaxing music. To help take your mind off the current situation, we offer this helpful playlist. Listen and enjoy!

~ Don't Stand so Close to Me, The Police

~ Stayin' Alive, Bee Gees

~ Take My Breath Away, Berlin

~ So Far Away From Me, Dire Straits

~ The Air that I Breathe, The Hollies

~ Every Breath You Take, The Police

~ Dancing with Myself, Billy Idol

~ Too Much Time on My Hands, Styx

~ The Cure, Lady Gaga

~ I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor

~ Can't Touch This, MC Hammer

~ Go Your Own Way, Fleetwood Mac

Child

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him: "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

Spring Cleaning

Employee: "Boss, we're doing some heavy spring cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

Boss: "We're short-handed already! I can't give you the day off."

Employee: "Thanks, boss, I knew I could count on you!"

Shirt and Tie

A guy goes into a fancy lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar, but the bouncer tells him he needs a necktie to get in.  The guy doesn't have a necktie handy, so goes out to his car and gets his jumper cables. He ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.  He goes back to the lounge.  The bouncer looks him up and down and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."

Today’s Thoughts

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!

I'm having a quarantine party this weekend. None of you are invited.