Black Friday
You know you're American when you line up at 3am on Black Friday so that you can save $5 at Walmart!
Thanksgiving Shorts
• What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy, I'm stuffed!
• Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of foul play!
• Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside!
• Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building? Yes. A building can't jump at all!
• If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
• What type of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock!
• Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
• What key has legs and can't open doors? A turkey!
• What's the best thing to put into pumpkin pie? Your teeth!
Fall Harvest
A farmer and the hired hand he had recently brought on to help with the harvest were having a fine, full breakfast one day at the height of crop-gathering. They were both busily gulping down coffee, eggs, biscuits, gravy, and all the bacon they could eat. Thinking of all the work they had to do that day, the farmer remarked, "You know, this is probably going to be our lunch, too." The hired hand just nodded, refilled his plate, and continued eating. A short time later, the farmer says offhandedly, "We've got so much work to do today, this may well have to be our supper, too." The hired man grunts his understanding, takes a last few bites, then pushes back from the table, loosens his suspenders and takes off his boots. "What are you doing?" the farmer asks. The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."
Generous Giver
A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection late was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in. Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate, and passed it on, admiring the man's generosity. Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper: "Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket."
How Convenient
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
Generation Gap
A big mouth college student challenged a senior citizen saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his world. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers, the internet..." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior said, "You're right sonny. We didn't have those things when we were young — so we invented them! What are YOU doing for the next generation?"
Deep Point To Ponder
How would we measure hail without golf balls?
Girl of his dreams
A young man in college called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?” He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the girl came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. “I was totally humiliated,” he moaned. “She insisted on washing the dishes.” “What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother. “We hadn’t started eating yet.”
Address
When my eight-year-old sister came to visit, I took a day off from my job at the Pentagon and showed her the Lincoln Memorial. There she saw a large block of text—273 words long—etched into the monument. "What's that?" she asked. "Lincoln's Gettysburg Address," I told her. "If that's his address, how does he get any mail?"
Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers
• They’re distracted by cats chasing the mouse.
• It was hard enough to learn SIT and STAY; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
• They suffer from carpal paw syndrome.
• The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
• They attack the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
• It’s too messy to “mark” every website they visit.
• They want to stick their heads out of Windows 7.
New word definition
COFFEE- the person upon whom someone coughs
ABDICATE- to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
NEGLIGENT- when you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown
GARGOYLE- olive flavored mouthwash
FLATULENCE- emergency vehicle that picks you up after being run over
BALDERDASH- a rapidly receding hairline
Mighty Chickens
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl. French engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the French engineers. When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified Frenchmen send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design. The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
Fitness Tip
The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Running Around
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by Eve poking him in the chest. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," Eve huffed.
Fired
In Washington, D.C., the application form for federal employment includes this question: "Why did you leave your previous employment?" One applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded: "The express wish of 116,000 voters."
Communications
A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine," the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'" "Really? What happens then?" the girl asks enthusiasticly. "Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"
Signs You're Drinking Too Much Coffee
• Starbucks is accepting bids for a franchise located in your house.
• The National Bank of Columbia has offered you a Platinum Visa card with zero percent interest. • Folgers has offered you a "distributors" franchise for your block.
• Your co-workers are getting rich buying stock in companies that manufacture foam coffee cups. • You just went to the store and bought ten cases of non-diary creamer "to get you through the week."
• You haven't slept in a week and no one notices, not even you.
• You find yourself sneezing Folger's Crystals.
• Juan Valdez starts sending you hand-written Thank You notes.
• You eat garlic to overcome coffee breath.
• Your dentist upgrades to a belt sander.
• Auctioneers begin to make sense.
And the number 1 Sign You've Had Too Much Coffee...
• YYoouu ssttaarrtt ttyyppiinng lliikkee tthhiiss..
Little Larry
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? "
New Airport Security
The Dutch are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.
They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
They see this as a Win-Win for every one and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial.
Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed !
This is so simple....that it's brilliant. I can see it now. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system:
"Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight number........"
Airline Fees
With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they'll levy for something previously free.
1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …
2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.
3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10; $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.
4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.
I Just Don’t Get It
I don’t get these people who, instead of buying a four- or an eight- pack of toilet paper, buy a single, individual roll. Are they trying to quit?
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by Eve poking him in the chest. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," Eve huffed.
Fired
In Washington, D.C., the application form for federal employment includes this question: "Why did you leave your previous employment?" One applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded: "The express wish of 116,000 voters."
Communications
A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine," the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'" "Really? What happens then?" the girl asks enthusiasticly. "Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"
Signs You're Drinking Too Much Coffee
• Starbucks is accepting bids for a franchise located in your house.
• The National Bank of Columbia has offered you a Platinum Visa card with zero percent interest. • Folgers has offered you a "distributors" franchise for your block.
• Your co-workers are getting rich buying stock in companies that manufacture foam coffee cups. • You just went to the store and bought ten cases of non-diary creamer "to get you through the week."
• You haven't slept in a week and no one notices, not even you.
• You find yourself sneezing Folger's Crystals.
• Juan Valdez starts sending you hand-written Thank You notes.
• You eat garlic to overcome coffee breath.
• Your dentist upgrades to a belt sander.
• Auctioneers begin to make sense.
And the number 1 Sign You've Had Too Much Coffee...
• YYoouu ssttaarrtt ttyyppiinng lliikkee tthhiiss..
Little Larry
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? "
New Airport Security
The Dutch are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.
They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
They see this as a Win-Win for every one and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial.
Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed !
This is so simple....that it's brilliant. I can see it now. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system:
"Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight number........"
Airline Fees
With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they'll levy for something previously free.
1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card …
2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.
3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10; $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.
4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.
I Just Don’t Get It
I don’t get these people who, instead of buying a four- or an eight- pack of toilet paper, buy a single, individual roll. Are they trying to quit?
Friday, November 5, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Refreshing
The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal. Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful -so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing." The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, "I felt like a new man when I woke up!"
Just Before I Die
Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "Well," his friend replied, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you're going to die, you'll never be able to sell!" "And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
The Music Critic
An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop." As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!" Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?" The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."
Words Of Wisdom
After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas. A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun. The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank. Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."
Welcome Sign
"Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen."
MALE VS FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE
It's a proven fact that males and females sometimes approach the same task in fundamentally different ways. After many months of careful research by the banking industry, Male & Female procedures have been developed to help for quicker processing of transactions at ATM machines. You should expect to start seeing these procedures posted at ATM machines in your area in the near future.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Lower your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter the amount of cash you want to withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required distance to align car window with the ATM machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate ATM card.
5. Tell the person you are talking to on your cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror while request is processing.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.
The Difference Between an Optimist and a Pessimist
"What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?" I asked my husband. He thought for a minute before responding, "An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guy who created the parachute."
The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal. Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful -so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing." The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, "I felt like a new man when I woke up!"
Just Before I Die
Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "Well," his friend replied, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you're going to die, you'll never be able to sell!" "And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
The Music Critic
An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop." As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!" Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?" The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."
Words Of Wisdom
After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas. A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun. The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank. Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."
Welcome Sign
"Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen."
MALE VS FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE
It's a proven fact that males and females sometimes approach the same task in fundamentally different ways. After many months of careful research by the banking industry, Male & Female procedures have been developed to help for quicker processing of transactions at ATM machines. You should expect to start seeing these procedures posted at ATM machines in your area in the near future.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Lower your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter the amount of cash you want to withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required distance to align car window with the ATM machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate ATM card.
5. Tell the person you are talking to on your cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror while request is processing.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.
The Difference Between an Optimist and a Pessimist
"What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?" I asked my husband. He thought for a minute before responding, "An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guy who created the parachute."
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