Friday's Funnies

ROTC Cadets

After a rigorous drilling program, a group of ROTC cadets was about to board the trucks back to the barracks. Just for fun, the cadets fell into formation with their caps on backward.  The lieutenant in charge was indignant at this breach of military decorum and dressed down the cadet leader, "Cadet! I want to see those caps facing front *Immediately!*"  The young cadet captain was unshaken. He called his group to attention, then commanded crisply, "About face!"

Overbearing Friend

My good friend is more aggressive at work than she realizes. After she had her annual performance review, I asked, "How did it go?"  "They had written that I was overbearing," she replied with a shrug. "I made them take it off."

Hunters

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer down a trail back to their truck.  Another hunter approached pulling his along too.  "Hey, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."  After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.  A little while later one Congressman said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"  "Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck!"

 

More Idiot Error Messages

 

ESO: Equipment Smarter than Operator

TSTO: Too Stupid To Operate

EBK: Error Behind Keyboard

PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair.

Code 18: The problem is located 18 inches away from the monitor.

EEOC: Equipment Exceeds Operator Capabilities

OHE: Operator Headspace Error

PICNIC: Problem In Chair Not In Computer

 

Doctor, Doctor!

 

"Doctor, Doctor!  I feel like a pair of curtains!"

"Well, pull yourself together."

 

"Doctor, Doctor!  My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!"

"Hmmmm... Let's hope nothing develops."

 

"Doctor, Doctor!  I feel like a deck of cards!"

"I'll deal with you in a minute."

 

"Doctor, Doctor!  My son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?"

"Use a pencil 'till I get there."

 

Young Entrepreneur

Hailey wants to open up a sort of "lemonade stand" on our street, except that it will be selling "Happiness" for 10 cents. "What do they get for their 10 cents?" "I get to throw a water balloon at them." "And that will make them happy?" "Maybe, maybe not. But it will make me happy! And I get their money."

The Metamorphosis

I was looking through my closet for something to wear, but nothing was calling out to me. So I sought my three-year-old's opinion. "What do you think I should change into?" I asked. He thought awhile before replying, "A butterfly."

The Building Fund

A pastor got up one Sunday to preach and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program." The pastor continued, "The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

Groaners

When they asked the two monocles why they never got together, they said they’d like to, but didn’t want to make spectacles of themselves.

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper pants, a paper shirt, paper boots, and wore a paper hat? The Sheriff arrested him for rustling.

One who runs in front of the car gets tired. One who runs behind gets exhausted.

A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I’m the chip monk!

A man put in 10 puns for a pun contest, hoping that at least one of them would win. But sadly, no pun in ten did.

First Day at Work

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." 
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.  "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

Today’s Thought



I'm writing a book about reverse psychology. Don't buy it.

Friday's Funnies

Wise Advice Confirmed

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back." With that, he responded, "To tell you the truth; it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."

Following Orders

Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.

Secret Of Success

The department manager is a wise, friendly old man, and one day, during an interview in his office he was asked, "Sir, what is the secret of your success?" He said, "Two words." "And, sir, what are they?" "Right decisions." "But how do you make right decisions?" "One word." He responded. "And, sir, what is that?" "Experience." "And how do you get experience?" "Two words." "And, sir, what are they?" "Wrong decisions."

Tourist Questions

Tourists ask a lot of questions as we travel between the Hawaiian Islands on my charter boat. Some people wanted to know, "Does the water go all the way around the island?" Another asked, "How much further until we're in the ocean?" But the one that made me want to jump overboard was, "Can you please take the boat closer to the sunset?"

A Way With Words

One evening I decided to try a new recipe. My eight-year-old budding diplomat was halfway through his meal when he looked up and announced, "Mom, your cooking is terrific...but this recipe is terrible!"

Practical Gift

My father, at age 93, had only the most basic needs and very few wants. Last fall, my sister-in-law, hoping to get a little help in choosing a suitable birthday gift for him, asked, "Pa, what would you like for your birthday this year?" "Nothing," he replied. "But, Pa." she kidded, "that's what we gave you last year." "Well," he answered, "I'm still using it."

The Will

Morris is on his deathbed, knowing the end is near. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons. "So," he says to them, "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses. Sybil, you take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza. Joe, I want you to take the offices over in City Center. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown." The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, "Ma'am, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property." "Property?" she scoffs. "The joker had a paper route!"

Rancher and Farmer

A Texas rancher was visiting an Iowa farm. The Iowa farmer was very proud of his two hundred acres of rich, productive land.   "Is this your whole farm?" the Texan asked. "Why, back in Texas, I get in my car at five o'clock in the morning, and I drive and drive all day. At dusk I am just reaching the end of my ranch."   The old Iowa farmer thought a while and replied, "Yeah, I used to have a car like that too."

Random thoughts as we age

The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is salad!!!

And, of course… Have I sent this to you already… or did you send this to me?

Today’s Thought

We have 35 million laws to enforce the Ten Commandments.

Friday's Funnies

Mother’s Day

 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out, in contrast on her brunette head.  She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Mommy, why are some of your hairs white?"  Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."  The little girl was silent for a while, and then said, "Poor Grandma. You must have been very, very hard to raise."

 

Survival Tips From Mom

 

 - If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't swallow it whole.

 - After a certain age, if you say something outrageous, everyone will think it's cute. Take advantage of this.

- Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.

- If you wouldn't want to see it in a newspaper or on the evening news, don't do it.

- Don't let a child with the stomach flu sleep on the top bunk.

- If you humiliate yourself, be consoled with the thought that you probably made someone else's day . . . maybe even their week.  Think of your humiliation as an act of charity.

- Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you're taking a shower.

- It's a proven fact that zipping up a small child's snowsuit will cause her to wet her pants.  There is no known cure for this.

- If you want to hide candy bars so you can eat them after the kids are in bed, put the candy in the freezer in a paper bag labeled "Fish."

 

Mother's Day Surprise

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "It's a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear

I swallowed a goldfish.

Your lipstick works better than crayons.

Does grape juice leave a stain?

Look, I painted the front door!

The principal called...

What's it cost to fix a window?

The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.

Has anyone seen my earthworms?

 

How to Bake a Cake (A Mom's Experience)

Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.

Remove blocks and toy cars from table.

Grease pan, crack nuts.

Measure two cups flour.

Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.

Re-measure flour.

Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.

Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.

Get another bowl.

Answer doorbell.

Return to kitchen.

Remove baby's hands from bowl.

Wash baby.

Answer phone.

Return.

Remove 1/4 inches of salt from greased pan.

Look for baby.

Grease another pan.

Answer telephone.

Return to kitchen and find baby.

Remove baby's hands from bowl.

Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.

Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.

Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.

Call baker.

Lie down.

 

Famous Moms

 

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you - quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

Today’s Thought

If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one pair of hands?