Friday's Funnies

 New Year’s Resolution 

A new year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

 

The Real World

Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, Bob was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance. "If you got married," teased his friend Brad, "the premium would be lower." Bob responded, "But wouldn't that be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts?"

Fractions 

I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…. I guess that makes me an eighth-theist.

 

Challenge 

At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.  "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."  He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you to do it again."

 

Wind Chill 

The guy who came up with wind chill factor died recently … he was 89 but felt like 64.

 

Points To Ponder. Briefly. 

-          It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

-          Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

-          A rule of grammar, double negatives are a no no.

-          I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

-          A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

-          A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

-          I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

-          Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

What's Proper

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. His response was, "Yes, sir!"? Correcting him, she said, "You would say, 'yes, sir,' to a man. I am a lady, and you would say 'yes, ma'am,' to a lady." To quiz him on this lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?" "Yes, sir!" came the reply. "Then what would you say to Mama?" "Yes, ma'am!" he proudly answered. "Good job! Now, what would you say to Grandma? He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

Multitasking

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Low Tech Solution

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season. When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area. "Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes your anesthesiologist."

 

Signs Found in Kitchens 

-          If you don't like my cooking, lower your standards.

-          This is a self-cleaning kitchen — you use it, you clean it yourself.

-          There are two choices for supper in this kitchen — take it or leave it.

-          Don't criticize the coffee. You may be old and weak yourself someday.

-          Kitchen closed due to illness... I'm sick of cooking!

 

Ever Noticed 

Have you ever noticed that when people say, "To make a long story short ..." it's already too late?

 

Headlines From The Year 2039 

-          Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

-          85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

-          Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

-          Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

-          Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

-          New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2040.

-          IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

 

Dad Joke

A high school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, and a calculator.  Authorities charged him with carrying weapons of math instruction.

 

Today’s Thought

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. 

Friday's Funnies

 Christmas Knock, Knock Jokes

Knock, knock! Who's there? Noah. Noah who? Noah good Christmas joke?

Knock, knock. Who's there? Dewey. Dewey who? Dewey know how long it is until Santa gets here?

 

Mall Santa Claus

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.  Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he said, "OK, you can ask for something, but it has to be for someone other than yourself. What do you want for Christmas?"  "Something for my mother," said the young lady.  "Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? " Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

If …

 

If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling and laughing away,
While flying around in a miniature sleigh

With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along,
then let's face it...

Your eggnog's too strong!

Buying Christmas Gifts For Men

 

Buying gifts for men on Christmas is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

 

Rule #1:

When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

 

Rule #2:

If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

 

Rule #3:

If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

 

Rule #4:

You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

 

Rule #5:

Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)

 

Rule #6:

Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

 

Rule #7:

Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")

 

Rule #8:

Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

 

Rule #9:

Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

 

Rule #10:

Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

 

Rule #11:

It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

 

Rule #12:

Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

 

Dad Joke

 

How much does Santa pay for parking?  Nothing, it’s on the house.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Bought a pack of animal crackers, but I had to take them back because the seal was broken...

 

Friday's Funnies

 Vacation

 

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked. "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.

Song Writer

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He is a Singer song writer. Or sew it seams.

 

Two Crows

 

Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. "See that over there? What is that?" asks the first crow. The second crows takes a long look and then says, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it?" "How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?" replies the first crow. "Look at its hands," says the second crow. "It's not holding a mobile phone."

 

Crazy Thoughts

 

2,000 pounds of human hair en route to a wig factory fell onto the highway when the truck carrying it overturned. No one was injured, and everyone is looking for clues as to why the accident happened. State Police, in fact, are still combing the area.

Curious as to why cowboys always want to "die with their boots on," a greenhorn from the city asked one of them one day. "Well," said the cowboy, "I reckon it's so we won't hurt our toes when we kick the bucket."

I've always wanted to be the guy who tests the mattresses. It seems like such a dream job.

My uncle was arrested for throwing bombs off a boat, but they dropped the charges.

If we're not careful to conserve our water resources, we could go from one ex-stream to another.

If you trade a sausage for a sea bird, have you taken a tern for the wurst?

 

Fighting Boys

 

I was the substitute youth leader at a local synagogue when two boys who were fighting were brought to me.  They were brothers.  I asked what's the problem?  The first answered, "He called me ugly!!"  The second one said, "That was after you said I had a face like a frog!"  I tried very hard not to laugh... they were identical twins!

Q & A

 

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one. 

How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.

How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

 

Unnecessary Inventions

 

There is a famous saying which states that "necessity is the mother of invention," however the inventions on this list seem far from necessary.

Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.

Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

Juicers:
Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.

Colored Contact Lenses:
Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.

Fake Eyelashes:
You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.

Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:
Kleenex does not get chilly.

Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats:
Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out.

Doggie Sweaters:
Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

City Preacher

 

Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small-town Ohio girl. While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.  With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse: "I never saw a cow until I met my wife… "

 

Dad Joke

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.’

 

Today’s Thought

The best way to get ahead is to use the one you've got.