Friday's Funnies

I Know Something.....

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."  Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"  He replied, "They're all nocturnal."

Punny One-liners

-        Dogs can't operate MRI scanners, but catscan.

-        Our mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.

-        Turning Vegan would be a missed steak.

-        Well, to be Frank I'd have to change my name.

-        Ban Shredded Cheese. Make America Grate again.

-        I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

-        Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

-        Irony is the opposite of wrinkly.

Christmas Signs

-        From a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

-        In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

-        Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

-        From a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

-        In a Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras: $70,000. Three for $200,000.

-        A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

-        In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything: A calendar to remind him when payments are due."

Devious, But Effective!

It was Christmas day, and we had all gathered for the holiday meal at the home of my husband's parents. After dessert, my mother-in-law left the table and returned carrying a bowl filled with slips of paper. Each adult was instructed to take one. Excited, we did so, wondering what surprise she had thought up for us. My slip of paper instructed me to dry the dishes; another person was told to wash them. Others had to do pots and pans. Then, with all the parents out of the way, grandma and grandpa went into the living room and enjoyed their grandchildren.

Christmas Shopping Fun-Liners

-        When my wife is Christmas shopping, her philosophy is "I came .. I saw .. I bought..."

-        I always have a white Christmas. I see the bills and I turn white.

-        It's terrible. You fight the crowds, stand in line, and pay an outrageous price just to give a present to someone who says, "You didn't have to do that."

-        One department store has an exciting Christmas special. If you spend $500 in one day, they'll tell you where they hid the bathroom.

-        It's the First Law of Christmas Shopping: When your kids are old enough to appreciate getting clothes as gifts, it's cheaper to buy toys.

Dog's Rules for Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog cuddles.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree.
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree.
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree.
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open.
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and cleans. Don't eat off the buffet table. Beg for goodies subtly. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your spot on the sofa -- they don't know any better. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach unless you can get away with it.

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses (4a is particularly important). Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house. Be nice to the kiddies. Turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!

New Year's Resolutions

·        My new year’s resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I'm going to be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it.

·        If you make a New Year's resolution to eat a healthy diet, and you keep it, you won't actually live longer, but it will seem longer.

·        Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

·        My new year's resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to Auld Lang Syne.

·        A new year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

Today’s Thought

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

Friday's Funnies

Top Ten Excuses The Innkeeper Had

10. Roman's "Stay Free" promotion a bit too successful

9.  Wife said he couldn't accept wood carvings as payment anymore

8.  Too busy getting new "Motel One" franchise going

7.  Last pregnant lady riding a donkey took all their towels

6.  Filled up for the "Caesar Impersonators'" convention

5.  Didn't accept the Judean Express Card

4.  Last room left was by the ice machine

3.  Nazareth Shriners tore up the place the night before

2.  Closed front desk early to take family to watch unique star.

1.  No last names, no service

DNA Results

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.  Husband: What's up?  Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid...  Husband: Well you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped. You said, "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here." So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.  Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.

On the Scale

When children come into the doctor's office where I work, it's my job to weigh and measure them.  After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened three-year-old on the scale, her mother said: "Honey, Mommy has a scale at home. Do like I do and stand on it."  Recognition dawned on the child's face and she confidently stepped on the scale, looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, no!" 

Puns

Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.

Watching a Rocket

A couple of birds were watching a rocket take off from Kennedy Space Center.  "Wow," said one, "look how fast he flies." The other replied, "You'd fly like that too it your tail was on fire."

Noah

Johnny: "Do you think Noah did a lot of fishing while he was on the Ark?"  Sonny: "No. How could he, with just two worms."

Insurance Laughs

Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes found by a UK insurance company:

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?

A: Traveled by bus?

A customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:

Q - What warning was given by you?

A - Horn.

Q - What warning was given by the other party?

A - Moo.

"On the M6 motorway I moved from the center lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."

"I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker."

"No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened."

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."

Baseball In Heaven

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team's game. They promised whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.  One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did.  He said to Bob, "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There IS baseball in heaven."  Bob said, "That's the best news!"  Then Earl said, "Time for the bad news...you're pitching tomorrow night."

Today’s Though

A snowman asked his friend what she thought of carrot cake. The friend replied, “It tastes like boogers.”

Friday's Funnies

Weather Report

Just before leaving the North Pole on Christmas Eve to deliver gifts to children around the world, Santa asked Mrs. Claus about the local weather forecast. Mrs. Claus responded, "Looks like rain, Dear!"

Garden Gnome

A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. "What are you?" asks the cat.  "A gnome," comes the reply. "I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?"  The cat replies, "Um, I'm a gnome."

A Few Punny One-liners

Dogs can't operate MRI scanners, but catscan.

Our mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.

Turning Vegan would be a missed steak.

Well, to be Frank I'd have to change my name.

Ban Shredded Cheese. Make America Grate again.

For chemists, alcohol is not a problem, it's a solution.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

Irony is the opposite of wrinkly.

Heaven

A husband and wife had each died and gone to Heaven. As they were walking the streets of heaven one day the husband couldn't get over how beautiful everything was - the presence of God, all the angels and choirs, and all the colors.  Finally, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, do you recall down on earth how you had us eat all that healthy food stuff? You know, no fried chicken, no gravy, no sugar?"  The wife said, "Yes."  The husband replied, "Do you realize we could have been here about 10 years earlier if you wouldn't have done that?"

At The Gym

An older man, not in the best physical condition, goes to the local gym. Once dressed in his exercise clothes, he approaches a trainer in the gym. “I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use?”  The trainer took one look at him and with a smile replied, “Use the ATM machine outside!”

Interview

I went for an interview at a big IT company today for the position of Computer Hacking Investigator. The boss asked me, "So, what makes you suitable for this job?" "Well," I replied, "I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview!"

Government Employee's Three Wishes

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
POOF!
A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where I can have total peace and solitude."
POOF!
Suddenly he is on an island with no one around to place demands on his time. Absolute leisure has finally come without conditions. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF!
He's back in his government office.

Funeral Expenses

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats."

God's Wit Is Astounding

When a man gets into a conversation with God, he decides to try his luck with him to see if he can get ahead. Little did he know just how witty the creator himself really is... A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when decided to talk to God. "God, He said, "How long is a million years?" God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute." The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?" God answered, "To me, it's a dime." The man then asked, "God, can I have a dime?" "In a minute."

Today’s Thought

I entered my first marathon and finished first! Two steps into it I stubbed my toe and finished, first.