Friday's Funnies

Merry Christmas!

Top Ten Gifts Your Husband Doesn't Want For Christmas

10. Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collector’s Edition with 74 minutes of extra footage
9. Any knick-knack
8. Tickets to the ballet
7. Another new tie
6. A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket
5. New teddy bear pajamas
4. Vacuum cleaner
3. A weekend seminar on "Getting in Touch With Your Feelings"
2. Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers
1. A nose and ear hair trimmer (OK, well maybe.)

Top Ten Gifts Your Wife Doesn't Want For Christmas

10. A car wash kit
9. A table saw
8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City's Home Theatre Installation Seminar
7. A case of oil
6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated
5. Custom engraved bowling ball
4. New outboard motor for fishing boat
3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD
2. New satellite dish with sports package
1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic

Christmas Jokes

Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?

A: They have too many needles 

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? 

A: Ice Crispies

What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?

A: You get tinsel-it is

What do elves learn in school?

A: The elf-abet

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A:  A Christmas quacker

What do grapes sing at Christmas?

A: 'Tis the season to be jelly

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

A: The Christmas alphabet has noel

What's red and white, red and white, red and white?

A: Santa Claus rolling down the hill 

Why did Santa Claus get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? 

A: He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone

Elf Pet Peeves

~ Ever since they hit the big time, those Keebler Elves act like we don't exist.

~ Santa keeps asking, "Does this suit make me look fat?"

~ Blitzen always mistaking you for a chew toy.

~ Now have to work through coffee breaks thanks to the McCaughey septuplets.

~ Next to "race" on the census forms, there's never a box marked "elf."

~ Health plan doesn't cover sleigh rash.

Christmas Q & A

• What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
• What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
• Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy.
• If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Mistletoe!
• Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
• What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claus!
• Where does a snowman keep his money? In a snow bank.
• What do they sing under the ocean during the winter? Christmas Corals!
• What do snowmen do on Christmas? Play with the snow angels.
• What's a good holiday tip? Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
• What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents? Silent Night.
• What do you call a snowman in the summer? A puddle!
• What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes.
• What do lions sing at Christmastime? Jungle bells.
• When is a boat like a pile of snow? When it's adrift.

 Today’s Thought

Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf. 

You’ve heard of the 3^rd archangel?  Mark.  You know, “Mark, the herald angel sings, ‘Glory to the newborn King!’”

Friday's Funnies

Top Ten Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don’t Like

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. "I really don't deserve this."

Shepherds

The Sunday school teacher looked at the boy's drawing of a manger scene, which included a large dog was among the animals. The teacher asked about it.  "Oh," said the child, "That's a German Shepherd."

Christmas Imaginings

Sunday school children were asked to draw their rendition of the Christmas story. Most of the kids drew manger scenes to include the shepherds, angels, the star, the baby Jesus in the manger as would be expected. Little Jimmy proudly showed his picture of a jetliner. There were four distinct faces looking out the windows. When the Sunday school teacher asked Jimmy to explain the drawing, he said it was the "flight out of Egypt." (Matthew 2:15.) He pointed to the one face and said "that is Joseph," another face was Mary, the little face, of course, was Jesus. The teacher asked him, "Who is the face in the front of the plane?" Jimmy replied, "It's Pontius, the pilot, of course."

Christmas Wish

As the little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual question: "And what would you like for Christmas?"  The child stared at him open-mouthed, horrified, and then gasped, "Didn't you get my Snapchat?"

Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

5. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until that huge cake arrives.

6. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

7. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

I Think Santa Clause Is A Woman....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!  For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they--with amazing calm--call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.  Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.  Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

~ Men can't pack a bag.

~ Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

~ Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.

~ Men don't answer their mail.

~ Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

~ Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

~ Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

Today’s Thought

I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, ‘that sounds like a fair trade.'

Friday's Funnies

Fractured Christmas Songs From Kids

~ Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

~ We three kings of porridge and tar

~ On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

~ He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.

~ Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

~ With the jelly toast proclaim

~ In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

~ Oh, what fun it is to ride with a one horse, soap and hay

Its Science

Professor Stein was lecturing his physics class. "Molecules can be split into atoms. Can molecules be broken down any further?" A pupil replied, "I'm not certain, but a sure way to find out would be to mail some of them in a Christmas package marked 'fragile.'"

Christmas Rebuke

After finding the door to the garage left open, Mom rebuked her daughter. "Were you born in a barn, Heather?" "No, but Jesus was." (Well played, young one...)

Song Request

Sam had been listening to his sister practicing her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols." She looked at him and said, "That's nice of you, Sam. But why?" "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"

Keen Observation

The best things in life may be free, but the optional accessories really run up the bill.

Bragging Rites

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Pet Training

While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over. But the customer complained, "I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!"

Paid Off

My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill for the delivery and were now worried about meeting other payments. We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."

Wise Beyond His Years

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room: "Still in the Garden of Eden?"

Very Punny

• Did you hear about the lady window installer?  Patty O'Doors.
• I found some Civil War meat at the back of our fridge the other day — Blue one side and Grey the other.
• I was no good at math at school. I spent half of my time doing fractions — at least, I think it was half.
• Experts have been working for six months on making a slow melting ice-cream. It would have been sooner, but they don't like working on Sundaes.

Words of Wisdom

• Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
• Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Today’s Though

I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.

Friday's Funnies

Reasons Why My Children Do Not Need More Toys

~ They started off as babies who found my Tupperware drawer much more fascinating than their toy box.

~ The days I change the paper towel roll in the kitchen bring great excitement as they claim their new sword or telescope.

~ Their current toys are only exciting when I either reorganize them, put them neatly away or when I start my garage sale pile.

~ Who needs toys when jumping on my bed like the five little monkeys brings tears of laughter?

~ They are content to look at the clouds and find shapes - most recently my son claimed he saw Thomas the Engine. Really, just shouted it out while in the car.

~ To make one of them want to play with a toy, all I have to do is give it to the other one. Suddenly, that item becomes the best thing in the whole entire world.

~ The days I mop the kitchen floor and move the chairs into the living room are cause for adventure as they build tents and "dark, dark rooms."

~ A flashlight brings amusement to all for hours.

~ The other day they literally fought over who got to play with the fly swatter. I really wish I was kidding.

Lion Tracks

"Look, guide, here are some LION tracks."  "Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

Parked Cars in the Snow

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."  Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

In the Bible

• I said I was going to sing a song called Subtraction. The Pastor replied, "Take it away,"
• Where is the first food fight in the Bible? Zechariah 5:1 — "I looked and behold a flying roll!"
• Do you know the phone number of the Garden of Eden?  Adam 8-1-2.
• Did you know that Paul was the first surfer In The Bible?  Remember in Acts when he came ashore on a board?

Got The Part!

A little boy, excited about his part in the Christmas play at school, came home and shouted, "I got a part in the Christmas play! I got a part in the Christmas play!" "What part did you get?" asked his mother excitedly. "I'm one of the three wise guys!"

DAFFYNITIONS

Aardvark: Aan aanimal thaat resembles the aanteater

Bat: An air-minded mouse

Cell Phone: How Amoebas communicate

Diploma: Da man dat fixes your pipes

Europe: Next one to bat

Fork: Eating utensil made obsolete by the discovery of fingers

Graveyard Shift: What takes place when an earthquake hits a cemetery

Highbrow: A person educated beyond his intelligence

Install: Where you keep your horse

Joan of Arc: Noah’s wife

Letter: A form of composition opening with an excuse for not opening sooner and closing with an excuse for not closing later

Mammoth: Giant flying bug thing

Nostalgia Buff: One who finds the past perfect and present tense

Optometrist: A person you have to see

Perfect Gentleman: A man of high principle and no interest

Quadruplets: Four crying out loud

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat

Sermon: A moralogue

Thoroughbred: A carefully prepared loaf

Viper: What you use to clean ze vindows

Walkie Talkie: What you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede

X-Ray: A ray that enables a person to see through anything except treachery

Year: The exact length of time that will pass from the day you get married to the day you forget your first anniversary

Zillion: The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, before ending up doing it yourself

Today’s Thought

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the game.

Friday's Funnies

Creation

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.  Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"  Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Oops

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me anymore.”  “Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”

Towels

When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.  "Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."  "You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had .... you know the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation!"

Church

A small town had three churches -- and all three were virtually overrun with pesky squirrels.  The first church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that God must have wanted the squirrels there, and the church shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.  The second church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations, so they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.  The third church came up with the best and most effective solution: they baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Job Application

I was applying for a job and the employment application clearly stated: "Age of Father (if living)," and the same question for my Mother.  I put down the figures 105 and 94 in the spaces provided. The interviewer asked if my parents were truly that old.  I replied, "No, but they would be if they were still living."

Vet Bills

While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs.  "What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.  "Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."

Animals

As the animals left Noah’s ark, Mrs. Noah looked up at the dirty, beat-up, smelly boat and sighed, “It looks like such a wreck. Are we just going to leave it on the mountaintop?”   “Don’t worry about it,” Noah said confidently, “I left the termites on board.”

Things You Would Never Know Without The Movie Industry

~ Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they're employed or not.

~ Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

~ It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts--your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

~ When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

~ Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

~ All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

~ It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

~ The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

~ The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

~ A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

~ It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

~ Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

~ All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

~ If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

~ When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Today’s Thought

A pun is the lowest form of humor -- unless you thought of it yourself.

Friday's Funnies

Facebook

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell a passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.  I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.  And it works just like Facebook!  I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

Keeping Grandpa

At my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have come back over the years," I commented.  Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."

Running Away From Home

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"  The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he asked.  "Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child.  "And what if you run out of money?"  "I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child.  The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"  "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.  The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."

Waiting for the Bus

A person was visiting Washington, DC, for the first time. Unable to locate the Capitol, the person asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"  The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."  Three hours later, the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the person was still waiting at the same bus stop.  The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus, and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"  The person replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

Woof

A dog went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."  The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."  The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

Airheads

Two airheads in California are sitting outside on a cool, clear evening, looking at the moon and talking.  One asks: "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"  The other replies (with eye-roll): "Hellooooooooooo!  Can you see Florida from here??"

Prayers

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.  Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.   "Johnny!  Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.   "I don't need to," the boy replied.    "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."    "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."                     

Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle

~ It's okay...I'm still billing the client.

~ They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

~ This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

~ I was working smarter, not harder.

~ Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.

~ I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

~ This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

~ I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

~ I'm in the management-training program.

~ This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

~ Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to that problem you told me about yesterday.

~ The coffee machine is broke....

~ Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

~ Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!

~ I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.

Today’s Thought

An optimist thinks this is the best of all worlds. A pessimist fears this may be true.

Friday's Funnies

Curiosity

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"  One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "Still in the Garden of Eden?"

Consistent Season

I heard two high school superintendents from different school systems talking recently. One asked the other how their football season turned out. The superintendent replied, "We had a 5-and-5 season. We lost 5 at home and 5 on the road."

Why Men Are Seldom Depressed

1.            Your last name stays put.

2.            The garage is all yours.

3.            Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4.            Chocolate is just another snack.

5.            Car mechanics tell you the truth.

6.            You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

7.            Wedding dress - $5,000. Tuxedo rental - $100.

8.            New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

9.            Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

10.          A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

11.          Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

12.          Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

13.          The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

14.          One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.

Schoolteacher

In the traffic court of a large city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to the judge that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.  A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye.  “You’re a schoolteacher, hum?” he said. “Ma'am, today I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Sit down at the table and write ‘I went through a red light’ 500 times!”

You're No Longer A Kid When...

•             Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

•             You have friends who have kids.

•             You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.

•             Your parents' jokes are now funny.

•             Naps are good.

•             When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

•             You actually WANT clothes for Christmas.

A Bigger Blessing

A grandmother was headed out the door to go to church one Sunday when she got a call from her daughter. "Would Grandma like to have her three little grandchildren visit while her daughter and son-in-law take a five-day holiday trip?" Grandma was so delighted she put five dollars in the collection basket at church and thanked the Lord. The Sunday after the grandchildren had returned home, she put twenty dollars in the collection.

Malapropisms - (A malapropism is a verbal blunder in which one word is replaced by another similar in sound but different in meaning.)

·         People who live beyond their means should act their wage.

·         If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

·         The image of you playing Frisbee with a dog isn't so farfetched.

·         The wise never marry, and when they marry, they become otherwise.

·         He's a wolf in cheap clothing.

·         It was a case of love at Versailles.

·         He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs.

·         In Algiers, they spend most of their time at the cash bar.

·         My sister has extra-century perception.

·         A fool and his money are some party.

·         All's fear in love and war.

·         Some viruses can lie doormat for years.

·         To each his zone.

·         No more negotiating - it's a dumb deal.

·         It's a long road to hold.

·         All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet.

·         Perforation is a rip off.

·         What do you call a sleepwalking nun?  A Roaming Catholic.

Weight Lifting?

The father was doubtful of his son's sudden interest to become Charles Atlas. Nevertheless he went with the teenager to the weight-lifting department.  "Please, Dad," begged the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day...."  "I'm not so sure, Danny. You may lose interest in the equipment," his father was quick to point out.  "Ahhhh please, Dad?"  "Besides, it's quite an expense," the father added.  "I promise, Dad, I'll use them...."  Danny finally won, and his Dad paid for the equipment. As the father was leaving the department, he heard his son call out..."What! You mean I have to carry this stuff to the car?"

Today’s Thought

Somebody once told me: "Cheer up, things could be worse." So I cheered up and, sure enough, things got worse.

Friday's Funnies

Oops

Child at dinner table:  "Are caterpillars good to eat?"

Parent:  "No. Why would you ask a question like that?"

Child:  "Well, there was one in your salad, but it's gone now."

Pets on Planes

While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.  I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.  "I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.

Paid in Full

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched a number that was identical to hers.  When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.  “I've had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn't you change yours?”  The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.”  The company got a new number the next day.

Management Smarts

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you." Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

Promotional Opportunity

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

T-Shirt Slogans

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!"

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

"FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

Future Nutritionist

During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the "Children's Moments Sermon." One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example. He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation. Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, "If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?" A shy six-year-old raised his hand. "Six less grams of fat," he replied.

Reality Check

Father:  "Son, you need to be more industrious. After all, when Abraham Lincoln was your age he was out splitting rails."

Son:  "I know, Dad. And when he was your age, he was President."

How To Keep The Office Interesting

~ Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

~ Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

~ Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

~ Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

~ Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $25 each.

~ Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

~ Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

~ Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

~ Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Two Kids

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Ticket

Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the train. He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs into a problem rider.  One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his ticket to be punched.  "Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling.  "Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler sarcastically.  "Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed him.  "What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger.  Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket."

Today’s Thought

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Friday's Funnies

Newspaper Headline Chuckles

- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Needy

- British Union Finds Dwarves in Short Supply

- Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

School Theater

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.  Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."  "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Roughhousing

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

The Cure

Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."

Overheard

My parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

Engine Trouble

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.  A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.  "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

Priest’s Collar

A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.  A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.  When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"  The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

Warning Sign

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later, he calls the desk and says, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?" The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?" The person says, "Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

Appropriate Signs

• Non-smoking area — If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
• Maternity door — Push 3 times.
• Car dealer — Best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment.
• Muffler shop — No appointment needed, we hear you coming.
• Vet's office — Be back in five minutes, Sit, Stay.
• Electric Company — We would be Delighted if you send in your payment. If you don't, you will be.

Revenge
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.  The judge was delighted. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court. Now please sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

Deer Season

The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

Today’s Thought

If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.

Friday's Funnies

Time to Go

A woman was instructing the new maid on the great care required in handling certain valuable household objects. She pointed into the dining room and said with great pride, "That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth."  "Oh, that's nothing," the maid interjected. "My whole living-room set goes back to Sears the fifteenth."

What's Your Secret?

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular! Your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"  Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered!"

Useful Metric Conversions

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

365.25 days = 1 Unicycle

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

10 monologs = 5 dialogues

5 dialogues = 1 decalogue

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

2 wharves = 1 paradox

100 Senators = not 1 decision.

Retail Experience

Rossi was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Abe for a recently advertised salesman role.  Rossi looked at Abe's resume and noticed that Abe had never worked in retail before.  Rossi said to Abe, "For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."  "Well, I suppose I am," Abe replied, "but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing." 

Heaven

The Sunday school teacher asked her preschool class, "How many of you would like to go to Heaven?"  All the children raised their hands except Tommy. The teacher asked Tommy why he wouldn't like to go to Heaven.  Tommy answered, "I'm sorry, but I can't. My mother told me to come right home after Sunday school."

"My car!"

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“NO!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex! My Rolex!”

Name Game

My friend's habit of associating a person's name with something familiar in order to remember it recently caused a social disaster. She had been introduced to a Hazel Johnson at a gathering. Sometime later, they met again. My friend recognized the woman but forgot her name. She did, however, recall associating the name, and impulsively greeted her new acquaintance with, "I'm so sorry, I can't recall your name. But I distinctly remember you as some kind of nut!"

Pedal To The Metal

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing across his scalp. "Amazing," he thought, pushing the pedal even more. But then, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" So he pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding — a reason I've never before heard — I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused, then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." After a brief pause to reflect, the Trooper said, "Have a good day, Sir."

Today’s Thought

I really didn't mean to push all your buttons. I was just looking for mute.

Friday's Funnies

Elderly Woman’s Request

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.  In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

How Practical

My wife was grading a science test at home that she had given to her elementary-school class and was reading some of the results to me. The subject was the human body, and the first question was: "Name one of the major functions of your skin." One child wrote: "To keep people who look at you from throwing up."

Headlines

The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing editorial with an enormous headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS." Many local politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS."

Word Play

1. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

2. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

3. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

4. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

5. A hole was found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking in to it.

6. A sign on the lawn of a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

7. A backward poet writes in-verse.

8. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

9. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Little Pane

A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message.   It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us are called to help make up the whole picture of life (the family of God). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.  And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane."  And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."  It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard. 

You Might Be In Education If…

~ You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

~ You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"

~ You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

~ You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.

~ When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

~ You have no time for a life from August to June.

~ You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

~ You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

~ You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.

~ Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question: "Why is the kid like this?"

~ You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."

The Horn

One day while driving with my 4 year old daughter, I beeped the horn by mistake.  She turned and looked at me for an explanation.  I said, "I did that by accident."  She replied, "I know that....'cause you didn't say YOU JERK afterwards!"

Paranoid

A man keeps having horrible paranoid feelings that someone was hiding under his bed.  He finally goes to a psychiatrist. He tells the doctor that he just knows there is someone hiding under his bed at night. He says that whenever he gets the courage to look under the bed, he doesn't see anyone, but feels the person has probably climbed on top of the bed. So, while he's never seen the person, he knows he is there.  The psychiatrist says, "This sounds like a very deep-seated problem. It'll probably take some intense therapeutic sessions, at least once or twice a week for a year or two to resolve the matter."  The man said, "How much will this cost?"  The doc says, "$150 per session."  The man gulps and says, "Doc, let me think about it."  A couple of weeks later the man bumps into the doctor on the sidewalk and says, "Hey, doc. Good news! I'm cured, and it only cost me $10."  The psychiatrist was stunned and asked, "That's amazing. How is that possible?"  The man says, "I was telling my ol' granny about my problem and she said, "Why, honey, just cut the legs off the bed!" 

Vow Of Poverty

A burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for money." The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."

Today’s Thought

I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"

Friday's Funnies

Smarty

Father: "Son, you need to be more industrious.  After all, when Abraham Lincoln was your age he was out splitting rails."

Son: "I know, Dad. And when he was your age, he was President."

Ten-Thousand Roaches

A woman called up a pet store and said, "Send me ten-thousand cockroaches at once."  "What in the world do you want with ten-thousand cockroaches?" asked the clerk.  "Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the place in the same condition I found it."

Water Issues

A guide is showing a Texan the majestic Niagara Falls. "I'll bet you don't have anything like that in Texas!" "Nope, I reckon we don't," said the Texan. "But we've got plumbers who could fix it."

Predictions

Johnny:  "Do you think people can predict the future with cards?"
Jimmy:  "My mother sure can. She takes one look at my report card and tells me exactly what will happen when Dad gets home."

How to Get On in Life

"Tell me how to get on in life," said the kettle.

"Take panes," said the window.

"Never be led," said the pencil.

"Do a driving business," said the hammer.

"Make light of everything," said the fire.

"Make much of small things," said the microscope.

"Never do anything offhand," said the glove.

"Just reflect," said the mirror.

"Be sharp," said the knife.

"Find a good thing and stick to it," said the glue.

Alpha Geese

On a crisp fall afternoon, my four-year-old son was helping rake leaves in the front yard of our farmhouse. I glanced up just in time to see a flock of geese flying over and pointed out how they flew in a formation shaped like a "V." He patiently watched them as they disappeared over the horizon and then turned to me and asked, "Do they know any other letters?"

Door Signs

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later, he calls the desk and says, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"  The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"  The person says, "Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it." 

Percentage

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Life Changes

Dear Grandson:

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. 

Love,

Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

Looking Back

One Sunday morning, a Sunday school teacher was teaching on how Lot's wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt.  One little boy raised his hand and said, "Yes, my mother looked back once while she was driving… and she turned into a telephone pole."

Today’s Thought

The mind is like a television...when it goes blank, it’s a good idea to turn off the sound.