Friday's Funnies

Cause and Effect

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation. "I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager. "Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?" He replied, "Autumn."

More Cause and Effect

"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!" I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was. "Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"

What Doctors Say (and what they're really thinking)

• "That's quite a nasty looking wound." (I think I'm going to throw up.)
• "This may sting a little." (Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)
• "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" (I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)
• "This should fix you up." (The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)
• "Everything seems to be normal." (Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.)
• "I'd like to run some more tests." (I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.)
• "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" (You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me...)
• "There is a lot of that going around." (That's the third one this week! I'd better learn something about this.)
• "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." (I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm off next week.)

Fishing

Two airheads go on a fishing vacation. They buy fancy equipment, rent a great cabin, bring enough food to feed a battalion, and start fishing.  They fish all week.  They catch exactly ONE fish.  Depressed, they go home with their paltry catch.  Airhead one: "Do you realize this one lousy fish cost us 1500 dollars?"  Airhead two: "Wow. Good thing we didn't catch more."

Age by Car Radio

Student: Every button is programmed to pop, rock, and rap -- except the oldies station for your parents.

Young Professional: Still programmed to rap, rock, and pop, plus the station that gives the traffic reports. As you approach your 30s, you'll probably also add the talk station that everyone at work talks about.

Established Professional: Will use the "scan" button until you hear the first pop tune you learned as a kid on the oldies station.

Approaching Middle Age: Thank goodness for "adult" pop, rock, and soul; will actually listen to the oldies for a few tunes.

Truly Middle Age: It's not that you're old enough to listen to the oldies, it's just that they keep playing songs you know.

Approaching Retirement: The radio is either on the oldies or off.

Retired: Stopped listening to the radio -- that "oldies" station started playing all of this "new music."

How men and women record things in their diaries...

WIFE'S DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.  I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing..." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."  When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND'S DIARY:

A two-foot putt ... WHO misses a stupid two-foot putt!

Today’s Thought

Therapy is expensive. Popping that bubble wrap stuff is cheap. You choose. 

Friday's Funnies

Punny Riddles

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?

You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.

Why did the butcher make his sausages with meat at one end and corn meal at the other?

Because in hard economic times, it's difficult to make both ends meat.

Where do lawyers live?

In legal pads.

How do you make a skeleton laugh?

By tickling his funny bone.

When should baseball players wear armor?

When they play knight games.

What do clowns get paid?

Funny money.

Why did the robber take a bath?

To make a clean get away!

Wrong Advertising

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.  "I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."  "Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"  "Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.  However, you sent us some golf pencils ... each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

Y'Gotta Love the South !

Florida

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.  "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.  Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly, he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.  Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."  The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."   "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."  When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"  Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"  The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

South Carolina

A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.  A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.  The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."  The passerby asked, "But, what's with the flowers?"  The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it, neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"  The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

 The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'bout the South, but y'all never hear of anyone retirin' an' movin' North!

Oops

Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small town Ohio girl.  While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community.  The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.  With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse, "I never saw a cow until I met my wife."

Sounds

A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question. "Davey, what sound does a cow make?"  Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"  "Alice, what sound does a cat make?"  Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"  "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"  Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"  "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"  Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"

I can hear just fine!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"  "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."  And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Friday's Funnies

It's a Toss-Up

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked. "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game." "How long could that have taken you?" he asked. "Well, I had to toss it 140 times."

That Explains It

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"

Another airhead joke

An airhead was driving to California and saw a sign that said: Clean Restrooms Ahead. By the time she finally reached the coast, she had scrubbed and polished 68 of them.

Redneck Divorce

Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

Proper Wages

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.  "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."  "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board."  "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.  "Yeah," the farmer said. "This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."  "Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that man!"  "Speaking," said the farmer.

Wrong Attachment

Kathy, an RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Kathy was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview. Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

Engineer

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired, engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.  The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."  The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 - knowing where to put it $49,999.  It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Signs

Did I read that sign correctly? 

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Today’s Thought

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Friday's Funnies

Rank Has Privilege

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...."

CPU CPR

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down, it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, but it also made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined!" a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

Going Places

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter -- yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her. When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him." The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."

Keyed Up

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's this?" "Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity. "Well, what does it do?" they queried. "I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page. "WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool...but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?" "There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug." "Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted. "It doesn't need batteries either," she continued. "Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

The Three Laws of Secure Computing

1) Don't buy a computer.

2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.

3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

Strange Foreign Mistranslations into English

In a Belgrade elevator:  To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

A doctor's office in Rome:  Specialist in women and other diseases.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:  When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.

Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

In a Paris hotel elevator:  Please leave your values at the front desk.

Details

Aboard an airline flight from Europe to America, Grandma Bern was taking her very first flight.  They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.  The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.  When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. "The chewing gum worked fine," she said. "Now that we've arrived, would you tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

How to Simulate the Life of a Sailor

~ Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

~ Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

~ Repaint your entire house every month.

~ Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

~ Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

~ Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

~ Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

~ Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. 

~ Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

~ Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

~ Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

~ Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget-priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

~ Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

A Quiet Group

I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

Today’s Thought

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad.