Friday's Funnies

Modern Tools

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principle to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chain Saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

Message

Our kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through our daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with our daughter. That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever." And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start

Shreds of wisdom

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

6. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

7. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

8. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

9. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

10. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

11. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

12. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

13. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

14. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

18. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

19. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

20. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

21. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

22. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

AND . . . (drum roll please?)

24. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Today’s Thought

Have you noticed that when someone says "To make a long story short..." it's generally too late?

Friday's Funnies

Metric system

Despite never having adopted the metric system for day-to-day use, Americans are familiar with the basic units, like grams, kilograms, meters and such. But when it comes to lesser known units they’re clueless. To help the educational process along a bit …

* 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

* Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

* 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

* Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

* Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

* 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

* Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

* 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

* 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

* 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

* 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

* 52 cards = 1 decacards

* 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

* 10 rations = 1 decoration

* 100 rations = 1 C-ration

* 4 nickels = 1 paradigm

* 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

Translation Oops

A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.  When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."  The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."  One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"

The Third Biggest Lie

Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third biggest lie -- right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:

- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock."

- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height."

- "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."

- "You don't look a day over 40."

- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study."

- "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."

- "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same."

- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take care of it myself."

- "Your hair looks just fine."

- "Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there."

- "You don't need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee."

Flowers

A forgetful husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their wedding anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, and provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates, along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."  His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day when he came home he saw a bouquet, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

Forgetful

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.   "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there; so I really need your help. What can I do?"   The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

Taxes Defined

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing something right.

Book

I've been reading a book all week called "Anti-Gravity"...I just can't put it down!

Friday's Funnies

Paying Taxes

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."  "Thank God," returned the taxpayer. "I thought you were going to want cash."

Automation

A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and then watched helplessly as the cup failed to appear -- a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.  "Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"

Threatening Letters

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury.  "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."  "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"  "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those guys down at the Internal Revenue Service."

Oops

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.  He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.  Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.  He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.  The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.  Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'  'Why?' asked the pilot.  'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'  The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Hoped For Tithe Deductions

7. Wardrobe replacement credit for wear and tear on all church attire

6. Home mortgage payment if a minimum of two church-related fellowships are hosted in any given month

5. 3/4 cent credit for each grueling mile to and from all church activities, including church softball, bingo, and any rummage sales held at or by a church

4. 20 percent credit for all materials purchased at a Christian bookstore

3. $500 for perfect Sunday attendance

2. Additional $500 for perfect attendance and choir participation

1. Another $500 for perfect attendance and on-key choir participation.

Amazed

When Mary was pregnant, her five-year-old son, Billy, was utterly amazed and a little bit disbelieving that his sister was growing in his mom's tummy. So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick. But when he did, the baby was suddenly still. "Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged his mother. "A nap?" Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too?"

Meaning of the BIBLE

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"  His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?  The son replied, "I do know!"  "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"  "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'”

Procrastinate

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.  "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."  The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Fear Not

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.  The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."  Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.  He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

Writing ambitions

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.  When asked to define “Great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”  He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Silk Worms

Did you hear about the two silk worms who were in a race?  They both ended up in a tie.

Today’s Thought

My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.

Friday's Funnies

Husband goes Shopping

A woman says to her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

The Golfing Preacher

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do ... play golf or give the Sunday service. Shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant, told him he was sick and asked the assistant to take care of the Sunday church service for him. He packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.  He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive, straight as an arrow, four-hundred yards right to the green, where it gently rolled into the cup.  A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "I did. Think about it -- who can he tell?"

Explanations of Instructions

What it says: "Some restrictions apply"

What it means: "Somehow, some way, we'll find a way to exclude you."

What it says: "May cause drowsiness"

What it means: "Expect a sudden bout with narcolepsy while you're driving to work."

What it says: "Some assembly required"

What it means: "Take the day off and borrow your neighbor's 2,000-piece tool kit. Don't make any other plans for the day."

What it says: "Batteries not included"

What it means: "Batteries do not come with this product, and you're going to have to buy them yourself. Moreover, it uses unique batteries that you won't find anywhere but a specialty store, where you'll pay twice as much for them."

Philosophy Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.  The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."  Fingers flew, erasers erased, and notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class, however, was up and finished in less than a minute.  Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two

words:  "What chair?"

Newspaper Upgrade

I was visiting with my daughter last night when I asked if she had an old newspaper. "This is the 21st century," she said. "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad." I can tell you this: That fly never knew what hit him.

The History Buff

A tour bus arrived at Runnymede, England. The guide asked the tourists to gather around and then said, "You are standing on the very spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." A man in the group asked, "When did that happen?" "1215," the guide answered. The tourist looked at his watch, "Rats!" he said, "Missed it by half an hour."

My travel plans for 2013

• I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
• I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
• I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
• I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
• I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
• I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
• Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
• One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
• I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

Borrow the car

A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car.  Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God had given him two feet.  Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the accelerator."

Today’s Thought

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time.