Friday's Funnies

Coronavirus

I know a great joke about Coronavirus, you probably won't get it though.

Having Children

The comments of an experienced mother: "Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children...  Now I have six children and no theories!"

Fax Hint

As a professor at the Air Force Institute of Technology, I taught a series of popular courses on software engineering. The program was highly competitive and difficult to get into, but one student made our decision whether to accept him quite simple.  When asked to fax over his college transcript, the student told me, "Well, I would, but it's the only copy I have."

DEA Officer

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday and said, "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."  I said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."  The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"   Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish - on ANY land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear?"  I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull in the field. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer. The officer was clearly terrified."  I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs, "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

Baby Talk

What your baby would tell you if he could talk:
1. I have my blankie, you have your caffeine. Enough said.
2. Don't be jealous, but I think I'm in love with the ceiling fan.
3. I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you.
4. To you, it's just an empty egg carton; to me it's PlayStation 4.
5. Actually, I don't mind sitting in a bathtub that I've peed in.
6. Bang a screwdriver slowly and steadily into your gums. That's what teething feels like.
7. Two words I'd rather not hear from you: rectal thermometer.
8. There's no point in teaching me to say "mama" or "dada." My first word is going to be "hat."
9. I've told you five times what cow says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling you again.
10. There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.
11. I'm not just wildly throwing my food. I'm exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass, and testing wind velocity.
12. If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.
13. Who's that baby in the mirror you keep asking me about?
14. Who are you two to tell me how important it is to sleep alone?

15. What you secretly believe is true: I am much smarter than other babies.

Fractured History

During the Revolutionary War, there was a small encampment of patriot soldiers the woods. Before they went to bed that night, they tied chickens (they were saving them for a special meal when needed) to the trees around the campground. Sure enough, some British soldiers were stumbling through the woods that night and frightened the chickens. Their screams and clucks woke the Patriots and they were able to defeat and capture the entire group of British soldiers. A few nights later, the cook prepared the chickens for dinner. The soldiers said, "This is really good. What do you call it?" The chef said that in honor of these special chickens who saved their lives, he called it "Chicken Catch a Tory."

Wit & Wisdom

·         Don't be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones tend to take care of themselves. — Dale Carnegie

·         If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. — Mark Twain

·         I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. — Winston Churchill

·         In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one part of the citizens to give to the other. — Voltaire (1764)

Grammar: Too Good

I work at a large company and we often get wrong numbers on the office phones. My cube-neighbor, Steve, is in the habit of answering all of his calls on speakerphone, which means I have the pleasure of hearing them. Yesterday morning, his phone rang and he picked up, saying "[name of company], this is Steve.." The woman on the other end said "Who is this?" Steve said, "With whom did you wish to speak?" There was a long pause and the woman said, "Did you just say WHOM?" Steve: "Yes I did..." Woman: "I have the wrong number." Click.

First Car

Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.  A curious neighbor wandered over and asked - from a distance - if he was going to have a garage sale.  "No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date. He'll be taking the car out soon to pick up the girl."  "So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.  "Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."

Today’s Coronavirus Thoughts

-         If you bought 30 rolls of toilet paper, then you owe your church 3 rolls. Tithing is not cancelled.

-        Some people aren't shaking hands because of Coronavirus. I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.

Friday's Funnies

Taxes

It disgusts me the way some people cheat on their income taxes. This is NOT the kind of world I want to raise my 23 dependents in!

Calving lesson

A city kid went to his grandpa's farm for the weekend. He tagged along as Pa did what had to be done around the place, taking it all in.  Then Grandpa came across a cow having trouble calving. He didn't know how the whole process would be taken in by the six-year-old, but had no option but to get on with the job of assisting the birth.  When the calf had been 'pulled' and the cow was happily cleaning it up, Pa asked the boy if he had any questions about what he had just seen.  At first the kid seemed overwhelmed by the experience, but finally asked, "Just how fast was that calf going when it hit the cow's behind?"

Gym memberships

The gyms have a special name for people who sign up in early January and then don't go: Profit.

You Know You Are Living in 2020 When...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have email addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone
is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Observations on Growing Older

-          Going out is good. Coming home is better!

-          When people say you look "great"... they add "for your age!"

-          When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now, as a senior, you get discounts on everything — movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

-          You forget names. But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

-          The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

-          Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

-          Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

-          You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

-          When GOOGLE, iPod, email, modem were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

-          Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 p.m.

-          You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

-          What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

-          Everybody whispers.

-          Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd find a job!

-          You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet...2 of which you will never wear.

-          Seen it all. Done it all. Can’t remember most of it.

Light Bulb Jokes

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb can only change if it wants to.

How many software technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But it takes at least three light bulbs.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
That's not funny.

How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Oh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon. Like, no way!

You Won’t Believe This

A man was driving down the highway late one night when his minivan broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamborghini Countach pulls up.  "Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the minivan driver.  "I can do better than that," the man driving the Countach replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."  They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev its engine to get the Countach to race. The Countach revs its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.  The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countach were driving down the road doing about 120 with a minivan honking its horn and flashing its lights trying to pass them!"

Today’s Thought

No matter how hard you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Friday's Funnies

Graffiti

I went to see the doctor this morning. "Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.  "So why are you telling me?" the doctor asked.  "I couldn't understand the writing," I replied. "Was it you?"

Quickest Way to the Lake

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked, "What is the quickest way to the lake?"  The local thought for a while. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the tourist.  "I'm driving."  "That's the quickest way."

The New Baby

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. "It's no use," Robbie said. "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

Briefs

-          When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

-          When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

-          If you answer the phone with, "Hello? You're on the air!" most telemarketers will hang up.

-          A professor gathered the papers after a test and found a $100 bill attached to one of them with a note saying: "A dollar per point." When the professor returned the graded tests, the student got $64 change.

-          Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

Watching Your Language

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. On a more positive note, though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

Quartet Singer

A little boy said to his mother, "When I grow up I want to be a quartet singer." His mother said, "Make up your mind. You can't do both."

DC Think

A group of Congressmen were playing a trivia board game one night. When it one representative's turn, he rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature." His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" He thought for a moment and then asked, "Is it on or off?

The Tax Notice

A taxpayer received a strongly-worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

Whose Fault?

A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom." "How do you know?" "Easy. She didn't say anything."

My Job History

-          My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

-          Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

-          After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.

-          Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

-          I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

-          Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

-          I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

-          My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

-          I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

-          Next was a job in a shoe factory - I tried but I just didn't fit in.

-          I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

-          I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

-          I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

-          So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

-          After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

-          So, then I retired...and found out I was perfect for the job!

Formal Letter

At the end of last semester, a fellow student complained about how he failed the English course.  The teacher invited him to write a formal letter of complaint to the principal.  I glanced at his letter to see how it was going.  His first sentence read, "Dear Principle, it is infair and unposible that I faled english."

Today’s Thought

The brain is amazing. It begins from the time we are born and works 24 hours a day 365 days a year right up to the time you get up to speak in public.