Friday's Funnies

Easter Sunday

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"  "I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"

Hearing Problem

"Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing."

"I'll have my nurse make an appointment for her, but in the meantime, there's a simple, informal test you can run to give us an idea how bad the problem is. Here's what you do:  start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So the husband moves to the other end of the room and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room. "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the fifth time, Harry, CHICKEN!"

Senior Moment

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized that I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot.

My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion: her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessing that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all. "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice. "Ken," she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."  Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!"

The Visitors

Suzi, my cousin, was telling me about an evening service at the church we've both attended for years. She and her husband usually sat in the back, but this time they moved up front to be sure to hear the Scripture reading. They sat beside a long-time church member who cheerfully said, "Good to have ya with us! Where y'all from?" Taken by surprise, Suzi mumbled, "The back."

Whatever the Customer Wants

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer, who was walking out the door, and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?" "Rain."

Good Answer

I was helping out with a tennis camp for little kids. At the beginning, the tennis pro running the event was talking about a good sportsmanship. He asked "Can anyone tell me what a good sport is?" This cute little 5-year-old raised his hand, got called on, and said "baseball."

Humorous Headlines

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Friday's Funnies

Customer Satisfaction

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."  Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer, who was walking out the door, and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."  Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"  "Rain."

Wedding One-liners by the Famous

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There’s water in the carburettor’. I said, ‘Where’s the car?’ She said, ‘In the lake’. (Henny Youngman)

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)Wedding Toasts

All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

Tongue twisters

See if you can do this. Read it out loud, as fast as possible without mistakes.

[It's supposedly Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twisters--yeah, right]

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is loser cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word, in each line from the start.

Seen this?

I had trouble with the idea of turning 50 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, “Oh no, have you seen this?”  “What?” he asked. “The wrinkles?”

Cure for lateness

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.  After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.  So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night’s sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.  “Boss,” he said, “The pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!”  “That’s all fine,” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

Groaners

When they asked the two monocles why they never got together, they said they’d like to, but didn’t want to make spectacles of themselves.

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper pants, a paper shirt, paper boots, and wore a paper hat? The Sheriff arrested him for rustling.

One who runs in front of the car gets tired. One who runs behind gets exhausted.

A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I’m the chip monk!

A man put in 10 puns for a pun contest, hoping that at least one of them would win. But sadly, no pun in ten did.

Friday's Funnies

Salesman

One day a salesman stopped by the Jones farm, knocked, and Mrs. Jones came to the door.  “Is your husband home, Ma’am?” he asked.  “Sure is. He’s over to the cow barn.”  “Well, I got something to show him, Ma’am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?”  “Shouldn’t have any problem … He’s the one with the beard and mustache.”

A short history of medicine

Patient: “I have an ear ache.”
Physician:
2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

The Preacher and the Cab Driver

A preacher dies, and when he gets to heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more rewards. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation." The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?" The preacher says, "Well, once in a while someone fell asleep." The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

Redneck Lunch

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."  The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."  The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."  The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped too. The redneck opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his death also.  At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"  The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife.   "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He made his own lunch!"

How to Get Really Smart

A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marveled at the owner’s quick wit and intelligence.  ‘Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?’   ‘I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone, ‘Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear.’ But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.’  ‘You sell them here?’ the customer asks.  ‘Only $4 apiece’, says Simon.  The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.  ‘You didn’t eat enough, ‘says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.  ‘Hey, Simon, ‘he complains, ‘you’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you’re ripping me off!’  ‘You see?’ says Simon, ‘you’re smarter already.’

Funny Advice From Children

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, 10.

2. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. – Michael, 14.

3. Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. – Emily, 10.

4. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. – Taylia, 11.

5. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. – Traci, 14.

6. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9.

7. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9.

8. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. – Joel, 10.

9. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. – Alyesha, 13.

10. Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8.

MILITARY WISDOM

- If the enemy is in range, so are you. - Infantry Journal

- "You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - Infantry Sgt.

- "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Infantry Recruit

- "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him." - Infantry Journal

- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." - Unknown

- "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." -Multi-Engine Training Manual

- "Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club." - Unknown

- "If you hear me yell, 'Eject, Eject, Eject!' the last two will be echoes. If you stop to ask 'Why?', you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot." - Pre-flight briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot

- Never trade luck for skill. – Unknown

- As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

Today’s Thought

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Friday's Funnies

Distracted Driver

One afternoon, Karyn, my sister-in-law, was driving with her two little girls, Taylor and Tammy, in the back seat. After a few minutes of listening to them argue, Karyn yelled, "Knock it off, both of you!" Taylor, the eldest, asked, "How did you know what we were doing?" "Mommies have eyes in the back of their heads." Karyn replied. A few weeks later, the gang was again out driving, doing some errands. "Mommy," Taylor asked innocently, "do you still have eyes in the back of your head?" "Of course I do," Karyn responded. "Why do you ask?" "Well," she said, pointing to the object in her hands, "I thought maybe you could read us this book while you drive."

Actual Complaints to a Travel Agency

1. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

2. "The beach was too sandy."

3. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

4. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

5. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

6. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

7. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

8. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home."

9. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

10. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -- will we be OK staying there?"

11. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

12. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

13. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

14. "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

~ Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

~ Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop.

~ Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!

~ Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

~ Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingie.

~ Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

~ Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

~ Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

~ What's this doing here?

~ I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

~ Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

~ Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

~ Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

~ Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Arguments to Jesus' Ethnicity

My Cajun friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Cajun:

1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.

2. He could make his own wine.

3. He wasn't afraid of water.

My Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He used olive oil.

My California friend also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He had a beard.

2. He walked around barefoot or in sandals all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

My Irish friend then gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But, my women friends have the most compelling evidence that Jesus, though NOT a woman, certainly could relate to women:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And, even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.

Five Amusing Shop Signs

1. Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.

2. Tailor shop, Greece: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.

3. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

4. At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.  IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

5. Shipton-under-Wychwood in Oxon, UK has a local plumber whose van announces: ‘The Lone Drainer – he come pronto.’

Today’s Thought

If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them, it is like expecting a lion to not eat you because you don’t eat lion. 

Friday's Funnies

Quiz

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Punny Thoughts

- I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

- I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

- What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

- The primary responsibility for a child's education is apparent.

- For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

- The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop it a line.

- Her company distributes gift-boxed cashews, and she has a delivery guy that drives her nuts.

Simple as 1, 2 and 4

At a high school, a group of students played a prank: they let three goats loose inside the school.  But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the

goats: 1, 2, and 4.  School administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

Price Reduction

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50."  From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"

CHILDREARING Q&A

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?

A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A. So what's your question?

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?

A. Whatever she says divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?

A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?

A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?

A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A. When the kids are in college.

A Paradigm

What do you call it when you move two 10 cent coins from one pocket to the next?

A PARADIGM shift.

Tourists

A tour bus arrived at Runnymede, England.  The guide asked the tourists to gather around and then said, "You are standing on the very spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."  A man in the group asked, "When did that happen?"  "1215," the guide answered.  The tourist looked at his watch, "Rats!" he said, "Missed it by half an hour."

Funeral arrangements

While my parents were making pre-planning funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like.  “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.  Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

Good spelling

Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.  “Decipher is spelled with a ‘ph’, not an ‘f’,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program.”  A minute later his reply: “Must be dephective.”

Today’s Thought

Sleeping with the light on may cause obesity...Especially if it's the refrigerator light.