Friday's Funnies

Christmas one liners

 

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? 

 

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has NO “L”.

 

Christmas carols in the psych ward

1. SCHIZOPHRENIA -- Do You Hear What We Hear?
2. AMNESIA -- I Don't Know If I'll Be Home for Christmas.
3. NARCISSIST -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing All About Me.
4. MANIC -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants, and.....
5. MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER -- We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
6. PARANOID --- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me.
7. BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER -- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
8. FULL PERSONALITY DISORDER -- You Better Watch Out! I'm Gonna cry; I'm Gonna Pout! -- Maybe I'll Tell You Why.

9. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.....
10. AGORAPHOBIA -- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day, but Wouldn't Leave My House.
11. SENILE DEMENTIA -- Walking in a Winter Wonderland--Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe
12. OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER -- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, So I Burned Down the House.
13. SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER -- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
14. ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER -- We Wish You.. . . Hey Look!!! It's Snowing!!

 

Top Things Overheard on the Wise Men's Journey to Bethlehem

 

- "OK, we got gold. We got the frankincense. We got the myrrh. Think we should get something more practical, like diapers, maybe?"

 

- "I thought this was SUPPOSED to be a WEEKEND road trip.

Boy, is my wife ever gonna be ticked when I get home."

 

- "All this gazing at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy."

 

- "I still say it wouldn't hurt to drop by Balthazar's place for another visit on the way back. That was SOME buffet!"

 

- "16 hours a day on a camel. Are you sure this beats walking?"

 

- "Why should I always have to be in the rear? It's somebody else's turn to get sand in his face."

 

- "You guys have any idea how to treat saddle sores?"

 

- "Man, I'm starting to get a rush from this frankincense!"

 

- "You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like chicken."

 

- "You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem."

 

- "What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow? Phoenician?"

 

- "Hey, do either of you know why 'MYRRH' is spelled with a 'Y' instead of a 'U'?"

 

- "Okay, who forgot to give his camel a bath before we left?"

 

Christmas Riddles

 

Q. If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
A. Mistletoe!

Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Q. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A. Sandy Claus!

Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.

Q. What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A. Santa caught in a revolving door!

Q. If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A. A subordinate claus.

Q. What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A. Pour Santa flush on him.

Q. How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer, "Olive"?
A. Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."

Track Santa

 

Don’t forget to track Santa starting on Christmas Eve:  http://www.noradsanta.org/

Friday's Funnies

Too Many Videos

 

As we drove slowly through a scenic Texas park, my eight-year-old daughter spied a doe and her spotted twin fawns grazing under oaks just a few feet from the narrow pavement.  "Mom! Mom!" she cried, head swiveling as we passed. "Deer! Rewind!"

 

Car Trouble

 

Airhead: "Hey, can you come pick me up?  Car trouble again."

Friend: "OK. (sigh) What went wrong this time?"

Airhead: "It's the brakes."

Friend: "Well, I'll be right there.  Where are you?"

Airhead: "I'm in the drugstore."

Friend: "And where's the car?"

Airhead: "It's in here with me."

 

Snowstorm

 

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

 

PUN-ishment

 

Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

 

The Solution

When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers. Nevertheless they found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning "Alarm will sound if opened," failed to deter people from using it. One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: "Wet paint."

 

The Privileged Rich

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'" Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously. "What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" "I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

 

Police stop

 

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.  "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.  "I juggle them in my act."  "Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it."  The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch. "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

 

Best Responses if Found Asleep at Your Desk

 

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

 

Word Game

 

Give this PLENTY of thought, and don't cheat! See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Assess
Uneven

Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try... you'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. Go back and look at them again; think hard. OK... Here you go... hope you didn't cheat. This is so cool.

Answer . . . . .

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

Today’s Thought

 

One of the greatest labor-saving inventions of today is tomorrow.

Friday's Funnies

TOP POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS — EXCUSE ME, HOLIDAY — SONGS

 

9. Chestnuts Roasting on an Environmentally-friendly Fuel Source

8. Rudolph, the Endangered and Exploited Specie

7. We Three Politically Oppressive Patriarchs

6. Rocking Around the Recycled, Flame-retardant, Artificial Holiday Tree

5. All I Want For Christmas is a Dental Plan

4. Frosty the Snowperson

3. I'm Dreaming of a Racially Diverse Christmas

2. I'll Be Home For Ramadan (or Chanukah or Kwanzaa or Winter Solstice or . . .)

1. We Wish You a Non-sectarian Holiday

 

Sad But True

 

Back before Thanksgiving, the teacher asked the children in her class about the upcoming holiday. She thought it might be effective to inch toward its meaning by having them playfully correct some wrong statements. "Now let me think," she began. "Thanksgiving. That's the day when we think about all the stuff we have. And how we want more things than anybody else has. And how we don't care about anybody but ourselves. And ..." "No!" the preschool kids were starting to chorus! "No-o-o!" Then one little guy looked up and said, "That's not Thanksgiving. That's Christmas!"

Fourths?

Our culture is so dependent on technology, we don't even know how to count change back or do simple math any more. I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a sub shop the other day, and I asked the man to cut it into fourths. "I'm sorry, I can't," he said. "I already cut it in half."

The Getaways

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India. One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"

The Well-Wisher

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better." One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

Olympics Joke

 

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.  A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.  The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.  The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.  The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says: "Fencing."

 

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

"I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club."

Computer Term Dictionary

 

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
MacBook Air: Apple's Mac that makes you say, "Gee, it's three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago."
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.
GUI (pronounced "gooey"): What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

 

Speeding

 

A motorist was caught by a speed camera going 10 mph over the limit.  He received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.  Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.  In return, the police department sent another picture - of handcuffs.

His Reason

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," the boy said. "Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?" "Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

Patience Persists

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?" Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Dewey, I've been telling you for the last half hour... I'll be ready in a minute!"

Today’s Thought

 

I'm a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things at once