Friday's Funnies

The Accident

Husband's Message (by cellphone):  "Honey, I was involved in a car accident. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been making tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head was very severe. Fortunately, it seems that it didn't cause any serious injury. But I do have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot."   Wife's Response:  "Who is Paula?"

Pastor's Parking

A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning about four miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot. The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church and posted a sign that read, "You Park - You Preach."

Well, Now You Know

Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of an insurance policy with the clerk at the insurance agency. During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?" The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

Hospital Parking

The County Highway Commissioner was driving to the hospital for treatment of his painful knee injury, he decided to take advantage of the hospital's Valet Parking. As he exited his car, a young man with the Valet Parking Company came up and asks if this was a government vehicle. "Yes," the Commissioner replied, surprised by the question. "In fact it's an unmarked police car." "Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be the first time I've been in the front seat."

Punny Tweets

- The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
- No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
- I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.
- The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
- Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.
- The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
- Yesterday I accidentally swallowed food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
- I thought she had PMS, but she was just ovary acting.
- I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
- What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
- Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
- I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.

Middle East Assignment

A disappointed soft drink salesman returned from his Middle East assignment. His boss asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"  The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very sure to make a good sales pitch as our product was virtually unknown there. I didn't know to speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the message through three posters. My first poster was a man crawling through the hot desert sand, totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our soft drink and third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place".  "That should have worked," said the boss.  The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, but I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left."

The City That Never Sleeps

Our family was dazzled by the sights and the bustling crowds during a visit to Manhattan. "This is the city that never sleeps," I told my eleven-year-old daughter.  "That's probably because there's a Starbucks on every corner," she observed.

Why?

Why do we call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? If we do that we might as well be consistent and say "chicken-bird" sandwich.

 

Kids

 

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.  Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."  "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"  A little fellow shouted, "Cuz your feet ain't empty."

Puzzled

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.  As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.  "It sure is," I replied.  Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then toward the back of the van.   Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

Today’s Thought

You wouldn't be worried about what people think of you if you knew how seldom they actually do.

Friday's Funnies

School Daze

On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

How You Ask The Question

Pupil: "Teacher, can a fellow be punished for something he hasn't done?"
Teacher: "No, of course not."
Pupil: "That's good, because I haven't done my homework."

First Day of School

A child comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

Best-Selling Back-To-School Books

• "Walking To School The First Day Back" by Misty Bus
• "The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me" by I. Rhoda Bike
• "Can't See The Chalkboard" by Sidney Backrow
• "Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School" by Major Crackupp
• "What I Dislike About Returning To School" by Mona Lott
• "Making It Through The First Week Of School" by Gladys Saturday
• "Is Life Over When Summer Ends?" by Midas Welbee
• "What I Love About Returning To School" by I. M. Kidding
• "Will Jimmy Finally Graduate?" by I. Betty Wont
• "What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School" by U. Will Gettitt

The New Grandmother

As a new grandmother, I am very protective of my daughter Meredith's baby girl. One cool afternoon I dropped by to see my grandchild. Meredith and a friend had taken little Allison for a walk in her stroller and were just coming up the street. As soon as they reached me, I bent down to admire Allison and, in my fussiest voice, remarked, "Your little head is cold. You should have a hat on." My daughter looked knowingly at her friend and said, "You owe me ten bucks."

Shopping With Grandma

Little Johnny was shopping with Grandma. One of the things she tossed in the cart was a package of pantyhose. He sounded out the words "Queen Size" and exclaimed, "Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"

If They Had a Doting Mother

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

Today’s Thought

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.