Friday's Funnies

I Know Something.....

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."  Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"  He replied, "They're all nocturnal."

Punny One-liners

-        Dogs can't operate MRI scanners, but catscan.

-        Our mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.

-        Turning Vegan would be a missed steak.

-        Well, to be Frank I'd have to change my name.

-        Ban Shredded Cheese. Make America Grate again.

-        I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

-        Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

-        Irony is the opposite of wrinkly.

Christmas Signs

-        From a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

-        In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

-        Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

-        From a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

-        In a Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras: $70,000. Three for $200,000.

-        A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

-        In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything: A calendar to remind him when payments are due."

Devious, But Effective!

It was Christmas day, and we had all gathered for the holiday meal at the home of my husband's parents. After dessert, my mother-in-law left the table and returned carrying a bowl filled with slips of paper. Each adult was instructed to take one. Excited, we did so, wondering what surprise she had thought up for us. My slip of paper instructed me to dry the dishes; another person was told to wash them. Others had to do pots and pans. Then, with all the parents out of the way, grandma and grandpa went into the living room and enjoyed their grandchildren.

Christmas Shopping Fun-Liners

-        When my wife is Christmas shopping, her philosophy is "I came .. I saw .. I bought..."

-        I always have a white Christmas. I see the bills and I turn white.

-        It's terrible. You fight the crowds, stand in line, and pay an outrageous price just to give a present to someone who says, "You didn't have to do that."

-        One department store has an exciting Christmas special. If you spend $500 in one day, they'll tell you where they hid the bathroom.

-        It's the First Law of Christmas Shopping: When your kids are old enough to appreciate getting clothes as gifts, it's cheaper to buy toys.

Dog's Rules for Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog cuddles.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree.
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree.
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree.
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open.
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and cleans. Don't eat off the buffet table. Beg for goodies subtly. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your spot on the sofa -- they don't know any better. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach unless you can get away with it.

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses (4a is particularly important). Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house. Be nice to the kiddies. Turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!

New Year's Resolutions

·        My new year’s resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I'm going to be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it.

·        If you make a New Year's resolution to eat a healthy diet, and you keep it, you won't actually live longer, but it will seem longer.

·        Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

·        My new year's resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to Auld Lang Syne.

·        A new year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

Today’s Thought

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

Friday's Funnies

Top Ten Excuses The Innkeeper Had

10. Roman's "Stay Free" promotion a bit too successful

9.  Wife said he couldn't accept wood carvings as payment anymore

8.  Too busy getting new "Motel One" franchise going

7.  Last pregnant lady riding a donkey took all their towels

6.  Filled up for the "Caesar Impersonators'" convention

5.  Didn't accept the Judean Express Card

4.  Last room left was by the ice machine

3.  Nazareth Shriners tore up the place the night before

2.  Closed front desk early to take family to watch unique star.

1.  No last names, no service

DNA Results

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.  Husband: What's up?  Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid...  Husband: Well you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped. You said, "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here." So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.  Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.

On the Scale

When children come into the doctor's office where I work, it's my job to weigh and measure them.  After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened three-year-old on the scale, her mother said: "Honey, Mommy has a scale at home. Do like I do and stand on it."  Recognition dawned on the child's face and she confidently stepped on the scale, looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, no!" 

Puns

Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.

Watching a Rocket

A couple of birds were watching a rocket take off from Kennedy Space Center.  "Wow," said one, "look how fast he flies." The other replied, "You'd fly like that too it your tail was on fire."

Noah

Johnny: "Do you think Noah did a lot of fishing while he was on the Ark?"  Sonny: "No. How could he, with just two worms."

Insurance Laughs

Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes found by a UK insurance company:

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?

A: Traveled by bus?

A customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:

Q - What warning was given by you?

A - Horn.

Q - What warning was given by the other party?

A - Moo.

"On the M6 motorway I moved from the center lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."

"I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker."

"No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened."

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."

Baseball In Heaven

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team's game. They promised whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.  One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did.  He said to Bob, "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There IS baseball in heaven."  Bob said, "That's the best news!"  Then Earl said, "Time for the bad news...you're pitching tomorrow night."

Today’s Though

A snowman asked his friend what she thought of carrot cake. The friend replied, “It tastes like boogers.”

Friday's Funnies

Weather Report

Just before leaving the North Pole on Christmas Eve to deliver gifts to children around the world, Santa asked Mrs. Claus about the local weather forecast. Mrs. Claus responded, "Looks like rain, Dear!"

Garden Gnome

A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. "What are you?" asks the cat.  "A gnome," comes the reply. "I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?"  The cat replies, "Um, I'm a gnome."

A Few Punny One-liners

Dogs can't operate MRI scanners, but catscan.

Our mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.

Turning Vegan would be a missed steak.

Well, to be Frank I'd have to change my name.

Ban Shredded Cheese. Make America Grate again.

For chemists, alcohol is not a problem, it's a solution.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

Irony is the opposite of wrinkly.

Heaven

A husband and wife had each died and gone to Heaven. As they were walking the streets of heaven one day the husband couldn't get over how beautiful everything was - the presence of God, all the angels and choirs, and all the colors.  Finally, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, do you recall down on earth how you had us eat all that healthy food stuff? You know, no fried chicken, no gravy, no sugar?"  The wife said, "Yes."  The husband replied, "Do you realize we could have been here about 10 years earlier if you wouldn't have done that?"

At The Gym

An older man, not in the best physical condition, goes to the local gym. Once dressed in his exercise clothes, he approaches a trainer in the gym. “I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use?”  The trainer took one look at him and with a smile replied, “Use the ATM machine outside!”

Interview

I went for an interview at a big IT company today for the position of Computer Hacking Investigator. The boss asked me, "So, what makes you suitable for this job?" "Well," I replied, "I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview!"

Government Employee's Three Wishes

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
POOF!
A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where I can have total peace and solitude."
POOF!
Suddenly he is on an island with no one around to place demands on his time. Absolute leisure has finally come without conditions. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF!
He's back in his government office.

Funeral Expenses

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats."

God's Wit Is Astounding

When a man gets into a conversation with God, he decides to try his luck with him to see if he can get ahead. Little did he know just how witty the creator himself really is... A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when decided to talk to God. "God, He said, "How long is a million years?" God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute." The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?" God answered, "To me, it's a dime." The man then asked, "God, can I have a dime?" "In a minute."

Today’s Thought

I entered my first marathon and finished first! Two steps into it I stubbed my toe and finished, first.

Friday's Funnies

I Love Thanksgiving

Some people REALLY love Christmas, but I love Thanksgiving.  Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving.  Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department!

Turkey Carving

A surgeon was invited to Thanksgiving dinner at a friend's house.  The host deftly carved the turkey and said, "I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"  The surgeon replied: "Anybody can take it apart.  Let's see you put it back together again."

Thanksgiving Weather Summary

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Top Ten Thanksgiving-themed Movies

10. "To Kill A Walking Bird"
9. "My Best Friend's Dressing"
8. "The Texas Coleslaw Massacre"
7. "Casserolablanca"
6. "Silence of the Yams"
5. "I Know What You Ate Last Winter"
4. "White Meat Can't Jump"
3. "All the President's Menu"
2. "When Harry Met Salad"
1. "The Wing and I"

Good Question

A lady was looking for a turkey for her Thanksgiving dinner but couldn't find one big enough. She asked the store's stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No, ma'am," he responded. "They're dead."

Reasons to be Thankful You Burnt the Bird

-        Salmonella won't be a concern.

-        Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.

-        Uninvited guests will think twice next year.

-        Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.

-        Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.

-        No one will overeat.

-        The smoke alarm was due for a test.

-        Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.

-        You'll get to the desserts even quicker.

-        After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.

-        You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches

Being Thankful

The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. "You must have picked up a ton of groceries today," a customer said to the checker. "How can you stay so pleasant?" "We can all count our blessings," the clerk replied. "The hardest part of this job is the turkeys and the watermelons. I just thank God that Thanksgiving doesn't come in July."

Actual Interactions from the Butterball Help Line

·        When a Butterball staffer asked a caller what state her turkey was in (meaning how thawed was it) the caller said, "Florida."

·        A disappointed woman called Butterball wondering why her turkey had no breast meat. After conversing with the operator, it became apparent that the woman's turkey was lying on the table upside-down.

·        A man called to say he cut his turkey in half with a chain saw and wanted to know if the oil from the chain would adversely affect the turkey.

Football Season

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

The Perfect Turkey

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the legs for dinner and there were never enough for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together: "Well I finally did it. I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know" said the farmer. "I could never catch the crazy thing!"

Today’s Thought

He ate so much over the holiday weekend he decided to quit cold turkey. 

Friday's Funnies

Speeding

Cop: You know how fast you were going?

Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.

Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.

Guy: Yea, that's how far behind I am.

Reasonable Fee

A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"  The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."  "A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive, isn't it?"  "It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"

Righteous Golf

Four priests in New York went golfing wearing typical "golfer" outfits.  After a while, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?" Easy," said the caddy. "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."

Customary Charges

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer:  "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.'  "If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.'  "If his eyes still don't flutter, you add ...'Each.'"

Spell checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight for it to say
Weather I am wrong or write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose before two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
Am shore your pleased to no
It's letter perfect all the weigh
My chequer toiled me sew!

Good Golf

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"
The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."
The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today." '
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"  The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

Pregnancy and Women: Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now, when will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

Today’s Thought

Thank the Lord for Facebook & Instagram. Otherwise I’d have to call 674 people every day to tell them I just went to the gym.

Friday's Funnies

Psychiatrist

A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog. "It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post any more."  "Okay," said the psychiatrist. "Lie down on the couch."  The man replied, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Aging

Reporters were interviewing a 104-year-old woman. "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.  She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Walmart

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

3. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

4. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

5. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

6. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

7. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

8. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

9. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

10. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Weight loss

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

Disorder in the American Courts

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

Driver’s License Renewed

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.  The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.  He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."  The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Today’s Thought

You know you've reached middle age when you when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. 

Friday's Funnies

How To Remember Family Dates

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on the screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked. "Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

Pondering Pounds

One of life's mysteries is how a one-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

Exciting Trip

I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped into a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs (13 to be exact). I was bruised and bleeding and had torn my jeans. But, of course, my main concern was for my child. My fears were quickly alleviated, though, when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"

Hiccups

A man came into the pharmacy and said to the technician, "Do you have anything that will stop hiccups?"  The tech leaned over the counter and slapped the man's face.  The man said "What did you do that for?"  The tech replied, "Well, you don't have any hiccups now, do you?"  The man replied, "I never did. I came in for my wife out in the car."

Percentage

I was told that 70% of the population is unintelligent. I'm obviously with the other 40%.

Renter

A person calls a pet store: "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches, at once."

Astonished clerk: "What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?"

Caller: "I'm moving out today, and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."

Natural Born

In one of K.C.'s classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.  In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. K.C. and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Bank Teller

First man: I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller.

Second man: I thought they just hired a new teller last week.

First man: Right. That's the one they're looking for.

Aging

A retired couple are sitting together at home, getting cuddly; he takes off his glasses & moves closer.

She: "Sweetie, without your glasses, you still look like that handsome young man I married."

He: "Well, Honey, without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

The Computer Swallowed Grandma - This is a tribute to all the Grandmas and Grandpas who have been fearless and learned to use the computer.

The computer swallowed grandma.

Yes, honestly it's true!

She pressed 'control' and 'enter'

And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,

The thought just makes me squirm.

She must have caught a virus

Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the Recycle Bin

And files of every kind;

I've even used the Internet,

But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Google

My searches to refine.

The reply from him was negative,

Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'

My Grandma you should see,

Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her

And send her back to me!

Today’s Thought

Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.

Friday's Funnies

Halloween Q&A

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite.

Whom did the ghost invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up.

How can you send mail to skeletons?
Bony Express

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.

How did the ghost repair his sheet?
With a pumpkin patch.

Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
They're a bunch of no bodies.

When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone.

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.

Legitimate Questions For Seniors

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Just Sign Here

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Meeting Schedule

Mr. Frobisher always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four-thirty on Friday afternoons. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. "I will tell you why. I've learned that's the only time of the week when nobody wants to argue with me."

Off Balance

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me.

Tying a Tie

Shortly after reporting to the 101st Airborne Division, we were ordered to fall out in our dress uniforms. Only problem was, I didn't know how to tie a necktie. So I asked the guy in the next bunk for help. Sure," he said. "Lie down."  Confused, I lay down on the bunk and he tied my tie. "Sorry, but this is the only way I know how," he said. "Comes from practicing on my father's clients."  "What does your father do?" "He's a mortician."

Mr. Aging

As Mr. Aging was browsing through an old newspaper, he read aloud to his wife a news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do.  "It must be true," she said. "That's the second time you've read that article to me."

Silly Jokes

Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $6.30 now.

Today’s Thought

Sure worry works: 98% of the things I worry about don't happen.

Friday's Funnies

Trick Or Treat

The doorbell, rings, and a man answers it.  Here stands this plain but well-dressed kid, saying "Trick or Treat!"  The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween.  The kid says, "I'm from the government." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say, "Thank you."

Shampoo

I always used my shampoo to wash the rest of my body while in the shower. It was just easier to lather up my hair and use the extra suds on my body instead of soap.  Then I saw the words printed on my shampoo bottle "for extra volume and fullness." No wonder why I can't lose weight!  Now I'm using my dish soap in the shower. It's guaranteed to remove fat and other unwanted deposits that other soaps leave behind!

Silly Jokes

-        What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!

-        Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!

-        To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

-        What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom Broom

-        What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1

-        Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

-        I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

-        How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!

-        What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

-        A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.

The Boss

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss."  He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back."

Secret Formula

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.  He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....

Necklace

Tourist: "What an interesting necklace. What is it made of?"
Native: "Alligator's teeth."
Tourist: "I suppose they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
Native: "Oh no, no! Anybody can open an oyster."

Friends

When I was little I had imaginary friends and I used to play with them all the time. Actually, they were real people. I just imagined they were my friends.

My Dad Is Better Than Yours

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.   The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."  The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."  The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Proof You’re An Elementary School Teacher

~ Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

~ Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?

~ Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?

~ Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?

~ Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?

~ Do you ask, "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?

~ Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?

~ Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

Lesson Learned

A man had trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept saying chickens were noble creatures, and they had the right to go where they wanted.  The man had no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds.  He tried everything...  Two weeks later, a visiting friend noticed the flower beds were doing great!  They were blooming and beautiful.  So, the friend asked, "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"  "One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them.  I wasn't bothered after that."

Groaner

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there.  Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.  After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.  The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."  "I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"  Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."  She turned to the other Brother and says, "then you must be...?"  "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

Today’s Thought

When somebody says "This is a silly, childish game" you can bet somebody else is winning.

Friday's Funnies

Math

 The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.  She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"  Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Languages

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.  "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.  "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.  "Parlare Italiano?" No response.  "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.  The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."  "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Game Warden

A man was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.  The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"  "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."  "Pet fish?"  "Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."  "That's a bunch of bunk! Fish can't do that!"  The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."  "Okay, I've GOT to see this!"  The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"  "Well, what?" said the man.  "When are you going to call them back?"  "Call who back?"  "The FISH!"  "What fish?"

Anniversary Blunder

On their second anniversary, a husband sent flowers to his wife at the office.  He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2!" on the card.  She was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card: "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."

Fortune Teller

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.  "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."  "That's what you think," the man laughed. "I'm the father of THREE children."  The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"

Humans

1. My wife and I went through the McDonald's drive through window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.  Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c. She said, 'you gave me too much money.'  I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.' The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

2. We had to have the garage door repaired.  The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.  I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'  I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'  We haven't used that repairman since...

3. I live in a semi rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.  The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

4. My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

5. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,  'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'  To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'  He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

6. The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.  I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.  She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'  She is a government employee.....

7. When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it’s open!'  His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

Very Unimportant Facts

- Almonds are a member of the peach family.

- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

- Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

- February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

- In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

- If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

- If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

- Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

- On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Today’s Thought

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.