Friday's Funnies

Today marks 19 years since I started sending out Friday’s Funnies.  I don’t search for any material, I just file any jokes that come in by e-mail that I pull from each Friday.  It doesn’t take long to put together, but many have commented on how it reminds them to pray for us weekly.  And that is the motivation to continue!  Putting a smile on your face each Friday is a close second.  Enjoy, Stan

More Exercise

I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis.

Paid in Full

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that he had completed the work a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.  Hellooooo,…just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I  am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.  Hellooooo? It's been a year, so I told him they're paid for. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Passing the Test

Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

Optical Problem

I took my five-year-old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new glasses. The glasses were prescribed "to help him read and be able to see the computer better." When we got back home, he got on the computer to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was something wrong with his glasses. I asked him what was the problem and he said, "I still can't read."

Proofreading is a dying art

News headlines

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
Who wrote this?

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Good-for-nothing' lazy guys!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they large enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

Today’s Thought

Do not trust atoms. They make up everything.

Friday's Funnies

Being Prepared

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

The Test

Who is smarter, you or your dog? A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works... If you spend $19.98 for the video, your dog is the smarter one.

The Replacements

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?" Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Is It Fresh?

Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick. "How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter. She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks."

Unnecessary

A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child. "Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!" Just as she spotted the boy, she bumped into another customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to read. No sense in wasting your time trying to convince them."

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

• It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
• Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
• No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
• Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.
• Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
• An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
• Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

It Works In Church

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem. That night the pastor's phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, "Pastor, I can't sleep." "I'm so sorry to hear that," he comforted her. "But what can I do about it?" the pastor said. She sweetly replied, "Preach to me awhile, pastor."

Ten Rules for Good Housekeeping

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
3. When one room fills up with "storage," build on.
4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
5. Make the beds and do the dishes. Six months later you'll just have to start all over again.
6. To hang up more clothes, buy bigger door knobs.
7. Sweep the room with merely a glance.
8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

Today’s Thought

Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect to be paid back.

Friday's Funnies

Coffee

I sometimes just make my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Ironically when I do, I get halfway to work before I realize I left my car at home.

Fifty Gallons of Milk

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.  "I have a skin problem and the doctor prescribed a milk bath."  The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?"  She replied, . . . "No just up to my chin."

Talking Clock

A man was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," he replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the guy replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three friends stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"

Random Thoughts

·        A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired !

·        If you have an opinion about my life raise your hand now and put it over your mouth.

·        A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

·        The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

·        I would like to thank my arms for always being at my side, my legs for always supporting me and my fingers because I can always count on them.

·        Friends are like walls. Sometimes you lean on them and sometimes it's good just knowing they're there.

·        Love is like the wind — you can't see it, but you can feel it.

·        I wear glasses. Doesn't that mean that everything I see is an optical illusion?

·        I paid my psychiatrist with a reality check.

·        Do fisherman live in the reel world?

·        I may not be a great artist, but I am really good at drawing a blank.

·        A chrysanthemum by any other name ... would be easier to spell.

·        Some days the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.

·        I'm not too handy with tools. I once got my finger caught in a screwdriver.

Making It Clear

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer: "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.' If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.' If his eyes still don't flutter, you add ...'Each.'"

The Top 10 Signs Your Pastor Didn't Have Time To Study This Week

10. During the children's service he serves cake and ice cream.
  9. He tells the ushers to take the offering twice.
  8. He asks you to give a 20-minute testimony.
  7. During his pastoral prayer he prays for your government officials – listing every one of them, local, state and national – by name.
  6. He wears his reading glasses for the entire sermon.
  5. The sermon sounds eerily similar to one your heard Chuck Swindoll preach on the radio last Thursday.
  4. Instead of preaching he decides to show slides from his last vacation.
  3. Before preaching he takes 15 minutes reviewing last Sunday's sermon.
  2. Even he is falling asleep.
  1. If you didn't know better, you'd think he was lip-synching to Charles Stanley.

Should Be Obvious

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? Do you actually know? Well, I found out the other day so I will share it with you. She can't sit down.

Made In Japan

There was a Japanese man who went to the USA for some sightseeing. On the last day of his trip, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive him to the airport.  During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”  After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!”  And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”  The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet even though this continued for most of the ride. Finally, the taxi arrived at the airport. The fare was US $300. The Japanese exclaimed, “Why… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”

Taxi Jokes

- Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver.

- What’s worse than it raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!

Deck Praise

I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.  "Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."  Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"  She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"  She replied, "I said, wow, your neck's burnt!"

Today’s Thought

I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.

Friday's Funnies

New Year’s Resolutions

2015: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2016: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2017: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2018: I will work out 3 days a week.

2019: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

New Year's Observations

- A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

- My New Year's resolution is 1080p.

- I have only one resolution: to rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

- May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.

- Every year I make a resolution to change myself -- this year I'm making a resolution to be myself!

You Know You Are Living in 2019 When...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have email addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a website or text number at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up just now to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

15 Exercises We’d Be Better Off Without In 2019...

~ Jumping on the bandwagon                   

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles                        

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic

~ Spinning your wheels                               

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall      

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum                                          

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions                                           

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments                                          

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

~ Running with scissors

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said ' 2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing....... Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Went vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech….. Driving through a flashing red light.
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm...... Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's..... They are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

New Year's Wish

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count, and your mortgage interest not rise.  May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber, and the IRS. May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere during rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there, may you find a parking space.

Today’s Thought

My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.