Friday's Funnies

The Copycat

Bob deliberately sat behind the cleverest boy in the class and was accused of cheating and copying his answers from Billy. When Bob asked why the teacher thought this, she answered, "All of your answers are the same, apart from question 2 where Billy wrote, ‘I don't know the answer,' and you wrote, ‘neither do I."

Texting Elderly

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cellphones. The wife was a romantic type, and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.  One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, so she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."  The husband texted back to her: "I'm using the bathroom. Please advise."

Huh?

Reputedly this is an actual classified ad from a San Francisco newspaper: "To all you hunters who kill animals for food, shame on you; you ought to go to the store and buy the meat that was made there, where no animals were harmed."

Forgiveness

"Why do you keep talking about my past mistakes?" said the husband. "I thought you had forgiven and forgotten." "I have, indeed, forgiven and forgotten," said the wife. "But I want to make sure that you don't forget that I have forgiven and forgotten."

Echo-cardiogram

I went to the cardiologist today for an echo-cardiogram. The doctor prepared the machine and began the process of taking a sonogram of my heart.  "Huh," he said. "That's weird."
I stared at him with an expression of curiosity and growing concern. "What?"  "You said you're a law student, right?" the doctor asked.  "Yes," I replied, confused.  The doctor exclaimed, "Well, there's actually a heart in here! Want me to take a picture for you so you can prove it to people once you're an attorney?"

The Range

Some buffalo were grazing on the range when a tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scrawniest beasts I have ever seen."  One buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know...I think I just heard a discouraging word."

Senior Driving

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.  Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"  "Are you kidding," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Signs

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,

you've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:        

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

On the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Today’s Thought

Don't mess with people who do yoga...you'll be surprised how quickly they get bent out of shape.

Friday's Funnies

Present: Tense

Steve noticed that Dewey was looking depressed, and asked what was wrong. "Well," said Dewey, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home." "What kind of question?" asked Steve. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly." "That's easy," said Steve. "You just say 'Of course I will'." "Yeah," said Dewey, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"

Shocking

My wife had just bought a five-year-old car. The first time I drove it, I told her something seemed to be wrong with the suspension. I parked the car and then proceeded to give it a "shock test." I clasped one hand over the other, squared my shoulders, pushed down with all my weight on the corner and quickly released it to see if it bounced more than once. I repeated this several times. A pedestrian standing behind me observed, "I doubt that even CPR could start that car."

To Protect & Serve

As a fellow policeman and I were eating lunch in a cafe, we heard a woman nearby say loudly, "Jimmy, if you don't eat all your peas, I'll have those policemen come over and talk to you." My friend promptly walked over to the five-year-old who was being scolded. "Jimmy," he said, just as loudly, "I'm six-foot-two and weigh 200 pounds. And I never ate a pea in my life." As we left, the other patrons were laughing, Jimmy's mother was absolutely silent, and a smiling Jimmy was no longer afraid of policemen.

Marriage and Men

·         When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.

·         Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home.

·         Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.

·         Getting married is one mistake every man should make.

·         A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.

·         Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.

·         The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

·         Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects that prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!

The Value of a Brief Sermon

The best illustration of the value of brevity in preaching was given by Mark Twain. He said that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars. After ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars. After a half-hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars. At the end of an hour of oratory, when the plate was passed he stole two dollars.

The Name Game

A little boy was asked whether he was excited about the new baby his mother was expecting. "Yes!" the four-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too — I heard Mommy and Daddy talking. If it's a girl we're going to call it Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

Feeling Youthful

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

How To Eat Like A Child

Peas: Mash into thin sheet on a plate. Press back of fork into peas, hold fork vertically, prongs up, and lick off peas.

Mashed Potatoes: Pat mashed potatoes flat on top. Dig several little depressions. Think of them as ponds or pools. Fill pools with gravy. With fork, sculpt rivers between them. Decorate with peas. Do not eat. Alternate method: Make a large hole in center of mashed potatoes. Pour in ketchup. Stir until potatoes turn pink. Eat as you would peas.

Sandwich: Leave the crusts. If your mother says you have to eat them because that's the best part, stuff them into your pocket or between the cushions of the couch.

Spaghetti: Wind too many strands on fork and make sure at least two strands dangle down. Open mouth wide and stuff in spaghetti; suck noisily to inhale dangling strands. Clean plate, ask for seconds, and eat only half. When carrying plate to kitchen, hold tilted so that remaining spaghetti slides onto the floor.

Ice Cream Cone: Ask for double scoop. Knock the top scoop off while walking out the door of the ice cream parlor. Cry. Lick remaining scoop slowly so that ice cream melts down outside of the cone and over your hand. Stop licking when ice cream is even with top of cone. Eat a hole in bottom of cone and suck the rest of ice cream out of the bottom. When only cone remains with ice cream coating inside, leave cone on car dashboard.

Spinach: Divide into little piles. Rearrange into new piles. After five or six maneuvers, sit back and say you are full.

Chocolate Chip Cookies: Half-sit, half-lie on bed, propped up by pillow. Read a book. Place cookies next to you on sheet so that crumbs get in bed. As you eat the cookies, remove each chocolate chip and place it on your stomach. When all cookies are consumed, eat chips one by one, allowing two per page.

Milkshake: Bite off end of paper covering straw. Blow through straw to shoot paper across the table. Place straw in shake and suck. When shake just reaches your mouth, place a finger over top of straw - the pressure will keep the shake in straw. Lift straw out of shake, put bottom end in mouth, release finger, and swallow. Do this until straw is squashed so you can't suck through it. Ask for another straw. This time shoot paper at the waitress or waiter when they aren't looking. Sip your shake casually until there is about an inch of shake remaining. Then blow through straw until bubbles rise to top of glass. When your father says he's had just about enough, get a stomach ache.

Today’s Thought

Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim. It sounds better when I say, “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”

Friday's Funnies

Work Quotes

"The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work." (Robert Frost)

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" (Edgar Bergen)

"Doing nothing is very hard to do ... you never know when you're finished." (Leslie Nielsen)

"The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job." (Slappy White)

"I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y.'" (Robert Paul)

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up." (Muhammad Ali)

"A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error." (Dennis Miller)

Argument

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.  Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.  "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."  He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"  "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.  "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week? 
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question:When is a retiree's bedtime? 
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
 
Question:Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? 
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question:Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? 
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question:Why do retirees count pennies? 
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? 
Answer: NUTS!

Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? 
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? 
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question:What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

QUESTION: What do you do all week? 
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

New Math

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic; he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once, he kissed her twice, and said, "Now that's addition."
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction."
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication."
Then her dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

AN AIRHEAD'S COOKING DIARY

Monday: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Tom wanted to go out together and get a drink. Since they advertised that drinks were on the house, I took a ladder.  Not sure how this is going to work since Tom made me put it back.

Wednesday: Tom asked for salad for supper, so I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Thursday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Friday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Saturday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Sunday: This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

Friday's Funnies

Fair Compensation

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.  "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."  The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.  "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

Ladies, Read Only The First Part -- Men, The Rest

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."  The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"  The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.  The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock."  The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM -- she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."  The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM -- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."  Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.  Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers, continue reading ...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.  Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

When I win the lottery

Bubba and Bo, two good ole boys, were sitting' on the front porch when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.  "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.  "Do what?" asked Bo.  "Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

Why oh Why???

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Ever Wonder...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Bad golfer

Bad Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Today’s Thought

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.