Friday's Funnies

 Merry Christmas!

 

One-liners

 

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

Why is it cold on Christmas? Because it's in Decembrrrrrrr!

How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico? Fleece Navidad.

Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting? They have too many needles.

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? Nice gnawing you!

What does the gingerbread man put on his bed? Cookie sheets!

What kind of photos do elves take? Elfies!

What do you call a blind reindeer? I have no eye deer.

What happens if you eat Christmas decorations? You get tinsel-itis.

What is a Christmas tree's favorite candy? Orna-mints!

 

Christmas Q&A

 

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.

Q: What do you call a Christmas wreath made with $100 bills? A: Aretha Franklins.

 

Drawing The Nativity

A little girl named Betty was asked to draw a picture of the Nativity along with the rest of her class. The drawings were sent home for the parents to adore and display on their refrigerators.  When Betty's mom glanced at the picture, she became rather confused when she saw an airplane drawn on the page.  She asked her daughter if this was the correct picture, the one of the Nativity.  "Of course Mommy, that's the flight into Egypt!"  "Who is this man?" her mom asked, pointing to one man in the front of the plane.  Betty answered "that's Pontius the Pilot!"  Her mom continued by asking "I see Joseph here, and Mary, but who is the really big guy in the back?"  With a sigh, her daughter said "Mommy, that's Round John Virgin!"

Christmas Short Jokes

 

·         This year instead of gifts, I'm giving everyone my opinion.

·         What cars do elves drive? Toyotas!

·         How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus' weight when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger!

·         How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life!

·         Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them!

·         Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered!

 

Smart Rednecks

 

"Hello, is this the FBI?"  "Yes. What do you want?""I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."  "Thank you very much for the call, sir."  The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.  They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.  They swore at Billy Bob and left.  The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.  "Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"  "Yeah!"  "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep."  "Merry Christmas Buddy!"

Cats' Favorite Christmas Songs

1. Up on the Mousetop
2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
3. Joy to the Curled
4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
5. The First Meow
6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
7. Silent Mice
8. Fluffy, the Snowman
9. Jingle Balls
10. Wreck the Halls

Weird

 

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

 

More Christmas Q & A

 

Alice: What do you get if you cross an iPad with a Christmas tree?

Johnny: I don't know. What?

Alice: A pineapple!

 

Phil: Where do snowmen keep their money?

Bill: Beats me.

Phil: In a snow bank.

 

Darth Vader: I know what you're getting for Christmas.

Luke: How do you know?

Darth Vader: I can feel your presents.

 

Josh: What does Jack Frost like best about school?

John: What?

Josh: Snow and tell.

 

Phil: What has a jolly laugh, brings you presents and scratches up your furniture?

Harold: Beats me. What?

Phil: Santa Claws.

 

Amanda: What's the difference between Santa's reindeer and a knight?

Robert: What?

Amanda: One slays the dragon, and the other's draggin' the sleigh.

 

Today’s Thought

 

What to my wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on my hips, thighs, and rear.

Friday's Funnies

 

Christmas Q&A

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it soots him.

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Snowman Seen

A snowman was seen at the carrot bin in the produce section of the local grocery. He was picking his nose.

Christmas Challenges

One door closes, another opens. One door closes, another opens. One door closes, another opens. -- Me, eating through a chocolate Advent Calendar.

Grandma's Strategy 

One Christmas, a mother decided she was no longer going to remind her kids to send thank you notes. Consequently, the kids' grandmother never received any thanks for the Christmas checks she sent to the kids. The very next Christmas, all the kids stopped by in person to thank their grandmother for their checks. When asked by a friend what caused this change in behavior, the grandmother replied, "Simple, this year I didn't sign the checks."

Find Your Christmas IQ Test

Each answer is a title from a famous Christmas song:

1. A dude made of Frozen Water named for Wendy's dessert drink (10 points)

2. Why Rudolph can't get insurance (10 points)

3. Globalizing dishwashing detergent (10 points)

4. He who doesn't talk at the Round Table (10 points)

5. Southern ladies in AARP (10 points)

Bonus: The song of septuplets (25 points)

=======================================

ANSWERS:

1. A dude made of Frozen Water named for Wendy's dessert drink: "Frosty the Snowman" (10 points)

2. Why Rudolph can't get insurance: "Grandma Got Runover By a Reindeer" (10 points)

3. Globalizing dishwashing detergent: "Joy to the World!" (10 points)

4. He who doesn't talk at the Round Table: "Silent Night (Knight!)" (10 points)

5. Southern ladies in AARP: "Silver Bells (Belles!)" (10 points)

BONUS: The song of septuplets: "What Child is this?" (25 points)

=======================================

TOTAL SCORE

75 points = Some would say you're a Christmas genius. Others would say you really need to get a life.

50 – 65 points = You probably cheated...but hey, way to go. You must really like "The Far Side"

30 – 40 points = Good job. Your Christmas I.Q. is way above average.

10 – 20 points = You're normal. Be grateful.

0 points = Thanks for playing. Try again next year...

Christmas Wish 

When a father asked his little boy what he wanted for Christmas, the boy replied, "A baby sister." As it turned out, the wife was pregnant, and delivered on Christmas Eve. On Christmas day she brought home a brand new baby sister for their son. The next year, when the father asked his little boy what he wanted for Christmas, the boy said, "If it wouldn't make mommy too uncomfortable, I'd like a pony."

Cats’ Favorite Christmas Songs

1. Up on the Mousetop

2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas

3. Joy to the Curled

4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus

5. The First Meow

6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful

7. Silent Mice

8. Fluffy, the Snowman

9. Jingle Balls

10. Wreck the Halls

Today’s Thought

Dear Santa, I can explain.

Friday's Funnies

 Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Plays

10. Away away away in a socially-distanced manger.

9. When the stable animals talked at midnight and it got, like, all political.

8. The shepherds forget to re-tweet the Angel's announcement.

7. It's a wonderful Zoom.

6. The Magi's Tik Tok mocking of Herod.

5. Hark the cardboard angels sing.

4. Live chat with Fred, the 'no filter' shepherd. 

3. The story of Willie, the emotional-support sheep.

2. Christmas unwrapped: Kids just play with the box for an hour.

1. Gold, Frankincense, and Dr. Fauci.

Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on her phone. "Where are you?” the wife said. "You know we have lots to do."  He replied, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I couldn't afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you?"  Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. “Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied.  "Well, I'm in the video game store next to that."

10^th Reindeer

"Why don't we ever hear about 'Olive,' the 10th reindeer?" asked Bert.  "What 10th reindeer?" asked Scott.  "You know. Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names." 

Diamond Ring

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.  After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."  "She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

 The Judge's Tie 

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC for analysis. Weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

The Christmas Play

A little boy, excited about his part in the Christmas play at school, came home and shouted, "I got a part in the Christmas play! I got a part in the Christmas play!" "What part did you get?" asked his mother excitedly. "I'm one of the three wise guys!"

Christmas Carols as Interpreted by Kids

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Holiday/Christmas Carols; here are some of the humorous lines she received:

·         Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

·         De three kings of porridge and tar

·         On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

·         Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

·         He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.

·         Noel, Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

·         With the jelly toast proclaim

·         Sleep in heavenly peas

·         In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

·         You'll go down in listerine

·         Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

·         O come, froggy faithful

Christmas Q&A

What's red and white and falls down the chimney?

Santa Klutz!

Why is it so cold at Christmas?
It's in Decembrrrrr.

What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Today’s Thought

Dear Santa, before I try to explain myself, how much do you already know?

Friday's Funnies

 

Pumpkin Pie

 

Our neighbors gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away.  Ever gracious and tactful, my wife sent the neighbors a note. It read: "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."

 

Love

 

The man's wife had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet he stayed by her bedside every single day.  One day, when she came to, she motioned him to come closer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. After my car accident, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"  "What dear?" he asked gently smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.  "I think you're bad luck."

 

Golden Years

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."  After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through.  This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.  At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!!! You could have killed us."  Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"

 

Expectant Fathers

 

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."  "What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"  The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."  "Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."  When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.  "Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"  At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong. He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"

 

Country Computer Technology

 

1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter.
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood.
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove.
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck.
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood.
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter.
8. Prompt - What the mail ain't in the winter.
9. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside.
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season.
11. Byte - What the black flies do.
12. Bit - What the black flies did.
13. Megabyte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season.
14. Chip - Munchies for TV.
15. Microchip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips.
18. Laptop - Where your drink spills when you pass out.
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds.
20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery.
21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box.
22. Mainframe - What holds the house up, hopefully.
23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes.
24. Web - What a spider makes.
25. Website - High corners of the ceiling and walls.
26. Cursor - Someone who swears.
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies.
28. Screen Saver - A repair kit for the torn window screen.
29. Home Page - A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the woods.
30. Upgrade - Steep hill.
31. Server - A waitress.
32. Mail Server - A male waitress (very few in these parts).
35. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff.
36. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry Patch.
37. Network - Mending holes in the fishing net.
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair method.
40. Online - A good sign that there'll be clean clothes next week.
41. Offline - The clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground.

Child's Play

 

A young mother was preparing breakfast for her two young sons--a five year-old and a three year-old. They were arguing over who would get the first pancake. The mother, trying to instill good morals in her sons, asked them to remember WWJD. She said that Jesus would say: "Let my brother have the first pancake."  The 5 yr-old quickly turned to the 3 yr-old and said, "You play Jesus."

 

Little Boy in Wedding

 

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he walked forward, he would repeatedly take two steps, cup his hands around his mouth and yells "ROAR!" He took turns facing the bride's side and the groom's side. Two steps, then "ROAR!"  As you can imagine, the crowd was laughing so hard, they were near tears. As he took his place at the front of the church, the groom leaned over and asked, "What are you doing?"  The little boy sniffed and seriously replied, "Why are they laughing at me? I'm the RING BEAR!"

Today’s Thought

 

The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.