Friday's Funnies

Sprechen Sie Was?

"I just returned from Germany and had the most wonderful time," bubbled Ginger to her friends. "I thought, before you left, you said you were having trouble with your German," Melody said. "No, not at all. It was the Germans who had trouble with it."

Travel Papers

"What kinds of papers do I need to travel to Europe?" a youth asked a travel agent. "Basically, a passport and a visa." "I have the passport, no problem. Do you think they'll accept MasterCard?"

Bedtime Issues

"What's the most difficult age to get a child to sleep regularly?" a new mother asked an older veteran of child rearing. Her response was quick: "About seventeen years."

Time Weighs Heavy

A man was lugging a grandfather clock from an antique shop to his car, three blocks away. Swaggering under the load with each step, unable to see directly in front of him, he accidentally bumped an elderly couple heading in his direction on the sidewalk. "I'm so sorry," he apologized, turning awkwardly toward them. The couple glared at him angrily. The woman snapped, "Why don't you wear a wristwatch, like everyone else?"

Roses

The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order. When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses -- one for each year of her life. The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife." The young man bought a dozen roses.

Teacher's golf lesson

The school teacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?' she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct,' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

How Canada got its name

The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was "Cold North Dominion," but that was too long, so they abbreviated it to C.N.D. The King's Royal Governor presented the new name to the inhabitants, but they didn't say a word. "Well, what do you think?" asked the Royal Governor? "C, eh?" said the first fellow, and just looked at the Governor. "N, eh?" says the second guy. "D, eh?" says a third one. Then silence. "Hey," says the Governor. "I like that. It's a lot easier to pronounce when you spell it that way." And that's how Canada got its name.

You're Canadian if...

•You know how to pronounce and spell Saskatchewan without blinking
•You put on shorts as soon as it hits plus 10, even if there is still snow around
•You know what a tuque (toque?) is
•You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
•You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day
•You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color
•You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers
•Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway
•You drive on a highway, not a freeway
•You know what a Robertson screwdriver is
•You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
•You drink pop, not soda
•You love your fries with poutine
•You go to the washroom, not the restroom or bathroom
•Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
•You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize
•You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
•"Eh" is a very important part of your vocabulary and you understand all the 1,000 different meanings of "eh", eh?

Literally Speaking

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" "University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.

Chatter Box

This couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about the procedure. "Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during surgery?" Without hesitation her father quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."

New Technology

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?" "When she cries!" she told them. "When she cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until she cries?" "Because, I forgot where I put her."