Arrest
A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped
to his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he
was doing, and arrested when he replied, "Impersonating an office,
sir!"
Why Dogs Are Better than Kids
45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter?
-- NOT!
Dogs cannot lie.
Dogs never resist nap time.
You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.
Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the
potatoes.
Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42...
Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000...
Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.
Your dog isn't embarrassed if you sing in public.
Please Advise
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a
test: “If you are sleeping, send me your
dreams. If you are laughing, send me
your smile. If you are eating, send me a
bite. If you are drinking, send me a
sip. If you are crying, send me your
tears. I love you!” The husband, typically non-romantic, replied:
“I am on the toilet, please advise.”
Lightheaded
A friend told an airhead: "Christmas is on a Friday
this year." The airhead replied, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
A man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did
you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to
do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
An airhead goes to the vet with the pet goldfish. I think
it's got epilepsy," the airhead tells the vet. The vet takes a look and
says, "It seems calm enough to me." The airhead replies, "Wait,
I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
An airhead spies a letter lying on the doormat. It says
on the envelope "DO NOT BEND" - spends the next 2 hours trying to
figure out how to pick it up.
A man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the
doctor. "No", he shouts,
"this is her husband!"
A passerby asks an airhead: "Why do scuba divers
always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell
forward, they'd still be in the boat."
A Poem For Computer Users Over 50
A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
And paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was a flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
Feud
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there
was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old
man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and
come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared
him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he
died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her
safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his
way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The
wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know
he won't ask for directions."
Today’s Thought
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he
wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at the carpeting?
