Friday's Funnies

Eclipse of the Moon

 

Teacher: There will be an eclipse of the moon tonight. Perhaps your parents will let you stay up to watch it.

Pupil: What channel is it on?

 

Lessons Learned During Extended Power Outage

 

* Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.

 

* No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.

 

* He who has the biggest generator wins.

 

* There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people realize.

 

* TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful.

 

* Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.

 

* Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing.

 

* Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the batteries remain charged.

 

* A store that sold only ice, chainsaws, gas, and generators would make serious money.

 

* I can walk a lot farther than I thought.

 

Impossibilities in the World’

 

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

 

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you moron.

 

Yes officer

 

A lady who was speeding was pulled over to the side of the road by an officer.  She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.  After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"  "Oh, yes I do, officer," she replied.  "Well," asked the officer, "do you always loop it through your steering wheel?" 

 

Hearing Aid

While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt. "How does that help your hearing?" I asked. "Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."

Concert Program

When my youngest daughter was three, she begged to be allowed to attend a concert with her older sister and brother. She assured me she was a big girl and would behave herself. As we took our seats in the orchestra hall, I handed programs to the kids. Following the lead of her older siblings, my three-year-old opened her program, and in her most grown-up voice said, "Mommy, I'll have the chicken, please..."

Leaving Home

While putting my 4-year-old daughter to bed one evening, I read her the story of the Prodigal Son. We discussed how the young son had taken his inheritance and left home, living it up until he had nothing left. Finally, when he couldn't even eat as well as pigs, he went home to his father, who welcomed him. When we finished the story, I asked my daughter what she had learned. After thinking a moment, she quipped, "Never leave home without your credit card!"

Sooner Than Later

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is because this prescription is marked 'No Refills'!"

Going Out With A Bang

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this faithfully and he lived to the ripe old age of 93. When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

Ten Things I Know About You

 

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face, and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person and everyone does it, too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Friday's Funnies

CUSTOMER APPROVAL

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Dewey mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items... with a "thank you" note from the manufacturer. "Well, what do you think?" asked his smiling wife, Olga. "I think that next time," Dewey replied, "I'm writing to Toyota."

THE RAISE

Our boss told us that she is planning a salary raise. One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?" The boss answered, "As soon as you do."

BEST FRIEND

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"  "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.  But, there is a Higher Power.  Can anybody tell me what it is?"  One child blurted out, "Aces!"

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.  "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."  "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.  "Yes, sir." the boy replied.  "And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.   "No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime"

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.  "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."  "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified.   She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"  Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"

ENGLISH LESSON

1. Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?

2. Do you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?

3. And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense, "ate"?

PUNNY RIDDLES

What do you get if you cross an oyster with an owl?
Pearls of wisdom.

What do you call a person who just downloaded 1,000 puns from the Internet?
Well e-quipped.

How do you get a baby astronaut to go to sleep?
Rocket.

What do you get if you cross a rabbit with a sprinkler?
Hare Spray.

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
After a month they were fighting tooth and nail.

TODAY’S THOUGHT

We child proofed our home - but they're still getting in.

Friday's Funnies

Things learned from TV:

 

~ All crimes are solved in 1 hour.

~ The good guy always wins.

~ When you're trapped, you always find a way out.

~ A trip from Los Angeles to China takes 5 seconds.

~ All women still have makeup on when they wake up in the morning.

~ When you're a hero, you will never get burnt in a fire.

 

Shoe Cover-Up

 

One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.  Later that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.  That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.  "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

 

If Websites Had Warning Labels

• Google:  "Warning! You may actually find more than what you're looking for."
• Blogs:  "May cause drowsiness."
• Microsoft:  "Warning! Bill Gates isn't ever going to share his money with you."
• MySpace:  "Age, gender and attractiveness of members may differ from what is actually posted."
• Apple Computers:  "Warning! High Smug Advisory."
• Wikipedia:  "Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?"
• YouTube:  "Warning! Contents may be stupid."

Coffee Options

Man:  "Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."
Waiter:  "I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

Say It With Flowers

 

A guy goes into a florist shop that has a sign: "Say It With Flowers."  He says, "One rose, please."  "Just one?" asks the florist.   "Yes.  I'm a man of few words."

 

How Long?

 

After the pastor finished his sermon, he stayed at the doors and shook the people's hands as they went by, making sure to give a smile and a kind word to each one.  By the time he finished, most of the people milling around in the church lobby had left except for a few. The pastor noticed in particular one elderly woman who was sitting on one of the hallway plush benches, nearly in tears, rocking back and forth. Concerned, the pastor walked over to her and heard her emit the words, "How long, Lord? How long?"  Touched, he laid a hand on the white head. "Ma'am, God has heard you. I am sure that he will come through for you," he said soothingly. She looked up at him with a small smile and thanked him.  Feeling that he had done a very good deed, he turned and was about to walk out the doors when one of the bathroom doors opened and someone came out.  The pastor definitely had a feeling of chagrin when the old woman yelled, "Praise the Lord!" and ran inside.

 

Texting for Seniors

 

Since more seniors are texting and tweeting, here are some STC (Senior Texting Codes). If you qualify for the senior discount, this is for you.  Please pass this along to your children and grandchildren so they can understand you.

 

ATD: At The Doctor's

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can't Get Up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

FWB: Friend With Betablockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGLKI: Gotta Go! (Laxative Kicking In)

GGPBL: Gotta Go! (Pacemaker Battery Low)

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

ROFL & CGU: Rolling On the Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

 

No Money at College

A young man away from home and at college was feeling low. He had no money at the present time, so he decided at ask dad for some help. He sent a simple three line six word letter to dad. It said,

"No mon.  No fun.  Your son."

A week later he had a response from dad another three line six word letter. It said,

"Too bad.  So sad.  Your dad."

 

Today’s Thought

 

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.