Friday's Funnies

 Marriage Seminar

 While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Bob and his wife Alice listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men: "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Bob leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" The rest of the story is not pleasant.

Thoughts to Ponder.......

-          Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

-          If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

-          Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

-          If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

-          Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

-          If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

-          Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

-          What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

-          Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

-          If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

-          Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Paper or Plastic Groaner

At the checkout counter, the bag boy asks, "Paper or plastic?"

Customer: "I don't care, you pick one."

Bag boy: "I can't."

Customer: "Why not?"

Bag boy: " 'Cause, baggers can't be choosers!"

How Children Perceive Their Grandparents

1. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

 

2. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."  WOW!  It says I'm only '38'!

 

3. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.  "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

 

4. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

 

5. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

 

Aging

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 Bypass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

Peer Review

Doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new hospital wing at the hospital. What was their reaction?

• The allergists voted to scratch it.
• The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
• The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
• The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
• The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
• The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
• The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
• The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
• The pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
• The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
• The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
• The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
• The radiologists could see right through it.
• The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
• The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
• The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
• The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
• The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

Today’s Thought

If money talks, why won't it have a conversation with me??

Friday's Funnies

 Signs Your Wife Drove Your Car Last

-          You were buried beneath an avalanche of empty Starbucks cups when you opened the door.

-          The driver's seat is positioned so a tiny gnome can fit comfortably.

-          There are hairbands everywhere. Like, everywhere.

-          Taylor Swift is still playing on the radio - Obviously, you would never...

-          There's a new 'Baby on Board' sticker.

-          Not exaggerating, there are hairbands EVERYWHERE. The cupholder, the floor, the side door compartment - How can one woman possibly need so many headbands? What does she even do with them all? I mean, is she expecting a hairband shortage? Does she have hairband insecurity? Does she just love hairbands that much? Does she have a problem? Is it a cry for help of some kind?

 

Waking Up for Church

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you should go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

God and Adam

God and Adam were hanging out in the garden of Eden and God noticed that Adam was a little lonely. God finally came to Adam and said, "Adam, you have everything that you could need right here in the garden and out of the animals that I have created for you to fellowship with, but it has come to my attention that you still seem lonely. I want you to be perfectly happy with my provisions for you. So here is what I will do. I will create a perfect creature for you. You will love this creature and be totally enraptured with her, and desire nothing as much as you will desire her except for me. You will live forever in happiness and joy here in the garden and your relations will always be enjoyable to each other. The only thing, is that it will cost you an arm and a leg." Adam thinks for a while and finally says, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

Fun Test

Count the "F's" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Scroll to the end only after you have counted them.

Baptist Dog

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Oh My! He's Pentecostal!"

 

Word Problems

How I see math word problems: "If you have 4 pencils and 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof?" The answer is "purple, because aliens don't wear hats."

 

How Children perceive their grandparents

1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

 

2.  My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 68.  My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

 

3. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."  The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

 

4. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

 

5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

Dad Joke

90% of bald people still own a comb. They just can’t part with it.

 

Today’s Thought

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

 

Fun Test Answer

How many? 3? Wrong, there are 6! No joke. Read it again. The "F" in "OF" doesn't have the "F" sound. Incredible or what? Go back and look again!

Friday's Funnies

 First Week of School

 

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

Frozen Windows

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts husband: "Computer really screwed up now."

Warranty

A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car. "I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car," he said. "That's right, sir," the salesman answered. "During the warranty period we will replace anything that breaks." "Fine, I need a new garage door."

Rednecks vs. Blondes

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole, said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We asked for the height, and she gives us the length!"

 

Office Intern

Several years ago, there was an office intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use the copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

 

Advertising Terms Explained

NEW - Different color from previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!

Men’s or Women’s

A five-year-old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch. The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?"

Memory Issues

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies. She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!" She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down.” Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

Dog Breeding Made Absurd

~ Pointer + Setter = Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
~ Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
~ Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
~ Pekinese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
~ Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
~ Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
~ Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
~ Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
~ Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly
~ Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
~ Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
~ Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Dad Joke

I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

Today’s Thought

I don't like to brag, but...cashiers are always checking me out.

Friday's Funnies

 Pregnancy Q&A

 

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'II feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

 

Lost and Found

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

Engineers and Managers

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer, and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way." "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all, I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way." "Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

Random Thoughts… 

•         I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?  

 

•         Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

 

•         I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 

•         A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

•         America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

 

•         Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

 

•         You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

 

•         If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

 

•         I can't understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

 

•         The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

 

•         The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

 

•         Money can't buy happiness, but it sure keeps the kids in touch!

 

•         The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

 

Middle Name

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble.

 

Work

 

-        If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves. - Lane Kirkland

-          I will always choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. - Bill Gates

-          I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. - Jerome K. Jerome

-          Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. - J.M. Barrie

-          The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. - Robert Frost

-          Doing nothing is very hard to do ... you never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen

Today’s Thought

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes laughing stock. That's humerus.

Friday's Funnies

 Adulting

How’s adulting going, you ask? I turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for about 20 minutes.

 

Cough

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"  The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner screams, "You idiot!  You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough."

Choking

 

I choked on a carrot today and all I could think of was, ‘I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this.’

 

Biggest Lie

 

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So, we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute.  Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

 

Washing Machine

 

Grandma and Grandpa purchased a new front-loading washer and dryer. The grandchildren were impressed with all the "bells and whistles." Grandma was looking for them one day. They had taken their little chairs into the laundry room and were watching the clothes in the washer and dryer. When asked what they were doing they said, "We're watching the laundry channel."

Advice From An Old Farmer

 

~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
~ Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
~ A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
~ Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
~ Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
~ It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
~ You can't unsay a cruel word.
~ Every path has a few puddles.
~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.
~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

The Repair Shop

 

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

 

Teacher Arrested At The Airport

 

A schoolteacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule," as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator.  At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.  He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.  "Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values”. "They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we've determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”  "As the Greek philosopher Isosceles once said, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle... ’ "

 

The veterans

 

Shooting the breeze down at the veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today, he'd be the most famous man in the world." "What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. “Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

 

Dad Joke

 

Did you know ants never get sick? It's because they have anty bodies.

 

Today’s Thought

I don’t know how to use TikTok, but I can write in cursive, do long division, and can tell time on clocks with hands…so there’s that.