Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
3. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
4. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Following Directions
While I was making a huge batch of snickerdoodle cookies, I asked my ten-year-old to read the recipe and ingredients off the box to me, doubling them as he went along. He did as he was told. His first instruction: "Preheat the oven to 700 degrees."
Doctor Punster
A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Wilson's behavior. Off and on throughout her shift, Dr. Wilson would run up and down the hallway, yelling, "Tetanus, measles, flu... " Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, "Why does Dr. Wilson keep doing that?" "Oh, just ignore him," the head nurse said. "He thinks he calls all the shots around here."
It Worked
Sergeant: Private!
Private: Yes, sir.
Sergeant: You failed to show up for camouflage class yesterday.
Private: How do you know that, sir?
New Airline Fees
With airlines adding fees to fees, we thought we'd warn you of the next surcharges they'll levy for something previously free:
1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card.
2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.
3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10; $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.
4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.
Safety at work
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?" The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"
9-1-1 Calls
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn ... I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No, I'm a Methodist.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Punctuation
An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is powerful. Nothing like a good editor to make sense of things!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Supposedly real student answers to test questions:
• Q: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
A: Learning to speak Latin.
• Q: Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic.
A: Two polar bears and four seals.
• Q: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom.
• Q: What is the meaning of the word "varicose?"
A: Close by.
• Q: What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?
A: Mariah Carey.
• Q: Give a reason why people would want to live near power lines.
A: You get your electricity faster.
• Q: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
A: Unusual names.
The Morticians
Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid. It was considered appropriate to place it in an area out of sight. Mel had his share stored promptly but there was still a good portion left for Mal to take care of. When asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, "The rest is for Mal to hide."
Oops
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18": "For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
System Failure
A pastor preached long past his usual time and at the end of the sermon, a weary parishioner asked him what happened. "Well," he replied, "I usually put a cough drop in my mouth when I begin, and when it's finished, I know it's time to end my sermon. This morning I accidentally put in one of my son's marbles by mistake."
Prayer
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!
Finance Textbook
I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the textbook and was shocked to find out it would cost me $125. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester. "You'll get $50," said the clerk. "This is insane," I protested as I handed him my credit card. "I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a finance book for $125 then sells it back for $50 should fail the course."
Picnic basket
A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's head. Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance. Soon the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips. He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?" She replied, "No...puppies."
EURO ENGLISH
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
• Q: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
A: Learning to speak Latin.
• Q: Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic.
A: Two polar bears and four seals.
• Q: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom.
• Q: What is the meaning of the word "varicose?"
A: Close by.
• Q: What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?
A: Mariah Carey.
• Q: Give a reason why people would want to live near power lines.
A: You get your electricity faster.
• Q: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
A: Unusual names.
The Morticians
Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid. It was considered appropriate to place it in an area out of sight. Mel had his share stored promptly but there was still a good portion left for Mal to take care of. When asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, "The rest is for Mal to hide."
Oops
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18": "For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
System Failure
A pastor preached long past his usual time and at the end of the sermon, a weary parishioner asked him what happened. "Well," he replied, "I usually put a cough drop in my mouth when I begin, and when it's finished, I know it's time to end my sermon. This morning I accidentally put in one of my son's marbles by mistake."
Prayer
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!
Finance Textbook
I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the textbook and was shocked to find out it would cost me $125. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester. "You'll get $50," said the clerk. "This is insane," I protested as I handed him my credit card. "I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a finance book for $125 then sells it back for $50 should fail the course."
Picnic basket
A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's head. Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance. Soon the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips. He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?" She replied, "No...puppies."
EURO ENGLISH
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Man's Best Friend
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning that was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning." After the service a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said, "Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!"
Scripture to Live By
My pastor-husband Scott has a sweet tooth, so I knew the chocolate chip cookies I'd just baked might disappear before I returned from running errands. To discourage him, I taped a verse on the wrapped goodies: "Everything is permissible for me — but not everything is beneficial." - 1 Cor. 6:12. When I returned I found half the cookies gone and another verse attached: "The righteous eat to their heart's content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry" - Prov. 13:25.
Beleaguered Mom
A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can." "To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each."
Another Business Merger
Maxwell House, the coffee company, just bought a parachute company, and they intend to use their same long-time slogan: "Good to the last drop."
Kitchen Experience
The banana loaf I was making was in the oven when my 16-year-old came into the kitchen where the family had gathered. "That bread smells about done don't you think, Mom?" he asked. I told him I had set the timer and it was fine. A little later he repeated his suggestion. "Mom, I really think that loaf is done. Maybe you should check it." Always quick to come to my defense, my 13-year-old son said, "Eddie, Mom's been burning that banana bread for 20 years now. I think she knows when to take it out."
You Might be a Redneck Gardener If…
You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
A half moon reminds you of your fat husband pulling weeds.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it is yellow.
Kudzu covers your arbor.
You don't water your front yard rather than mow it.
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
You've ever cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You've been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower.
You move your weed-eater to take a bath.
Dog park
At the dog park, an elderly lady had two rather large rottweiler dogs. Upon being asked the dogs' names by another park visitor, she replied "One is called Timex and the other Rolex." "Wow, them's some strange names for dogs," the visitor replied. "Oh no", the elderly lady dog owner replied "They're watch dogs."
The 2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'YES!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said. 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
Another blonde joke
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house... A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'”
Non-aerobic exercise
Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge. Here are the things I have become good at:
• Beating around the bush
• Jumping to conclusions
• Climbing the walls
• Swallowing my pride
• Passing the buck
• Throwing my weight around
• Dragging my heels
• Pushing my luck
• Making Mountains out of molehills
• Hitting the nail on the head
• Wading through paperwork
• Bending over backwards
• Jumping on the bandwagon
• Balancing the books
• Running around in circles
• Eating crow
• Tooting my own horn
• Climbing the ladder of success
• Pulling out the stops
• Adding fuel to the fire
• Opening a can of worms
• Putting my foot in my mouth
• Starting the ball rolling
• Going over the edge
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning that was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning." After the service a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said, "Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!"
Scripture to Live By
My pastor-husband Scott has a sweet tooth, so I knew the chocolate chip cookies I'd just baked might disappear before I returned from running errands. To discourage him, I taped a verse on the wrapped goodies: "Everything is permissible for me — but not everything is beneficial." - 1 Cor. 6:12. When I returned I found half the cookies gone and another verse attached: "The righteous eat to their heart's content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry" - Prov. 13:25.
Beleaguered Mom
A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can." "To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each."
Another Business Merger
Maxwell House, the coffee company, just bought a parachute company, and they intend to use their same long-time slogan: "Good to the last drop."
Kitchen Experience
The banana loaf I was making was in the oven when my 16-year-old came into the kitchen where the family had gathered. "That bread smells about done don't you think, Mom?" he asked. I told him I had set the timer and it was fine. A little later he repeated his suggestion. "Mom, I really think that loaf is done. Maybe you should check it." Always quick to come to my defense, my 13-year-old son said, "Eddie, Mom's been burning that banana bread for 20 years now. I think she knows when to take it out."
You Might be a Redneck Gardener If…
You mow your lawn and find a wheelbarrow.
A half moon reminds you of your fat husband pulling weeds.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it is yellow.
Kudzu covers your arbor.
You don't water your front yard rather than mow it.
You know how many bags of fertilizer your car can hold.
You've ever cleaned your house with a leaf blower.
You empty the trash when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You've been cited for reckless driving on a riding lawn mower.
You move your weed-eater to take a bath.
Dog park
At the dog park, an elderly lady had two rather large rottweiler dogs. Upon being asked the dogs' names by another park visitor, she replied "One is called Timex and the other Rolex." "Wow, them's some strange names for dogs," the visitor replied. "Oh no", the elderly lady dog owner replied "They're watch dogs."
The 2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'YES!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said. 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
Another blonde joke
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house... A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'”
Non-aerobic exercise
Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge. Here are the things I have become good at:
• Beating around the bush
• Jumping to conclusions
• Climbing the walls
• Swallowing my pride
• Passing the buck
• Throwing my weight around
• Dragging my heels
• Pushing my luck
• Making Mountains out of molehills
• Hitting the nail on the head
• Wading through paperwork
• Bending over backwards
• Jumping on the bandwagon
• Balancing the books
• Running around in circles
• Eating crow
• Tooting my own horn
• Climbing the ladder of success
• Pulling out the stops
• Adding fuel to the fire
• Opening a can of worms
• Putting my foot in my mouth
• Starting the ball rolling
• Going over the edge
Friday, May 7, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Building Rome
Marilyn, the teacher, asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" and called on Timothy to answer first. "Rome was built at night." was his answer. "At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, holding her ruler firmly in her boney-knuckled hands. "How ever did you get such an idea?" "Well," gulped the student, hoping his answer would satisfy her, "everyone knows Rome wasn't built in a day. “
The Regimen
"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds. "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up.”
Companies Merging
Times are tough, so many companies are contemplating mergers and acquisitions. Here are a few to keep an eye on:
• Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. (The new company will be called Farewell Honeychild)
• Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. (The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)
• W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co, Mary Kay Cosmetics, and Hale Business Systems. (The new company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)
• 3M and Goodyear. (The new company will be called MMM Good)
• John Deere and Abitibi-price. (The new company will be called Deere Abi)
• Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil. (The new company will be called Honey Im Home)
• Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining. (The new company will be called Mine All Mine)
• Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women. (The new company will be called Knott NOW)
• Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining. (The new company will be Zip Audi Do-Da)
• Motorola and Enron. (The new company will be called Moron)
Pay day
A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
Parent's Glossary of Kids' Kitchen Terms
APPETIZING: Anything advertised on TV.
BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.
CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
CHAIR: Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.
COOKIE (LAST ONE): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.
DESSERTS: The reason for eating a meal.
EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.
FAT: Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.
FLOOR: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.
FORK: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.
FRIED FOODS: Gourmet cooking.
FROZEN: Condition of children's jaws when spinach is served.
FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
GERMS: The only thing kids will share freely.
KITCHEN: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.
LIVER: A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.
LOLLIPOP: A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.
MEASURING CUP: A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.
NAPKIN: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.
NATURAL FOOD: Food eaten with unwashed hands.
NUTRITION: Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty.
PLATE: A breakable Frisbee.
REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
THIRSTY: How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."
New cow dealer
A farmer had been ripped-off several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:
Basic cow $499.95
Shipping and handling $ 35.75
Extra stomach $ 79.25
Two tone exterior $142.10
Produce storage compartment $126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper $189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system $149.20
Automatic fly swatter $ 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery $179.90
Deluxe dual horns $ 59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment $339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly $884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb $ 69.80
FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: $2843.36
Additional dealer adjustments: $300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options): $3143.36
Marilyn, the teacher, asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" and called on Timothy to answer first. "Rome was built at night." was his answer. "At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, holding her ruler firmly in her boney-knuckled hands. "How ever did you get such an idea?" "Well," gulped the student, hoping his answer would satisfy her, "everyone knows Rome wasn't built in a day. “
The Regimen
"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds. "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up.”
Companies Merging
Times are tough, so many companies are contemplating mergers and acquisitions. Here are a few to keep an eye on:
• Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. (The new company will be called Farewell Honeychild)
• Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. (The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)
• W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co, Mary Kay Cosmetics, and Hale Business Systems. (The new company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)
• 3M and Goodyear. (The new company will be called MMM Good)
• John Deere and Abitibi-price. (The new company will be called Deere Abi)
• Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil. (The new company will be called Honey Im Home)
• Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining. (The new company will be called Mine All Mine)
• Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women. (The new company will be called Knott NOW)
• Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining. (The new company will be Zip Audi Do-Da)
• Motorola and Enron. (The new company will be called Moron)
Pay day
A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
Parent's Glossary of Kids' Kitchen Terms
APPETIZING: Anything advertised on TV.
BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.
CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
CHAIR: Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.
COOKIE (LAST ONE): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.
DESSERTS: The reason for eating a meal.
EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.
FAT: Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.
FLOOR: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.
FORK: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.
FRIED FOODS: Gourmet cooking.
FROZEN: Condition of children's jaws when spinach is served.
FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
GERMS: The only thing kids will share freely.
KITCHEN: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.
LIVER: A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.
LOLLIPOP: A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.
MEASURING CUP: A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.
NAPKIN: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.
NATURAL FOOD: Food eaten with unwashed hands.
NUTRITION: Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty.
PLATE: A breakable Frisbee.
REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
THIRSTY: How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."
New cow dealer
A farmer had been ripped-off several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:
Basic cow $499.95
Shipping and handling $ 35.75
Extra stomach $ 79.25
Two tone exterior $142.10
Produce storage compartment $126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper $189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system $149.20
Automatic fly swatter $ 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery $179.90
Deluxe dual horns $ 59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment $339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly $884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb $ 69.80
FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: $2843.36
Additional dealer adjustments: $300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options): $3143.36
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