Friday's Funnies

 Christmas Promise

It was the day after Christmas at a church. The pastor was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures. Immediately, the pastor turned toward the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. The pastor walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?" Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."

 

First Baby Advice

The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of her first baby. "Actually, it's quite simple." he said. "Just keep one end full and the other end dry and clean."

 

Reality Check

Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

 

Fishing Trip

After returning from a fishing trip with her husband, a wife confessed to her neighbor: "I did everything all wrong again today -- I talked too much and too loud. I used the wrong bait. I reeled in too soon and, worst of all, I caught more fish than he did."

 

Plenty Cryptic After All

A minor e-mail virus infestation hits the group that this network technician is responsible for, and after cleaning up the mess he decides it's time for new passwords all around, just to be safe. Most of the group works in the same location, so he just takes a walk around the office, whispering the new password to each user. But one woman is at a remote site. The tech can't reach her by phone, and he's leery of sending her new password in unencrypted e-mail. Finally, he hits on an idea. He begins the e-mail message by explaining the password change. Then he writes: "And your new password is: (the last name of our intern from that hot country) followed by the digits of (the number of points our basketball team scored in our last game)." Very clever, he figures -- it's information only someone in the group would know. Until he gets a reply message from the user: "I tried the password, but it didn't work. Could you set it to something not so long and hard to type? And are those parentheses important?"

 

Illness

I had the toughest time of my life! First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

 

Let Me In Coach

A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits.  "Well," he said, "I take them out in the woods and make them run.  The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs.  The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

Thoughts About Life

·       You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

·       How blessed we are that wrinkles don't hurt.

·       The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere, and to let the air out of their tires.

·       Laughing helps.  It's like jogging on the inside.

·       Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.

·       It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

 

Who Makes The Coffee?

A married couple were arguing who should make the coffee.  The wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee.  "Where's it say that," the husband asked.  The wife opened the Bible and said "Right here it says Hebrews."

Bible Jokes 

·       What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?  Absolutely ruthless.

·       Who was the most knowledgeable man in the Bible?  Abraham.  He knew a Lot.

·       Why didn't Noah ever go fishing?  He only had two worms.

·       Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?  They were using fowl language.

 

Celebrity Restaurant

A new celebrity restaurant chain is opening up nationwide. It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard. They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar"

Silence

At a wedding I attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead. As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"

Dad Joke

My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball. I told her she's way off base.

Today’s Thought

Some people like living in the past.  For one thing, the rent is a lot cheaper.

Friday's Funnies

 Merry Christmas

It's officially the season of letting vague Santa threats do about 80 percent of my parenting.

 

Christmas Blessings

All the grand kids were visiting for Christmas. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren. Two seconds after she stopped speaking, things got crazy, and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls. Grandma sat there; eyes closed with a tight squint on her face. When asked what the matter was, she replied, "I'm just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings."

Counseling

Why did Santa’s helper go to counseling? He had poor elf esteem.

 

Top Ten Signs You’ve Spent Too Much Money On Christmas Presents

 

10. Your letter carrier develops a hernia delivering your MasterCard bill.

 

9. Your new computer has more RAM than Microsoft headquarters.

 

8. The Federal government is offering you a bailout.

 

7. You've taken out a second mortgage to pay for the "Nuclear-powered 3-D Brain Blaster" video game system.

 

6. A guy named "Nick the Kneecap" keeps calling you at 3 a.m.

 

5. You spend all your time away from the office or assembly line asking, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

4. You use cardboard boxes, wrapping paper, and computer manuals to heat your home.

 

3. The Ghost of Christmas Future reveals your family living on the street, but hey, you're the best dressed people there.

 

2. You're receiving money for food and medicine from an overseas charity.

 

1. You've forgotten the true reason for the season.

Santa's Lap

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual: "What would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my email?"

Do You Believe In Santa

Christmas was fast approaching. Mom reminded her 8-year-old that he would soon be visiting with Santa Claus. He seemed unusually resistant to the idea. So she asked, "You do believe in Santa, don't you?" He thought hard, then said, "Yes, but I think this is the last year."

 

Fruitcake Recipe

1. Go to the crafts store.

2. Purchase one or more bags of dried fruit, some plaster of paris, brown paint and a disposable cake pan.

3. Return home.

4. Unwrap the dried fruit, carefully folding the wrapper inside-out and placing it at the bottom of your trash can. Better yet, send it through your personal paper shredder and use it for insulation in the attic.

5. Mix the plaster of paris with water and pour into the disposable cake pan. Place dried fruit on top, gently pushing in so it looks "baked" in the "batter." Let dry.

6. Take your "fruitcake" out of the disposable cake pan.

7. Cover the top, bottom and sides with brown paint, avoiding the fruit.

8. Wrap your "fruitcake" in festive, colored saran wrap and finish with a bow. I like using red wrap because it gives a warm glow to the "fruitcake."

9. Give your "fruitcake" to someone you want to impress. When they lift it, they'll say, "Wow! You must have made a really rich fruitcake!" Don't forget to smile and say, "Oh, its Paris-style fruitcake."

10. Don't worry about someone trying to eat your fruitcake. Nobody actually eats fruitcake ... that's just a rumor. Just so you know, the dried fruit won't go "bad" because it has the same preservatives as Twinkies, which have a shelf-life of about 237 years.

Dad Joke

This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.

"Bill," I said going up to him, "I didn't know you were a collector!" "I'm not," he replied. "Oh," I said, "You're buying a gift, then." "No, not at all," my friend responded. "If you don't mind my asking then Bill," I said, "Why are you standing in this line?" "Oh that," he answered. "I've never been able to resist a barbie queue!"

Today’s Thought

One snowman said to the other, "All our friends are flakes."

Friday's Funnies

 Christmas Gift

To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas, they're due back at the library next Friday.

The Top Seven Things Overheard On The Wise Men’s Journey To Bethlehem

7 - Man, I'm starting to get a rush from this frankincense!
6 - You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like chicken.
5 - You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.
4 - What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow?  Phoenician?
3 - Hey, do you either of you know why "MYRRH" is spelled with a "Y" instead of a "U"?
2 - Okay, whose camel just spit?
1 - All this staring at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy.

Messages Via Telegraph

An old country preacher needed to have a sign made that would tell the people passing on the freeway about The Wonder of Christmas. He lived quite a ways out of town and did not have access to any of the modern conveniences of phone or email, in fact, he only was able to send quick messages via Telegraph from the local General store. Since telegraphs charge by the letter, he tried to make his message succinct so that the sign builder would know exactly what he wanted, but without wasting extra characters. He rushed down to the General Store and sent his message off. This story picks up at the sign-making company and the poor clerk who received the telegraph message. As the message printed out she gasped, and fainted. The message that she read, "Unto us a child is born 6 ft long and 3 ft wide."

Why We Would Love To Be Santa Claus

> You could grow a massive gut and consider it a job requirement.
> Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
> You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
> There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty "Ho! Ho! Ho!" would remind everyone who's boss.
> No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
> No more trips to the vending machine...you'd just snack on milk and cookies all day.
> Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
> Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout.
> You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
> One big black belt - accessorized for life!
> Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
> You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.

Christmas Picture

In class little Johnny drew a picture of his favorite Christmas carol, Silent Night. His Sunday School teacher said, "Very good Johnny. I see the manger with baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the star, and the shepherds, and three wise men. But who is the overweight gentleman over in the corner?"  And little Johnny replied, "That's round John Virgin."

A Great Job

A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!" "That's great," his wife said. "Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."

Morning Sickness

Pregnant with my third child, I was stricken with a bout of morning sickness and lay down on the living-room couch to rest. Just then one of the workmen who was doing repairs in my house walked by and gave me a curious look. "Taking a little break," I explained. "I'm in my first trimester." "Really?" he said. "What's your major?"

Older Couple Dinner

An older couple is having dinner in a restaurant. The wife sees another couple about their age sitting in a booth nearby. She sees the husband sitting close to his wife, with his arm around her. He is whispering things in her ear, and she is smiling and blushing. He's gently rubbing her shoulder and touching her hair. The woman turns to her husband and says, "Look at the couple over there. Look how close that man is to his wife, how he's talking to her. Look at how sweet he is. Why don't you ever do that?" Her husband looks up from his Caesar salad and glances over at the next booth. Then he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, I don't even know that woman."

If Cats Wore T-shirts, Here Is What They Might Say

- Purrfection cannot be improved.

- Menopaws: This is the hottest I've been in years.

- Take my advice. I'm not using it.

- I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

- Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this.

Mr. Magoo

Guess who I ran into on my way to get my glasses fixed yesterday? Everybody

Dad Joke

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house.

Today's Thought

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.

Friday's Funnies

 Christmas Shopping

 

Toy store customer: "That's a terrific train set. I'll buy it."
Clerk: "Great, I'm sure your kids will love it!"
Customer: "Maybe you're right. I'll take two."

Worried Teen

 

One teenager was talking to another, "I'm really worried. Dad slaves away at his job so I'll never want for anything, so I can go to college. And Mom spends every day washing and ironing and cleaning up after me. She takes care of me when I'm sick." The other kid said, "So what are you worried about?" The first teenager said, "I'm afraid they might try to escape."

Wedding Present

 

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. Therefore, he announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me." The whole audience, including the priest, started laughing. For some strange reason, the poor groom didn't.

Repeat Miracle

 

A priest is driving back to Dublin when he gets pulled over for speeding. The Garda approaches the window and sees an empty wine bottle in the passenger’s seat. The priest rolls down the window and a strong smell of wine wafts out. “Have you been drinking, Father?” asks the Garda. “Just water,” replied the priest. “I can smell wine, Father,” said the Garda. The priest looks from the bottle to the heavens. “Good Lord, he’s done it again!”

 

Bee Power

 

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?" "I'm out of gas!" The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man; watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man excl aimed. "What did you put in my gas tank?" The bee answered, "BP."

 

Useful Golf Tips

 

The First Truly Useful Golf Book includes the following chapters:
1. How to properly line up your fourth putt.
2. How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist off the tee.
3. How to get more distance off the shank.
4. Crying & how to handle it.
5. How to rationalize a 6-hour round.
6. How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.
7. Why your wife doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.
8. How to relax when you are hitting 5 off the tee.
9. When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.
10. Re-gripping your ball retriever

Preparing For Christmas

 

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

 

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

 

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

 

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

 

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

 

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

 

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

 

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

 

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all costs. I mean, have SOME standards.

 

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

 

Dad Joke

 

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

 

Today’s Thought

Last night our Wi-Fi stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

Friday's Funnies

 Chores

 

Wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Husband: Can we change the subject?
Wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

 Pain

 

This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts." The doctor says, "OK. Touch your elbow." The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. The doctor, surprised, says "Touch your head." The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like crazy. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc., and tells the guy to come back in two days. Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says "We've found your problem." "Oh yeah? What is it?" "You've broken your finger!"

 

Vincent Van Gogh’s Relatives

- A grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia: U Gogh

- A brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopen Gogh
- A magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
- The aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
- A psychiatrist nephew: E. Gogh
- The brother who bleached his clothes: Hue Gogh
- A very obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
- A sister with a small bladder: Gotta Gogh
- A cousin that moved to Illinois: Chica Gogh
- The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
- A second cousin that drove a stagecoach: Wells Far Gogh
- The bouncy nephew: Po Gogh
- A birdwatching uncle: Flamin Gogh

Tech Support

I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep. He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.

Mystery Theater

 

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close-up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "Follow me." The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. "Thanks so much," says the theatergoer, "This seat is perfect." He then hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick."

 

Dog’s Note To Self

~ The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
~ I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
~ I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
~ I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
~ I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
~ I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
~ I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
~ I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
~ The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
~ I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.
~ I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
~ When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
~ We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on television.
~ The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
~ My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
~ I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
~ I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
~ I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath.
~ The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, doesn't mean it's cleaner.
~ The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

The Haircut

 

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

Today’s Thought

Everyone is fighting a battle you don't know about. Except me. I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

Friday's Funnies

 Happy Halloween

What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?

Squash

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

What do you call a skeleton who won't get up in the mornings?
Lazy bones

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4-year-old daughter when she picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why," she asked. "Because it's been laying outside, and it is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms know this stuff? Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get It!" she beamed. "So, if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

Meaning Of Life

I found the meaning of life. It's on page 937 in the dictionary between the words lie and lifeboat.

'R' Troubles

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.'' In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''

Rearranging Letters

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

Doctor! Doctor!

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Long-winded Speech

A man giving a long-winded speech finally says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home." A voice from the crowd says, "There's a calendar behind you."

The old Golfer

An eighty-year-old man's golf game was hampered by poor eyesight. He could hit the ball well but he couldn't see where it went. So, his doctor teamed him up with a ninety-year-old man who had perfect eyesight and was willing to go along to serve as a spotter. The eighty-year-old man hit the first ball and asked his companion if he saw where it landed. "Yep," said the ninety-year-old. "Where did it go?" the eighty-year-old demanded. The ninety-year-old replied, "I don't remember… "

Fishing Trip

After returning from a fishing trip with her husband, a wife confessed to her neighbor: "I did everything all wrong again today -- I talked too much and too loudly. I used the wrong bait. I reeled in too soon and, worst of all, I caught more fish than he did."

Long Deployment

Just before our first long deployment, two Navy buddies and I were talking about the stress of leaving our families. A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard our conversation and offered the following advice: "You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"

Today’s Though

It wasn't the apple on the tree, but the pair on the ground.

Friday's Funnies

 Locked Out

 

One afternoon I rushed out of the house, forgetting my keys, and found myself locked out. There was nothing I could do but wait for my husband to come home. I went over to a neighbor who was outside raking leaves. "You locked yourself out?" he asked. "Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck. "So what's the problem?" "I took the plants in for the winter."

 

Fastest Land Mammal

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who's been asked what's in their mouth.

 

Magician

 

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year. "He's a magician, Ma'am" said the new boy. "How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "One half brother and two half sisters."

Holy Hole in One

 

There once was a priest who really LOVED to play golf. He awoke one Sunday morning to a beautiful sunny day and thought, "I've just got to play golf today!"  He called over the assistant priest and told him he didn't feel well and asked him to say mass for him. The assistant priest agreed, and the priest snuck out the back door with his golf bag. An angel in heaven, after watching all of this, went to God and said, "He is ditching his duties to go play golf. He should be punished!" God replied that He would keep an eye on the situation. The priest decided to drive a long distance away to ensure he wasn't seen by anyone from his church. He took his first shot and got a hole in one! As the priest danced around celebrating his good fortune, the angel went to God and said, "God, I am surprised at you! That doesn't seem to be a severe punishment to me!" God replied, "Who is he going to tell?"

Summer Camp

 

The first day of summer camp, a counselor was helping his kids stow their stuff. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Tell me Bobby, why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

 

What Would You Do?

 

An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Alec!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?" "Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"

Airport

 

In the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first-class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."

Getting Gas

 

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas (back in the day when there was such a thing) just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Mistakes

If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style.

If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident.

If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture.


If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law.

If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention.

If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion.

If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory.

If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake.

If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE."

Bad News, Worse News

 

A man went in to his doctor for his test results and the doctor said, ‘I have bad news and I have worse news. Which do you want first?’ The man thought, and said, ‘Give me the bad news.’ The doctor told him he had 48 hours to live. The man asked what news could be worse? The doctor replied, ‘We’ve been looking for you since yesterday…’

 

Dad Joke

Inquiring minds want to know: are you pro-biotic or anti-biotic?!

Today’s Thought

Cats can memorize 120 commands, but they don't want to.

Friday's Funnies

 Computer Encouragement

 

My new data-entry assistant could often be heard offering encouragement to her computer. "You can do it, big guy!" she would say. "Good boy! Nice job, fella." After one particularly lengthy pep talk, I asked, "How do you know your computer's male?" "Because you have to tell it what to do."

Spendthrift

 

The minister asked, "Is there anyone in the congregation who wants a prayer said for their shortcomings?" "Yes," said a man in the front pew. "I am a spendthrift. I throw money around like it is growing on trees." "Very well," said the pastor. "We will join in prayer for our brother -- just as soon as the collection plate has been passed."

Hello!

 

One night I woke myself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in my dream. As the next day came and went, I thought the nocturnal outburst was mine alone to remember. But that night, as my wife and I were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."

Medical Terminology

 

Studies have demonstrated that those who do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology have the lowest stress rates.

Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

Barium - What doctors do when patients die

Benign - What you be, after you be eight

Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan - Searching for Kitty

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her

Colic - A sheep dog

Coma - A punctuation mark

Dilate - To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker than someone else

Fibula - A small lie

Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

 

Dean’s List

 

College student: "Hey, Dad -- I've got some great news for you!"

Father: "What, son?"

College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"

Father: "I certainly do."

College student: "Well, you get to keep it!"

 

Senile?

 

You know you're senile when you start quoting yourself. Wait, you're only senile if you don't know you're quoting yourself.

 

Compulsive Worrier

 

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore." "I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since," replied Jack. "That must be expensive," Bob replied. "He charges $5,000 a month," Jack told him. "$5,000!!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob.

"I don't know. That's his problem."

 

Dad Joke

 

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the "no-bell" prize.

 

 

Today’s Thought

 

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Friday's Funnies

 Word Problems

Someone posted that they had just baked some synonym buns. I replied, "You mean just like the ones grammar used to make?" Now I'm blocked.

 

You Must Be A Preacher If…

- You've dreamed you were preaching, only to awaken and discover you were.
- A church picnic is no picnic.
- Instead of getting "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit."
- You're tempted to take an offering at a family reunion.
- You've ever wanted to "lay hands" on a deacon's neck.
- Everybody stops talking when you enter the room.
- You sometimes stretch the truth at a funeral.
- You've suffered an anxiety attack while playing Bible Trivia Pursuit.
- The ideas you bounce off board members really do.
- You get your second wind when you say "And in conclusion..."

 

To Be Six Again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. So, on the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early, and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -- everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie -- the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

 

How Hot Is It?

 

-          The cows are giving evaporated milk.

-          Hot water now comes out of both taps.

-          You discover asphalt has a liquid state.

-          Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

-          You start buying stock in Gatorade.

-          Trees start whistling for dogs.

-          You can say 113 degrees without fainting.

-          Your dream house is any house in Alaska.

-          You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

-          If the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

-          The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

 

Thoughts to Ponder.......

 

-          Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

-          Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds, when they already know you're broke?

-          Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

-          Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

-          Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

-          Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

-          Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

-          If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

-          Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

-          Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

-          Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

-          Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

-          How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

-          Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

-          Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

 

Funeral

 

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell. The nut has gone to heaven."

 

Dad Joke

 

Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it's hardly worth it now.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work.

Friday's Funnies

 Marriage Seminar

 While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Bob and his wife Alice listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men: "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Bob leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" The rest of the story is not pleasant.

Thoughts to Ponder.......

-          Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

-          If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

-          Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

-          If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

-          Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

-          If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

-          Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

-          What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

-          Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

-          If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

-          Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Paper or Plastic Groaner

At the checkout counter, the bag boy asks, "Paper or plastic?"

Customer: "I don't care, you pick one."

Bag boy: "I can't."

Customer: "Why not?"

Bag boy: " 'Cause, baggers can't be choosers!"

How Children Perceive Their Grandparents

1. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

 

2. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."  WOW!  It says I'm only '38'!

 

3. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.  "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

 

4. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

 

5. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

 

Aging

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 Bypass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

Peer Review

Doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new hospital wing at the hospital. What was their reaction?

• The allergists voted to scratch it.
• The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
• The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
• The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
• The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
• The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
• The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
• The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
• The pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
• The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
• The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
• The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
• The radiologists could see right through it.
• The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
• The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
• The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
• The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
• The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

Today’s Thought

If money talks, why won't it have a conversation with me??