Taxes
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor
who had come to review his records. At
one point the auditor exclaimed, "We feel it is a great privilege to be
allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay
taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." "Thank goodness," replied the
taxpayer. "I thought you were going to want cash."
Airport Check-In
While waiting in line at a busy airport check-in counter,
I noticed a set of rambunctious little boys in front of me. As the line inched
along, their mother tried in vain to get them to calm down. Finally, she reached the counter where the
ticket agent asked her, "Have any of the items you plan to take with you
on this flight been out of your immediate control since your arrival at the
airport?" The young mother replied
honestly, "The luggage, no; the children, yes."
QUIZ
1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child
was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's
name?
Answer: Johnny, of course
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet
ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the
highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two
feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.
5. What word in the English language is always spelled
incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is
always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with
a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You
need a camera to take pictures.
8. If you were running a race and you passed the person
in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd.
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg
are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow.
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4
haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined
them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they
all become one big stack.
Groaner: Endangered Species
My wife and I were flipping through TV channels the other
night, and we settled for a while on one of those wildlife programs -- this one
was about the cheetah. A thought
occurred to me. "You know why they're endangered, don't you?" I said. She nodded. "It's that old saying,
'Cheetahs never prosper.'"
AI
A boy asks his dad “what is artificial intelligence?” to
which his dad replies: “it’s when a blonde dyes her hair brunette.”
Grandfathers
Three elderly gents were talking about what their
grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now. "I would like my grandchildren to say,
'He was successful in business,” declared the first man. "Fifty years from now," said the
second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'" Turning to the third gent, he asked, "So
what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?" "Me?" the third one replied.
"I want them to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age.'"
The Recession
The recession has hit everybody hard...
* My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
* CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
* Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
* If the bank returns your check marked
"Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or
them.
* Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and
learned their children's names.
* A picture is now only worth 200 words.
* McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
* The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed
by Somali pirates.
* When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to
share a room.
* A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into
Mexico.
Today’s Thought
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
