Friday's Funnies

After Christmas Thought

A few days after Christmas, my six-year-old son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"  "Well, what do you think?" I asked him.  He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper."  He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"

Several thousand years ago...

Mayan one: "Okay guys I've finished the calendar!"
Mayan two: "But it only goes up to 12/21/2012"
Mayan one: "Ah don't worry about it we'll make a new one before then. I would have continued on on this stone but I ran out of room."
Mayan two: "Fair enough. Hey, imagine if people thought that the world was gonna end because you couldn't find a bigger stone."
Mayan one: "Yeah, but you'd have to be pretty stupid to think that wouldn't you?"

Health one-liners

Everyone thinks I’m a hypochondriac – it makes me sick.

I have metal filling in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen and that’s why I can’t lose weight.

Hypochondria is the one disease I haven’t got.

You think you have it bad. I got addicted to placebos.

Who are the most decent people in a hospital?  Answer: The ultrasound people.

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

Take the health warning about sodium intake with a pinch of salt.

You should consult my doctor, you won’t live to regret it.

I’ve bought a bottle of sleeping tablets, on the label was: WARNING – may cause drowsiness.

50th Wedding Anniversary


On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'" The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

The Difference

During an antiharassment seminar at work, I asked, "What’s the difference between harassment and good-natured teasing?" A co-worker shouted, "A million dollars."

Recently Seen Bumper Stickers

• I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
• No sense being pessimistic; it wouldn't work anyway.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else.
• I doubt, therefore I might be.
• I'm so far behind, I think I'm ahead.

Living will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”.  “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”  His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the soda.

Mother-in-Law Suite

Sally, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase. Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair."

Into the Church

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


"L" Train


One December morning, I headed down the steps to catch my subway, the "L" train. A sign on the platform declared that the line was not running, but there was bus service above-ground. I was rushing back up the stairs when I passed two women descending. "No 'L,'" I gasped as I ran by. "And a Merry Christmas to you too," they called out, continuing down the stairs. 

Friday's Funnies

Shopping

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.  The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where did you go???"  The husband calmly replied, "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"  Wife, with a smile blushing, said, "Yes, I remember that, my love."  "Well, I'm at the Home Depot next to that shop."

Tradition


December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt, others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.


The Gift


Three-year-old Josie was helping wrap a present for her father. While they were wrapping, her mother kept reminding her daughter about keeping the present a secret so it would be a surprise. After the present was wrapped, she proudly put it under the tree. When her father came home he saw the present immediately. He asked the little girl, "What is it?" "I can't tell," she said proudly, with a look towards Mom. "It's a surprise." "Can I shake it and guess what's inside?" asked Dad. "No," she replied, "shirts don't rattle."


The Diplomat


While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your brother Dallas is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?" The usual answer was a quick yes. But after I asked Damon this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."

Thank you

One Christmas, a parent decided that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother did not receive acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.  However, things were different the following year.  "The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.  "How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in their behavior?"  "Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

Swedish Extraction


My 5-year-old daughter was helping set the table one Sunday near Christmas. She stopped for a moment and announced, "Jesus was a Swede." More than a little surprised, I corrected her, "Oh, no, dear, Jesus was born Jewish. I'll read it to you from the Bible after lunch." Pensively, she laid out the silverware. Then her face brightened. "Mommy, I can prove it to you! We sang about it in Sunday school this morning." Triumphantly she sang, "Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his Swede head."


Shopping Early


It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," said the prisoner.

Remember This At Christmas Time

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.  Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa 's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag an overweight man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Gift Exchange

My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.” His response: “Receipts.”

A Dieter's Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.  Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.

When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash, tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.

The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!

That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick, I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear:

On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watchers dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds, now dash away all.

Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress, my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

I spoke not a word but went straight to my work, ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn, I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.

I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry: If temptation's removed, I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night in the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!

Friday's Funnies

TOP TEN THINGS TO SAY ABOUT A CHRISTMAS GIFT YOU DON'T LIKE

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. "I really don't deserve this."

A SIGN OF THE TIMES

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"  The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my e-mail??!!"

SIGNS OF CHRISTMAS

~ Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here." 

~ Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas." 

~ Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club." 

~ At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd." 

~ A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas." 

~ In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything...a calendar to remind him when payments are due." 

Praying loudly

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE! AND AN XBOX 360! AND I PRAY FOR THE NEW IRON MAN COMIC BOOK!"

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."  To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Pregnancy Q &A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?

Q?: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.?

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Mind Over Matter

My mind is like a blotter: Soaks it up; gets it backwards.

Friday's Funnies

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Did you know that according to the song, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa has twelve reindeer?   Sure, in the introduction it goes "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That makes eight reindeer.   Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine.  Then there's Olive. You know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh..." That makes ten.  The eleventh is Howe. You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him..." Eleven reindeer.  Oh, and number 12? That's Andy! "Andy shouted out with glee."   The proof is in the song!

Cheap

Tom went out shopping for a Christmas present for his wife.  "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.   "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.  "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.  Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.  Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."  So the clerk handed him a mirror.

The Painting

A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery. It was Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. The boy said, "Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?" "Well, son," explained the father, "they were poor, and they couldn't afford anything better." Said the boy, "Then how could they afford to have their picture painted by such an expensive artist?"

Exercise one-liners

- Did my morning exercise up 1,2,3, down 1,2,3 – then with my other eyelid.

- Being part of the human race does not count as exercise.

- Hey, I’m still maintaining last year’s New Year’s resolution of one sit-up per day – getting out of bed.

- Been asked to run the London Marathon for charity but I’ve had to decline as I’ve no experience of organizing something that big.

- I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

- The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.

- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

- I have signed up with a personal trainer to get ready for swimsuit season. Need to work on my leering.

- I’ve been carbo-loading for the last 40 years in case I ever need to go on a 10,000 mile run.

- I’m on a strict running program. I started yesterday. I’ve only missed one day so far.

- People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.

- I get a lot of mental exercise by thinking up weird ways to avoid physical exercise.

- I’ve just spent an hour in a stationary car and am working my way up to a stationary bike.

Timothy's Christmas Story

A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.  As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, “I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!”

Marketing terminology

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”

That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.

One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,

“He’s very rich. Marry him.”

That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and get her telephone number.

The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.”

That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.

You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.

You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m very rich. Will you marry me?”

That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl.

She walks up to you and says, “You are very rich.”

That’s Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me.”

She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That’s Customer Feedback!

You’re Next

A young bachelor got tired of old aunts telling him at every wedding, "You're next."  The aunts stopped it after the young man started nudging the old ladies at every funeral, winking and saying, "You're next."

Friday's Funnies

Lessons we can learn from a snowman

- Wearing white is always in style – even after Labor Day.

- Getting outside in the winter is good for your health.

- It’s fun just to hang out in your front yard.

- We’re all made up of mostly water.

- Accessories don’t have to be expensive.

- Don’t get too much sun!

- If you’re a little bottom heavy – hey, that’s okay!

- You know you’ve made it when they write a song about you.

- If you look down and can’t see your feet – you’re probably not very active.

- Sometimes sweating too much can have disastrous results.

Bush

George W. Bush saw Moses at the grocery store and said, "Hey, aren't you Moses?" Moses said nothing just kept on shopping.  A few aisles over W ran into Moses again, and said "Hey, aren't you Moses?"  Again Moses said nothing.  A few aisles over again George saw Moses and said, "I just KNOW you're Moses!"  This time Moses replied, "Hey, the last time I talked to a Bush, I ended up in the wilderness for 40 years!"

20 Adult Truths.......OH, how true!

1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How on earth are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

17. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

19. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

20. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

Advice

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady. He asked a nearby trainer, “What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?”  The trainer looked him up and down and said, “I would try the ATM in the lobby.”

K-9 mail

Two dogs are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back."   He trots across the street, sniffs at a fire hydrant for about a minute, then comes back.  The other dog says, "What was that about?"  The dog first dog says, "Oh, just checking my messages."

Oops

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.   They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in peace." The owner was frustrated and called the florist to complain.   After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how frustrated he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting frustrated, you should imagine this - somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

More Than Meets The Eye

I canceled camouflage training because no one turned up... Oh, wait a minute...

Friday's Funnies

SIGNS YOU OVERDID IT THIS THANKSGIVING

~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the recliner.

~ You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your email.

~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.

~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

~ You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.

~ That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

~ Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

~ You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty.

~ It looks like the left-overs are gonna last until Christmas.

~ Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.

Viewpoints

A Brit, a Frenchman, and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

How You Know It's Time to Buy a New Car

~ Your VIN is 0000000000000001.

~ You can no longer convince your girlfriend that view of the road through that hole in the floorboard will become a popular extra on new cars.

~ Your engine smokes so much the local health department recently tried to recruit you to help with mosquito abatement this summer.

~ When you go to the car wash more paint than dirt comes off.

~ Your tax adviser has suggested you could save money by purchasing your own tow truck.

~ You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

~ Your mechanic keeps asking, "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?"

~ While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.

~ Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning traffic jams.

~ It hasn't been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.

~ Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopie cushion taped to your steering wheel.

~ Your gas gauge measures in minas.

Flight Delay

A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay just before they boarded. A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced: "We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we are having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."

Driving Advice

A long-haul trucker offered this tip for staying awake on the road: "Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window."

Did Noah Fish?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"  "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.

Unanswered Prayer

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

Being Thankful

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

Say a Prayer

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted.  "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

Retirement money

I’m planning to retire and live off my savings. What I’ll do the second day, I have no idea.

Ah, that makes sense...

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Friday's Funnies

Thanksgiving math

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi

12 Reasons to Be Thankful You Burnt the Bird

1. Salmonella won't be a concern.
2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.
6. No one will overeat.
7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.
8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.
10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

Exercise in Preparation for Thanksgiving

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

United States in RECESSION

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Hello?

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.  The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”  He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear … shhh!) I accidentally answered the iron.”  The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”  He says, “Well, then I had to call the doctor!”

My dad is better than...

Three boys were talking together about what their father’s did for a living.

Boy 1 began by saying that his Dad wrote a few words on a piece of paper, sent them away and received £20 for them and they called it a poem.

Boy 2, not to be outdone said that his Dad wrote a few pages of words, sent them away and received £100 and they called it a story.

Boy 3 was full of himself and said that his Dad wrote a couple of sides of words, read them out on Sunday morning, called it a sermon and it took 6 people to go round and collect all the money.

Ice Fishing

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Time Is Relative

A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do. "What you should do is go out and buy a late 70s or early 80s model Dodge pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to the meanest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house out in the sticks somewhere. The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

Age & Wisdom

"People may not be a great deal wiser after my sermon, but they are always a great deal older."

Health & Safety Test

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.   One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"  "Great big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

Out With the New

Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.

Friday's Funnies

Quiz

Can you answer all seven of the following questions with the same word? The answer is at the end of Friday’s Funnies.

1. The word has seven letters

2. Preceded God

3. Greater than God

4. More evil than the devil

5. All poor people have it

6. Wealthy people need it

7. If you eat it, you will die

The Golf Pro

About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at the airport and a fellow in line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?" I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies." There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?" "Yes," I admitted. "Consistently?" he queried admiringly. "Every hole."

Dust to Dust

A little boy asked the parish priest a question.

Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust.”

Parish priest, “That’s right I did say that”.

Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we die we go back to dust.”

Parish Priest: “That’s right, I did say that. I am glad you were listening so very well”.

Little Boy: “Well Father I think you should come to my place and look under my bed because someone is either coming or going”!

Knowing The Score

My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game. "You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?" "Five," answered the nephew. "Okay," my brother said, "let's go."

Comforting words

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.  A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”  He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry. I’m sure it will be all right.’”  “She was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”  “She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”

PARAPROSDOKIANS

Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

1. Never argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

4. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

11. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

12. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

16. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

17. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

18. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

Answer to earlier quiz:

The word “Nothing”

Friday's Funnies

Highest Number

Recently while we were eating lunch after church one Sunday, my youngest son asked me what the highest number I had ever counted up to was. I said I didn't know. Then I asked him how high he has counted. "5,372," came the prompt reply. "Oh," I said. "Why did you stop there?" His matter-of-fact reply: "The sermon was over."

Great Place

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas. After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man. "Say, is this really a healthy place?" "It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed." "That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?" "I was born here."

The Children of Israel

In Sunday School one morning little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time. "Mr. Johnson," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out. According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?" "Er, right." "And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Johnson. "So what's your question, Joey?" "What were all the grown-ups doing?"

HEALTH MESSAGE

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. It's the tortoise life for me!

Rainy Day Hanger

One rainy evening, a couple emerged from a restaurant only to find that they had locked the keys in the car. The husband insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.  The husband then ran to a department store a few blocks away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and they both climbed in.  As they sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, “Now if this ever happens again, I’ll have one.”

Milk and eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."  A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"  He replied, "They had eggs."

RULES OF THE AIR FOR PILOTS

~ Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

~ If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

~ It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

~ A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

~ There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

~ You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

~ Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

~ Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

~ The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

Educational toy

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. “Isn’t it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked the salesclerk.  “It’s designed to teach the child how to live in today’s world, madam,” the shop clerk replied. “Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.”

Friday's Funnies

Inner Peace

I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie and a small box of candy. I feel better already. Pass this along to those who need inner peace.

Church Football

• Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
• Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
• Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
• Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work or apparently do anything but sit.
• Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
• Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
• Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
• Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
• Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".
• Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
• End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
• Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
• Halfback Option - The decision of 50 percent of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
• Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, ” I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty, guilty, guilty’ So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!”

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer.”

Golf

The hacker hit the ball into the rough and landed on an anthill.  He tried three times to hit the ball and each time he missed the ball and hit the anthill.  Ants went flying all over the place.  One ant turned to the other ant and said, "If we are going to survive, we had better get on the ball."

Five Amusing Shop Signs

1.Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.

2.Tailor shop, Greece: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.

3.On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

4.At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.  IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

5.Shipton-under-Wychwood in Oxon, UK has a local plumber whose van announces: ‘The Lone Drainer – he come pronto.’

Time to get back to the gym?

You know it is time to resume running when…
- You try to do a few pushups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.
- Your children look through your wedding album and want to know who mom’s first husband was.
- You get winded just saying the words “10 kilometer run”.
- You come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch your toes each morning, He would have put them somewhere around your knees.
- You analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humor.
- You step on a talking scale and it says, “Come back when you are alone”.

On The Clock

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$250 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what is your third question?"

The Wedding

A wide-eyed little girl, attending her first wedding, did not miss a single detail. Afterward she asked her mother: "Did the lady change her mind? She went up the aisle with one man and came back with a different one!"

Think About It
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Shorts

• Know why a room full of married people looks so empty?  There's not a single person in it.
• Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.
• What do you call a boom-a-rang that doesn't come back?  Answer: A stick!

Dilemma

Q. Who is more satisfied a man with a million dollars or a man with six children?

A. The man with six children.  The man with a million dollars wants more.

Friday's Funnies

Unqualified

Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because of a lack of campaign funds? Anyone who stops spending just because he's out of money doesn't belong in Washington anyway!

Untraveled

• I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
• I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.
• I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.
• I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.

Juror

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The prosecutor asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant? The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?" "English and theater," I responded. "Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped. "No" I shot back. "You better watch your acting." When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.

If I were a millionaire

“Take a pencil and paper,” the teacher said, “and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’”  Everyone but Philip began to write furiously. He just leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. “What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”  “I’m waiting for my secretary,” he replied.

House Keeping

My 17-year-old niece was looking for a job, so her mother scoured the want ads with her. "Here's one. A couple are looking for someone to watch their two kids and do light housekeeping." "Hel-looo!" said my niece, rolling her eyes. "I can't take that job. I don't know anything about lighthouses."

The Difference Between an Optimist and a Pessimist

"What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?" I asked my husband. He thought for a minute before responding, "An optimist is the guy who created the airplane. A pessimist is the guy who created the parachute."

Advertising Lingo

Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?

NEW – Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE – Imported product.

UNMATCHED – Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.

IT’S HERE AT LAST – Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED – Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY – Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC – No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED – Previous flaws fixed – we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY – Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH – We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS – Ours, not yours.

HIGH RELIABILITY – We made it work long enough to ship it.

Tip?

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.   To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.   "Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.   "Yep," he replied proudly, "not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"

4 Funny Attempts at Speaking English

English is tough to learn, as these attempts from classes in English as a second language prove:

"Do you like this food? I made it from scratching."

"I never liked mushrooms, but now they are beginning to grow in me."

"Do you like your coffee cremated?"

"I usually worm up my food before I eat it.

Death

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.  "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.  "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.  The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

Regular

The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at the table next to ours. "Regular?" She asked her customer.  "Yes, thank you." said the man. "Due to a steady diet of fruit."