Friday's Funnies

Obedient

A father of five children came home with a new toy. He summoned his children and asked which of them should be given the present: "Who is the most obedient one here? Who never talks back to Mom and does everything that Mom says to do?"  There were a few seconds of silence, and then all of the children said in one accord: "So you get it, Daddy??!"

Ticket face

When going to get his driver’s license renewed at the local motor-vehicle bureau, a man was not surprised to find that the building was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until he finally got his license.  He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”  “The clerk looked at his picture closely.  “It’s okay,” he reassured the man. “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

Charity

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the dollar.  "There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work anymore?"  "Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

Ways you know if you are addicted to the Internet

• You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
• You turn off your computer and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
• You start introducing yourself as "Jon at gmail dot com"
• Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• You can't call your mother...she doesn't have internet.
• You laugh at people with under five MB upload speeds and you laugh even harder at people who don't know what that means.
• You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
• You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
• Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
• You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.
• You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
• Your best friend is someone you've never met.
• Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer so you can chat.
• You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
• Your dog has its own home page.
• So does your goldfish.

The wedding dress

Groom-to-be to his fiancee: “$6,800 for a dress that’s only going to be worn ONCE? What’s up with THAT?!”

“Who says it’s only going to be worn once?”

“Oh? You’re planning to get married again? Gee, thanks.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“You know you can’t wear white the second time, anyway.”

“No, but I do hope to have a daughter. She’ll wear it on her wedding day. And she’ll have a daughter who will wear it on her wedding day. And her daughter will wear it on her wedding day. It will become a family heirloom.”

“I’ll bet your mother never bought such an extravagant dress.”

“Oh yeah? Well, she did too, smarty!”

“Then why don’t you wear hers?”

“Who wants to get married in THAT old thing?”

Breaking 100

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, a golfer said in frustration to his caddy, “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”  “Try heaven,” said the caddy. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Evolution?

If evolution really works, how come mothers still have only two hands?

Friday's Funnies

Weight loss

"I was talking to my doctor about a weight-loss patch I had seen advertised. Supposedly you stick it on, and the pounds melt away. 'Does it work?' I asked. 'Sure,' he said. 'If you put it over your mouth.'"

The Positive Side of Life

- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

- How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

- Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

- Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

- If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

- We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors….but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

- A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner … as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off … to your advantage.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.

7. Don’t eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you’ve weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack.   Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally.

By The Book

Two explorers were on a jungle safari when suddenly a ferocious lion jumped in front of them. "Keep calm" the first explorer whispered. "Remember what we read in that book on wild animals? If you stand perfectly still and look the lion in the eye, he will turn and run." "Sure," replied his companion. "You've read the book, and I've read the book. But has the lion read the book?"

Motivation

A fellow was walking through a cemetery late at night and fell into an open grave. He didn't know that sometime earlier that night another man had fallen into the same grave. He felt around the walls of the grave and tried to climb out but he couldn't quite make it. Suddenly, behind him in that open grave he heard a voice, "You can't get out of here." But he did.

Mom's Orders

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"

Bug flew into a barn

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

Job experience

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.  Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”  “Well, as a matter of fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

Irreplaceable

My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.  "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

3. Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.

4. You're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving."

5. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

Friday's Funnies

Perspective

Garbage collectors were picking up our trash as my wife walked back into our house. A particular barrel was very heavy. "Lady, we can't take this," one man called out. "It's way over the weight limit." My wife turned her eight-month-pregnant figure toward him. "It didn't seem that heavy when I carried it out," she said. Without another word, the man emptied the barrel into the truck.

Father of the Bride

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him." The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

Top Signs That You May Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough

• The preacher announces the sermon is from Galatians — and you have to check the Table of Contents.
• You think Abraham, Isaac and Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 1960s.
• You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WW2 Savings Bond falls out.
• Your favorite Old Testament patriarch is Hercules.
• Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon you demand to know, "Who gave you this stuff?"
• You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.

Honest Reaction

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence: "I think I'd throw up."

First Day of Psychiatry Class


Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class.  “Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.  “Sadness,” he replied.  “The opposite of depression?” he asked another student.  “Elation,” he replied.  “The opposite of woe?” the professor asked a young woman from Texas.  The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddyup.”


10 Funny Warning Labels Found on Food Packaging


Cautionary notices on packaging is a good source of humour, here are 10 of our best examples:
1. Suitable for outdoor use. Found on a rain gauge.
2. For use by trained personnel only. On a can of air freshener.
3. Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice. On a box of rat poison.
4. Warning: High in sodium. On a salt cellar.
5. Remove the plastic wrapper. The instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn.
6. Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone. On a box of pills.
7. Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.
8. Use like regular soap. On a bar of soap.
9. This product is not to be used in bathrooms. On a bathroom heater.
10. Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants. On a bag of cat biscuits.


Whining

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.  Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"   Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"  Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."  Bill: "What are you whining about then? That's what you got!"

PARAPROSDOKIANS... are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. 

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations.  Trains stop in train stations.  On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
20. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
22. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
25. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
26. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.  

Details

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Friday's Funnies

What Is a Grandparent?

Answered by primary school children

- Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other peoples.

- Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

- When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

- They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on “cracks.”

- They don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’

- They wear glasses and funny underwear.

- They can take their teeth and gums out.

- They have to answer questions like ‘Why isn’t God married?’ and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’

- When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.

- Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

- They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.

Baby sister

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they’d have to move.  “It’s no use,” Robbie said. “She’s crawling good now and she’d probably just follow us.”

I can, I can!

Little Dewey was at football practice one day and the coach said "Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts" Immediately little Dewey said, "Ooh me sir, me!"  The coach then said, "But Dewey you're the worst player on the team!"  Then Dewey said, "I know, but goalposts can’t jump!"

Grins and Snickers

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.   "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said.  "We may not have 45 minutes."  They were seated immediately. 

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.  They reached the altar and the waiting groom.  The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.   The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.  Even the priest smiled broadly.   As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. 

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"  Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."   Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."   Fred said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.   Looking up, he asks the Lord.  "God, what does a million years mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A minute."  Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A penny."  Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"  The Lord replies, "In a minute."

A man goes to see the  Rabbi.   "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."   The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"   The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."   The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"   The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"   The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what.  Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."   A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours..  You want my advice?   The man said, "Yes;" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

CHILDREN ARE QUICK

TEACHER: Why are you late?  STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.  MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America?   CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:  You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'  GLENN:  K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER:  No, that's wrong.   GLENN:  Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. 

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?  DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?  DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. 

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?  

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'   MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'   MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' 

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog. 

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher